{Content Warning: derealization (feeling unreal/fake), insomnia, hallucinations/delusions, psychosis, mental illness(es), possibly triggering content-- be warned.}

Around 1 a.m. (which is still currently today as I'm writing this entry,) on 6/11/2015, I've been experiencing extreme derealization. What's even worse that last night/yesterday I was listening to a song, but it had some things which had lyrics such as, "How do I know this is real life?" or something along the lines of 'not feeling real', and the lyrics to the song kept playing over and over again in my head.

It's currently 3:20 a.m., and although I'm connecting more back towards reality, it's still stressful trying to occupy myself other than drawing and trying to go back to sleep. Hah, speaking of sleep, I actually went to bed at a good time last night. Though ever since I woke up, I keep seeing and hearing things that aren't there, and now I'm still frightened to go back into slumber. Psychosis is fun, ain't it? No joke, I'm even listening to peaceful music and I'm still seeing this one thing which I cannot even speak of because it haunts me and the peaceful music is further making me more uncomfortable.

Luckily I have pets to keep me also occupied and remind me that there's still living presence around me, therefore I shouldn't be too scared, but regardless I'm still worried to even use the restroom because I think something may attack me. Another thing bad in general when I listen to music that if there's singing in the background, I think it's something/someone trying to communicate to me. It's been driving me insane every late evening and every early morning-- why can't I just go to sleep?

Well, I just hope that I can convince my parents I'm doing bad, but even when I told my mother that I was suicidal she shrugged it off and just said she didn't expect me not to be-- if anything she knew/wouldn't doubt I was. She probably did take me seriously, but considering I have distorted self-image of myself and along how I believe others perceive and treat me as, I might of overexaggerated. This isn't my fault, this is just how I think.
Not sure if she takes me seriously at this point because people do believe I come off as a hypochrondriac, but regardless this is seriously harming me and I need help. I don't want to wake them up though, for they do need rest, but still if it keeps up like this, I'm going to have to take desperate measures and bluntly tell my psychaitrist what I've been experiencing and see if her herself gives two shits how I feel. Hell, when I asked her if I might have schizophrenia she gave me weird looks because to hear, "uwu I seem to normal to have issues".

Well, ableist/mentalist psychiatrists/psychologists will always be trash, and I just can't wait to move out of my house and switch psychiatrists and therapist(s) so that I can actually receive proper treatment from people who I hope won't mess with me.

~With gratitude, Miguel/Jayne.
[Wrote at: 3:17 a.m., ending at 3:38 a.m. but published at 3:39 a.m. || Mountain Time (-7:00). June 11th, 2015||6/11/2015]

(To anyone reading this, it may sound dramatic, but the way how I felt and still feel is beyond comparison to what I wrote. Please do not harass/tease me of my issues, for I'll just become extremely upset and probably start going into an emotional breakdown. This is a way for me keeping track of what's going on, along with an audience of keeping an eye of evidence to remind me that I did bring this up before, so others will tell me to clarify so.

I also apologize for switching topic-to-topic, and this being so lengthy. It's easier for me to drain out what I'm thinking and saying without too much thought put into neatness, of course other than grammar and proper spelling. Thank you for reading, and have a great day!)