Although many would say "don't speak too soon - you'll jinx it," but, I don't believe that's the case.

A month ago a made a blog (as well as another a month before that) explaining some emotional discomforts. I was in the midst of going through a periodically recurring cycle. For the past 3 years, I would seem to go through it once per year, always around the start of fall, when I go back to college. Typically, it would last until winter came...

Well, I believe I broke the cycle. I think I know how, too. Looking back, I figured out the cause of why I would go through it.

I've always been prone to deep emotional attachments, especially being attached to home. But it's more than that. I used to be very uncomfortable with change. Very uncomfortable with progression. And that caused me to have a sort of pseudo-psychological issue with growing up and moving forward.

I lived life looking through a retrospective lens. That made it difficult for me leave home, because leaving home meant not only going somewhere different, but it meant leaving behind the place where all the good memories existed.

I'm an INFJ. The best single word description of that is "protector." I always have tons of thoughts running through my mind. I have a strong sense of instinct and intuition. I act mostly on feelings (though that isn't to say I'm an illogical person).

Growing up, I have always been a person to have a select few close friends. Ironically, I also have always sort of been a nomad, in terms of friend groups. There are a few specific people that I've always stuck close with, ever since elementary school. But in high school, I never really fit in to any specific group quite right. My personality makes me a shape that doesn't fit in the slot that my friend's personalities fit into. Having older, Baby Boomer parents, I was raised much more like a Gen-X kid, rather than the Gen-Y that I technically am.

Yet, I still managed to find happiness, and was able to be more than content in my life when I was younger. People say college is supposed to be the best years of your life. But I never have been known to abide by typical social norms and ideas. Although I'm not saying college isn't good - as, I have made great friends via these forums - but, I believe high school was the best. I miss playing in band, and I miss acting in plays in drama/theatre. Band and theatre were the two places where I actually fit in perfectly. I clicked with most everyone in those groups. Although I am introverted, I'm able to be outgoing when I feel comfortable with the people I'm around, and I did feel comfortable in those places.

My hometown is very small, and very country. There's one set of stoplights in the middle of town. A population of 2500. Around 250 kids at most in the high school in total; my grad class had 43 kids. Even though the county is technically a democratic county, politically speaking, it really is quite conservative in terms of people's lifestyles.

Anyway, for 18 years I had been used to all that. It was home. And naturally, it molded me into thinking it was who I was. And I took it for granted.

Then I went to college in the fall of 2013, and that's when it all happened. My first semester of college my freshman year was just... horrible. I went through way more than mere homesickness. I was just outright sad, and it kept getting worse. I began to go numb emotionally, around the start of December. I had many nights of insomnia, so I was living with little sleep. I wasn't eating well. I was really unhealthy. My fingernails began to get white spots, which are caused by lack of nutrition. I dropped like 15 or 20 pounds that semester.

But then I found MLP. It was a Godsend. I finally had something to attach to while I was away from home. Something pure. The next semester, the spring of 2014, I was a lot better. I was feeling happy, eating better, and things just went smoother. I even began to rethink my values and beliefs, and my political ideology. I used to be a Conservative, but I became a Libertarian after my exposure to being away from home at college, and also with my exposure to MLP.

For 6 months, I was totally a closet brony. Finally I realized I wanted to find a place online to talk to people about the show. I found MLP Forums in the summer of 2014.

But of course, I became re-attached to being at home, so even with having MLP, when I went back to college my sophomore year, I went through another sort of emotional cycle. It wasn't as bad, but it wasn't fun either.

Then come spring of 2015, I came out of it, and was feeling better again.

This summer I had a different job than what I had the previous 5 summers. Previously I'd worked for my city, on the Street Department, doing mostly roadwork and patching - shoveling asphalt out the back of a ton truck in the summer heat. But this summer, I worked as a cashier at our local grocery store. It was only part time.

Then it was time to go back to college. I'm a junior now. And I was beginning to fall back into another emotional cycle...

But I caught myself. I knew it was coming before it came. So I went in with a shield.

The cycle didn't last long this fall. I realized that by allowing myself to be comfortable and happy while away from home, and that by allowing myself to be who I want to be, I could stop the cycle.

I won't say that I know for sure whether or not I've been able to stop the cycle from recurring again next fall, but I can say that I know I feel great right now.

It's hard to believe I'm already a junior in college. It's hard to believe I just recently turned 21... But I've managed to accept that I'm halfway through college, and that I'll have to stay focused these next two years. Right now my goal is keep striving to do my best in college, and to start thinking about where I want to go after I graduate.

Love,

~ Miles