Peace begins with a smile [first fanfic, would love comments!]

[Gone for good 1,593]

So, a few minutes ago I put up the first "chapter" of my first fanfic on fimfiction. It's the diary entries of this young boy who comes from an apacolyptic background that manages to find his way into Equestria. I know this is kind of cliché right off the bat, but one of the many things I've been trying to do is make this with as less clichés as possible, as I think challenged by someone in the forums skype chat a looong time ago. You can find the link here, and the goal is for me to upload at least one new entry every week.

 

I originally started working on this earlier in the year, February to be exact, but I scrapped the main character and setting and kind of rewrote the whole thing using similar elements. Since this is my first one, I still have a lot to learn and any comments at all would really, really, really help out!

Edited December 30, 2012 by Lord Bababa

[Fubz 300]

Firstly, nice avvie! xD

 

I really like the way you've written this, it's really interesting. Fix this sentence "My mom was more than just my mom, we were actually friends" The word actually ruined it all D:! Either take out actually or replace it.

 

Take your time when you're describing settings. I'd like to see how the "Do not enter" room is in more detail. Try to do it subtly, like don't directly say the room is dusty, but say you moved across the room brushing past the grey dusty walls as an example.

 

This is probably the furthest I've ever read into a fanfic! Good job!

[Fluffy Pinkie 417]

I'm a little surprised at myself. Usually I don't read too many FIM fanfictons and the ones I do are usually sad(I don't know why I do this too myself  ) I've never finished any human fanfictons because I just couldn't get into them, but I actually like this one and I'm gonna try to stay updated on it.

 

The only real complaint with the story is the pace. I like quick story chapters but this is just a little too fast, but that's just my opinion. After all I've never written a fanfic