FoxyCryptid 4,330 August 23, 2012 Share August 23, 2012 I've hopefully got someone working on fixing the issues with the dialog formatting, so I just need input on the style and writing itself. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/41315/My-Little-Highlander.- "You know, I don't know who or what you are Methos, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you did teach me something. You taught me that Life's about change, about learning to accept who you are, good or bad. And I thank you for that." -Duncan McLeod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.RedundantPh.D 60 August 23, 2012 Share August 23, 2012 (edited) My main advice is to SHOW rather than TELL. Instead of Chysalis blurting out that she's weak and hungry, describe her in a away that makes her look weak and hungry. Another thing is to not write it like its a movie. Movies have a sort of time limit, and can't go in depth into everything. You have no such fetter when writing, so use it to your advantage. Hope this helps. Edited August 23, 2012 by Dr.RedundantPh.D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxyCryptid 4,330 August 23, 2012 Author Share August 23, 2012 My main advice is to SHOW rather than TELL. Instead of Chysalis blurting out that she's weak and hungry, describe her in a away that makes her look weak and hungry. Another thing is to not write it like its a movie. Movies have a sort of time limit, and can't go in depth into everything. You have no such fetter when writing, so use it to your advantage. Hope this helps. Thanks:) "You know, I don't know who or what you are Methos, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you did teach me something. You taught me that Life's about change, about learning to accept who you are, good or bad. And I thank you for that." -Duncan McLeod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Shine 767 August 23, 2012 Share August 23, 2012 (This is all just IMO) What works: -The plot (story, not...well you know) was legitimately intriguing after the setting changed to the IRL world and I'm very curious as to what will happen next, and how Chrysalis will try to screw things up. -The characters, especially the humans. You nailed that. -I actually disagree with Dr. Redundant; I like your imagery. What doesn't really work: -The dialogue at the beginning sounds very awkward. -All of the events before they enter IRL world seem too rushed. Looking forward to the next parts of this story! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxyCryptid 4,330 August 23, 2012 Author Share August 23, 2012 (This is all just IMO) What works: -The plot (story, not...well you know) was legitimately intriguing after the setting changed to the IRL world and I'm very curious as to what will happen next, and how Chrysalis will try to screw things up. -The characters, especially the humans. You nailed that. -I actually disagree with Dr. Redundant; I like your imagery. What doesn't really work: -The dialogue at the beginning sounds very awkward. -All of the events before they enter IRL world seem too rushed. Looking forward to the next parts of this story! I'm working io chapter 2 right now. "You know, I don't know who or what you are Methos, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you did teach me something. You taught me that Life's about change, about learning to accept who you are, good or bad. And I thank you for that." -Duncan McLeod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr.RedundantPh.D 60 August 23, 2012 Share August 23, 2012 (This is all just IMO) What works: -The plot (story, not...well you know) was legitimately intriguing after the setting changed to the IRL world and I'm very curious as to what will happen next, and how Chrysalis will try to screw things up. -The characters, especially the humans. You nailed that. -I actually disagree with Dr. Redundant; I like your imagery. What doesn't really work: -The dialogue at the beginning sounds very awkward. -All of the events before they enter IRL world seem too rushed. Looking forward to the next parts of this story! I liked the imagery too, my gripe was that there wasn't imagery on places where there should have been. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FoxyCryptid 4,330 August 23, 2012 Author Share August 23, 2012 I liked the imagery too, my gripe was that there wasn't imagery on places where there should have been. I might go back to that chapter when I'm not sick of screwing with it and work it over a little. I wanna at least get a couple more chapters up first(I'm being alot more descriptive now) "You know, I don't know who or what you are Methos, and I know you don't want to hear this, but you did teach me something. You taught me that Life's about change, about learning to accept who you are, good or bad. And I thank you for that." -Duncan McLeod. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shotoku 47 August 23, 2012 Share August 23, 2012 There needs to be more emotion. When you have Chysalis speak, describe how she is talking, not just what she is saying. That's the biggest issue for me so far is the lack of description of her voice. Example: "How delightful." versus "How delightful" she snickered. I'll finish reading this tomorrow, can't right now, I'll give further feedback after that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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