Mellow 73 July 31, 2012 Share July 31, 2012 (edited) so some of you may have heard that Im starting my first fan fic I currently only have one short chapter done but I would like some opinions on it while Im trying to think of what to do for the next chapter I would also like some idea for it if you have any. anyways heres what I have so far http://mellowbrony.deviantart.com/gallery/38514878#/d5967tu Edited July 31, 2012 by Mellow My OCs: Mellow Genny Techmo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonOfTheNorthe 412 July 31, 2012 Share July 31, 2012 You used the word "she" four sentences in a row. Sentences are kinda choppy, and the chapter is really short. I see no obvious grammar or spelling errors, so that's a plus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LunaBlu 6 July 31, 2012 Share July 31, 2012 Sounds good kind of choppy like previous comment said and you should definitely lengthen the chapter. Keep at it friend! Thanks, Octavia's Celloziod! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mellow 73 July 31, 2012 Author Share July 31, 2012 I just uploaded chapter 2 the paragraphs are a bit longer and I hope I fixed the problem of it being choppy you can find it on my deviantart My OCs: Mellow Genny Techmo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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