3 Signs Your Video Game is Possessed

Entry posted by Nico December 27, 2012

2,688 views

Anyone who enjoys video games has surely seen the odd silly incident here and there while playing, especially with modern gaming. But there are some things which occur during a game that make you go from having a good time living out your completely sane fantasies of drowning people by way of pool ladder removal and grab you by the shoulders, shaking you violently as you scream and suck your thumb, just as you will every night as you go to sleep after having seen them.

These are the soul tormenting, horrifying things that movie designers only wish they could create, and they are usually brought out as such unexpected surprises that they put all 'jump' moments to shame. If you are experiencing such abnormal game behavior, it's very well possible that your game may be possessed, and it is likely in that event that burning your TV or monitor is the only way to properly banish the images these daemonic apparitions bring upon you.

Here are three of the most obvious signs that your video game may very well be possessed and you should likely consult Geek Squad's personal Exorcist:

#3. Your Character(s) Clearly Become Daemons

The Problem:

So, you're just playing around in your little virtual world with your virtual little family, burning alive the virtual father of your virtual bundle of joy. All is well in the world of the Sims, when suddenly, having scorched his dear father, the bundle of joy transforms into an amalgamation of everything nightmarish.

For those fortunate enough to be unable to watch the above video, just take one look at the creature in its still-frame. If that isn't enough to terrify you, then watching it as it slaps its horrific limbs across the ground in a scramble to the dresser should do the trick. This is not only no longer a human child, but the head has been entirely detached, now floating in mid-air as its body moves about on its own.

Don't let it fool you. Beneath that cover is all that haunts your dreams at night.

As if this weren't bad enough, there are actually two children afflicted with this horrifying plague, and only you, the player, are unfortunate enough to witness their unseemly deformations, as the family goes on about its business as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening at all.

Then again, perhaps this is what you get for giving them the family name of "Buttmutant".

The Solution: If possible, calmly exit the game. Do not save your progress, and if possible, reload it at a point where the child no longer exists in the game world. If this is not possible, do not delete the save file, as it is too late. The child (or children) have already unleashed their plague upon the world and the only reasonable solution is now to burn the Hard Drive which contains the data for this whilst dousing the flames with small amounts of Holy Water and reading verses from the Bible in Simlish.

#2. Your Friends Forget How Necks Work

The Problem: So, a local doctor just dug your sorry hide out of an early grave after you've had a bullet put in your head, and he's nursed you back to health. You awaken to a friendly voice and a fairly friendly smile from the bald man, and a feeling of safety washes over you. Suddenly, though, things take a turn for the worse as you realize this is no man who has saved your life, and he has only spared you for a time to devour your fresh soul while you're awake.

This doctor will only be the start of your problems, however. You will see many more friendly faces along the course of your journey, and they will all see you, too, from the many angles at which their heads turn. Soon you will come to the realization that no place is sacred, no town is safe. Next thing you know you might run into a daemonic baby flopping its way toward you in the wasteland, but for now there's no time to worry about what-ifs when you have this to worry about:

"I'll be seeing you in your nightmares."

The Solution: Eject the disc, if you have one, and burn it. Meanwhile, cleanse the console or computer which you were playing on with a good old fashioned Alcohol Swab Baptism, ensuring to cleanse any data storage devices with extra care and attention, as they have been most afflicted. In the case that you are playing without a disc, simply skip to cleansing the computer or console and proceed to add a step afterwards where you plug in night-lights surrounding your device at all times in case of daemonic apparitions arising.

#1. You are Chased by Undead Penguin Men

The Problem: It should go without saying that penguins are extremely awesome, sliding around on their bellies to get around and such. It should also go without saying that zombies are a pretty common thing in this day and age, so seeing one in a video game isn't anything new. However, things go to eternally weird when penguin demons enter the souls of some men whom you've mercilessly launched off of a cliff and have them slide around on their bellies in an eternal ghastly pursuit of revenge.

(Due to limits on media in blogs on the forums, the video for this entry is in a link below.)

They slide around with wanton fury, hating only the man who has sent them to this tragic death. It starts out simple, with one lone penguin man simply keeping track of you, but as you brave the corpses of others that you have slain, you find that other penguin demons are more interested in haunting you for all of eternity, sliding along their undead human-host bellies in a desperate grab at revenge.

This particular Penguin demon is confused, but he's still pissed off all the same.

The Solution: There is only one way to escape penguins, and that is no way at all. It is in human nature to stay wherever penguins are near. You are now forever to be followed by the angry spirits of penguins embodied in the rigid, motionless shells of your former man, staring angrily at you as they go about your journey alongside you, instilling fear in your foes before you even unsheathe your sword.