That's really nice, I really wish the best for you on this whole journey (trust me it can be it was for me).

I remember at one time I was really really struggling with gender as well. I thought I personally was a pansexual, wasn't sure romantically, trans woman for a while, and I've come to learn I was actually a pansexual androromantic nonbinary (a lot I know). I've experienced the signs of my gender being not cis since I was about 13 and knew I wasn't cis when I was 15.

Like I remembered having my name picked out and everything. The name I had thought of was Catherine (liked Cathy for short), it was a variation on my mom's middle name, the phase lasted for a while I think a year and a half (I was 16/17 if I remember correctly). Now I feel more like a more fem leaning nonbinary, I think I'd be dysphoric either way. I feel pretty settled on it and I've so far been for about 5-ish years. I'd say bigender or possibly demigirl if any particular specific label would probably describe my gender at this point. I'm still extremely fond of the idea of wearing women's clothing and I in fact am quite possibly going to be in the position to get things like thigh-highs and miniskirts in the not-too-distant future. My current boyfriend of about 2 and a half years has been mostly very supportive of me and he's allowed me to be in an economic situation where I have the opportunity to actually get some degree of self-expression (thigh-highs, miniskirts, maybe a cat ear hoodie or a cat ear headband). Of course his preferences aren't quite aligned specifically with who I really am, but that seems to not matter to him too much which is great! Now I guess I'm settled on being Ash Dallas (first and middle).

An Edit: I'm worried about my relationship as well, thinking about things has made me question my own gender a bit and feel a bit inclined to think maybe I was right when I was in my teens and I am indeed trans fem and just in denial of it because my hand's been forced by circumstances... I live in a very trans/enby phobic part of the country and until I met my last BF I was dirt poor, living on barely anything...  I'm starting to be of the opinion my gender is more than likely mostly feminine if it is nonbinary, perhaps it's fully feminine though, not sure... I think my name would still be Cathy, think middle name would be like Mikaela (Miki for short)

It's weird how things changed for the both of us over time. I remember you being cis when I last knew about your gender (yes I know you and maybe you know me I don't know, I was on an old account at the time). I don't want to bother you too much more with our... history... though. I really genuinely wish the best for you in the future going forward.

14 hours ago, Somebody that Exists said:

 

forum being weird *sighs*

14 hours ago, Somebody that Exists said:

 (yes I know you and maybe you know me I don't know, I was on an old account at the time). I don't want to bother you too much more with our... history... though. I really genuinely wish the best for you in the future going forward.

I know you, It'd be pretty hard to forget. Sounds like you've had a bit of a journey yourself then, Ash. And thank you, for the kind words and support. I hadn't realized I wasn't a cis guy when you knew me, either. I was in my "surely of I just act and look more manly I'll feel more comfortable as a man" phase, and I was living with my dad so it's not like I had any other options for gender presentation that wouldn't get my kicked out. (He kicked me out anyways, but at least by then I had a decent job). I started identifying as an enby around 20, a bit after I left the forums for the most part. Even then there were little hints, though. I probably should have questioned why I liked wearing thigh highs (more like knee-highs on me) and women's underwear, even back then. But I tried not to think too much about it, I guess.

I don't think my boyfriend would react negatively in like, an anti-trans sense, he's always been pro trans-rights, but he also isn't attracted to women. Well, I think? He said "only if they're very dominating" which is not me. He seems to react positively to the toe-dipping into the gender pool I've done so far though, but I can't tell if that's just being nice or not, he's rarely openly judging of anything I do.

Trans/enby phobic area describes where I am now too, we moved to Tennesee when we didn't have anywhere to stay in Michigan anymore. I've only been called a slur in public once since wearing a skirt in public, though, so maybe not so bad? 

  I do think a mini-skirt would feel very nice and gender affirming, but though I've lost some weight since you knew me, not enough to feel comfortable exposing that much of myself, yet. Other gender-affirming clothes I'd like to get would be heels (though being size 18 men's shoe makes that hard, and being 6'7 I don't exactly need them. They are cute though) and maybe a blouse to go with my (full length) skirt. I have the advantages of being fairly okay on money and as the sole income between me and him I'm able to do what I'd like on that front. He seemed confused as to why I bought eyeliner/shadow and a skirt, but considering it came in the same package as a pentagram necklace and a big knife I suppose it was just a strange order overall.

I'm not decided on Maggie because it has the downside of making me think of the baby from the Simpsons. I also like the names Emma, Talia, and Juniper. Juniper starts with the same letter as my current name too, which might make it easier for me to adapt to? I don't have a whole lot to go off, just picking ones I like. 

*clicks on funny blog name* oh my its good to hear that you're settling it's tough to know what you truly want and who you really are. Love and dignity have been reliable guides for me. Magpie is a cuter name than Maggie IMO :3

Oh, also

2 minutes ago, abrony-mouse said:

*clicks on funny blog name* oh my its good to hear that you're settling it's tough to know what you truly want and who you really are. Love and dignity have been reliable guides for me. Magpie is a cuter name than Maggie IMO :3

Oh, also

 

You know, I hadn't considered Magpie as a name itself, but it is cute... I'm the one picking my name, it's not like I have to pick a traditional one. I'll certainly still have to think on it, but I like that idea. I like corvids in general, but Raven and Crow sound too edgy and dark for my tastes. Thank you, for the kindness and the potentially good name idea.

30 minutes ago, Brosparkles said:

I know you, It'd be pretty hard to forget. Sounds like you've had a bit of a journey yourself then, Ash. And thank you, for the kind words and support. I hadn't realized I wasn't a cis guy when you knew me, either. I was in my "surely of I just act and look more manly I'll feel more comfortable as a man" phase, and I was living with my dad so it's not like I had any other options for gender presentation that wouldn't get my kicked out. (He kicked me out anyways, but at least by then I had a decent job). I started identifying as an enby around 20, a bit after I left the forums for the most part. Even then there were little hints, though. I probably should have questioned why I liked wearing thigh highs (more like knee-highs on me) and women's underwear, even back then. But I tried not to think too much about it, I guess.

 

I don't think my boyfriend would react negatively in like, an anti-trans sense, he's always been pro trans-rights, but he also isn't attracted to women. Well, I think? He said "only if they're very dominating" which is not me. He seems to react positively to the toe-dipping into the gender pool I've done so far though, but I can't tell if that's just being nice or not, he's rarely openly judging of anything I do.

 

Trans/enby phobic area describes where I am now too, we moved to Tennesee when we didn't have anywhere to stay in Michigan anymore. I've only been called a slur in public once since wearing a skirt in public, though, so maybe not so bad? 

 

  I do think a mini-skirt would feel very nice and gender affirming, but though I've lost some weight since you knew me, not enough to feel comfortable exposing that much of myself, yet. Other gender-affirming clothes I'd like to get would be heels (though being size 18 men's shoe makes that hard, and being 6'7 I don't exactly need them. They are cute though) and maybe a blouse to go with my (full length) skirt. I have the advantages of being fairly okay on money and as the sole income between me and him I'm able to do what I'd like on that front. He seemed confused as to why I bought eyeliner/shadow and a skirt, but considering it came in the same package as a pentagram necklace and a big knife I suppose it was just a strange order overall.

 

I'm not decided on Maggie because it has the downside of making me think of the baby from the Simpsons. I also like the names Emma, Talia, and Juniper. Juniper starts with the same letter as my current name too, which might make it easier for me to adapt to? I don't have a whole lot to go off, just picking ones I like. 

Even with everything that happened between us with the break-up I never disliked you as a person (woman now), and now that I see you again I felt the need to talk about stuff again.

I have. I've been all over the map in terms of gender and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Like now I'm thinking I'm a bigendered demigirl (feel like a combination of both, but also partially just female). I stopped identifying as trans around 17 and started identifying as enby and now I'm back to questioning if I may still be trans but in denial about it because of my circumstances. For most of my adult life I've lived pretty horribly, and I would likely still be if I haven't found my new boyfriend, of now a little less than 2 and a half years. Like also you can like thigh highs and women's clothes and not necessarily be a woman. I very heavily want to express with thigh highs and miniskirts but I don't think I'm a trans woman exactly (I see the chance I am but I don't think I am). I unfortunately have never had the chance to express my gender properly and I'm a mess in part because of it. I look like a fucking guy and I hate it (and I know he means well but my BF is not helping at all).

I think my boyfriend wouldn't react negatively either if I were trans, the likelihood knowing him is that he'd try to help me find a guy that likes trans women (he's strictly into men, not sure what he thinks about trans men, would be curious about that). He's very supportive of me, even after I came out as enby. He said in fact he briefly considered being trans himself, but he decided he liked the idea of two men romantically and not just a man (his concept of gender was a bit heteronormative but this was back in like 2010). He's offered to help me express myself, though he's also said he prefers me to present more masc leaning. I haven't really dipped my toe into it, I literally just dived into the ocean. I knew I wasn't cis even before I met you and we had our relationship (regrettably we never met but I still remember the Bebop story with the cop and me and my boyfriend fully watched it, probably the best mainstream anime I've seen), though I wasn't really entirely sure what I was. I initially went to trans, so that's where I was when we were together.

Yeah I still live in Texas but luckily I now live around Houston instead of the small town I used to live in so they're better about it. I could get away with thigh highs under my jeans probably even if they weren't just to rebel against them. I don't really have much interest in wearing make-up except maybe things like eye-liner, nail polish, and maybe lipstick but I feel like it would be a very low priority. Other things on the other hand like thigh highs especially are a top priority. And the cat ear hoodie, YES THE CAT EAR HOODIE! Nyan-Binary style going to be cute! I've never tested the waters yet, I'm quite closeted at this point about my gender. Everyone knows I'm romantically attracted to men but they don't know for the most part I'm an enby/demigirl.

Yeah there's a lot I want in terms of that, miniskirts and thigh highs are just what I like the most. I'd ideally wear a skirt over a miniskirt when it's cooler or I don't feel like showing off my thighs (though my thighs ended up great for expression ). I unfortunately am not really entirely set on money, I'm focused on affording college and getting a fucking cell phone (I don't have one anymore, thanks to being pretty much broke from 18 to 21). My boyfriend though should get some income in about a year (he's finishing off a degree in physics) and I'm getting MASSIVE grants for college, I may be mostly set on it just with those grants (I'm going for an IT associate's). I had VERY cute necklaces and bracelets from a high school friend but I can't find them anymore and I'm sad about that... Especially since I just encountered her recently on Facebook makes me feel extra bad. I'm like 5'10 and 155 (working on getting it down to 140), so I think I'm luckier in that regard than you seem to be with your much more masculine stature.

I'm quite decided on my name ideas for the most part. I like their meanings (Catherine/Cathy had and still has special meaning to me whereas the others I like the standard meaning of), and I like the way they come off. It's something to think about when it comes to names, luckily most of mine came easily enough. Although I do still have fem names I'm willing to go by (Cathy Mikaela), I do like Ash a lot as a name (and Dallas as a middle) and it was nice of you to use it in this context, it felt very euphoric

1 hour ago, Somebody that Exists said:

Even with everything that happened between us with the break-up I never disliked you as a person (woman now), and now that I see you again I felt the need to talk about stuff again.

I never truly disliked you either, though there was a period after where I was hurtful to you in some ways that weren't justified, and I'm sorry for that.  

1 hour ago, Somebody that Exists said:

I have. I've been all over the map in terms of gender and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Like now I'm thinking I'm a bigendered demigirl (feel like a combination of both, but also partially just female). I stopped identifying as trans around 17 and started identifying as enby and now I'm back to questioning if I may still be trans but in denial about it because of my circumstances. For most of my adult life I've lived pretty horribly, and I would likely still be if I haven't found my new boyfriend, of now a little less than 2 and a half years. Like also you can like thigh highs and women's clothes and not necessarily be a woman. I very heavily want to express with thigh highs and miniskirts but I don't think I'm a trans woman exactly (I see the chance I am but I don't think I am). I unfortunately have never had the chance to express my gender properly and I'm a mess in part because of it. I look like a fucking guy and I hate it (and I know he means well but my BF is not helping at all).

Comparatively I've just had the two identities, both times shifting more to the feminine end. Looking back on it, I honestly feel like the non-binary label for me was in part to let me be more feminine without having to worry as much about the masculine traits still there. It let me see how I felt not being a man without having to commit to being a woman, I guess. 

I'm in the same camp on that last point. My face is unmistakably masculine, I grow a full beard quickly, have a deep voice, etc.  I used to get mistaken (back when I thought it was a mistake, anyways) for a woman in my late teens though, so maybe there's hope yet for me. 

1 hour ago, Somebody that Exists said:

I think my boyfriend wouldn't react negatively either if I were trans, the likelihood knowing him is that he'd try to help me find a guy that likes trans women (he's strictly into men, not sure what he thinks about trans men, would be curious about that). He's very supportive of me, even after I came out as enby. He said in fact he briefly considered being trans himself, but he decided he liked the idea of two men romantically and not just a man (his concept of gender was a bit heteronormative but this was back in like 2010). He's offered to help me express myself, though he's also said he prefers me to present more masc leaning. I haven't really dipped my toe into it, I literally just dived into the ocean. I knew I wasn't cis even before I met you and we had our relationship (regrettably we never met but I still remember the Bebop story with the cop and me and my boyfriend fully watched it, probably the best mainstream anime I've seen), though I wasn't really entirely sure what I was. I initially went to trans, so that's where I was when we were together.

 

I know my bf has no problem with trans-ness itself, and I know he finds trans men just as attractive. But I worry I'd lose him if he really is strictly attracted to men. 

I do regret never getting to meet you, though in the mental state I was in at that time it may not have gone well if we did. I don't mean that in some sort of edgy way if it sounds like that, I mean more I was heavily obsessive with relationships and what I at the time thought would make me happy. It was the first serious relationship I'd been in and I had no idea how to act. 

Oh geez, the Indiana story. This is a prime example of what I mean, no thinking things through, just on a whim deciding to drive across the country into a blizzard in a beat up old car. I had no idea what I'd even do if I got there, either. Just decided that my current obsession was there and I'm not, so that's where I should be.

1 hour ago, Somebody that Exists said:

Yeah I still live in Texas but luckily I now live around Houston instead of the small town I used to live in so they're better about it. I could get away with thigh highs under my jeans probably even if they weren't just to rebel against them. I don't really have much interest in wearing make-up except maybe things like eye-liner, nail polish, and maybe lipstick but I feel like it would be a very low priority. Other things on the other hand like thigh highs especially are a top priority. And the cat ear hoodie, YES THE CAT EAR HOODIE! Nyan-Binary style going to be cute! I've never tested the waters yet, I'm quite closeted at this point about my gender. Everyone knows I'm romantically attracted to men but they don't know for the most part I'm an enby/demigirl.

I honestly don't know if Texas would be better or worse than Tennesee. Neither seems good, though... I miss Michigan. I at least live in a college town, so most people I associate with are college educated 20-somethings, which at least in my experience haven't been too homo/transphobic. I only get publicly insulted once in a while, and haven't experienced any true threat or danger or anything from it yet. 

I was taking an interest in it because it helps me feel less manly, but also because I just find it pretty and fun. I got this big set of all sorts of colored eyeshadows, for instance, it's just fun to be able to play with my look while I re-invent myself. Cat ear hoodie does sound very cute, though. 

2 hours ago, Somebody that Exists said:

Yeah there's a lot I want in terms of that, miniskirts and thigh highs are just what I like the most. I'd ideally wear a skirt over a miniskirt when it's cooler or I don't feel like showing off my thighs (though my thighs ended up great for expression ). I unfortunately am not really entirely set on money, I'm focused on affording college and getting a fucking cell phone (I don't have one anymore, thanks to being pretty much broke from 18 to 21). My boyfriend though should get some income in about a year (he's finishing off a degree in physics) and I'm getting MASSIVE grants for college, I may be mostly set on it just with those grants (I'm going for an IT associate's). I had VERY cute necklaces and bracelets from a high school friend but I can't find them anymore and I'm sad about that... Especially since I just encountered her recently on Facebook makes me feel extra bad. I'm like 5'10 and 155 (working on getting it down to 140), so I think I'm luckier in that regard than you seem to be with your much more masculine stature.

 

I wouldn't call myself "set", especially since my BF lost his job last year (they fired him on Christmas Eve of all days...) but I do well enough as a software QA that we don't struggle. 

Not having a phone sounds rough, though. It may seem like a strange offer coming from someone you haven't spoken to in a while, and I totally get if you can't accept or if it just feels weird, but do you need help on that front? Either one actually, phone or cute stuff. I'd hate for that to be a barrier to expressing yourself.

I totally get the losing jewelry thing, considering I lost this cute purple chain mail bracelet my BF had made for me. I have no idea how I lost it, I wore it to sleep and next morning it was gone. I've searched all over for it, it just poofed out of existence or something. I still feel bad about it.

I don't mind my height so much, it's not like women can't be tall. (6'7 is extreme, but I'm only a couple inches taller than my mom, for instance) Weight, I'm working on. Down 30lbs in the past 2 months. General frame is rough on me though, I have broad shoulders and a masculine face, a deep voice and huge feet. Things I can't really change though, so I suppose dwelling on them doesn't help.

2 hours ago, Somebody that Exists said:

I'm quite decided on my name ideas for the most part. I like their meanings (Catherine/Cathy had and still has special meaning to me whereas the others I like the standard meaning of), and I like the way they come off. It's something to think about when it comes to names, luckily most of mine came easily enough. Although I do still have fem names I'm willing to go by (Cathy Mikaela), I do like Ash a lot as a name (and Dallas as a middle) and it was nice of you to use it in this context, it felt very euphoric

Of course I'd use your name, It'd be really hypocritical of me to ask people to change how they refer to me and not do the same for others. Do you prefer just Ash, or Ash Dallas when referred to? 

I hadn't looked into the actual meaning of names much, but most should be better than my current one which means something about seizing someone by the heel in Hebrew. The reason I had gravitated towards Maggie (or I guess now just Magpie, potentially) is because they're very smart birds full of personality, yet have a bad reputation as being evil or ominous like their other corvid cousins, which makes it feel a little rebellious. 

Update - I came out to my BF. He took it better than I expected and was very supportive. I'm now crying a lot. But this is good. Thanks everyone, I do think having the conversation here helped me have it IRL. 

6 hours ago, Latersatyr said:

Update - I came out to my BF. He took it better than I expected and was very supportive. I'm now crying a lot. But this is good. Thanks everyone, I do think having the conversation here helped me have it IRL. 

I appreciate having the conversation, we hadn't talked before this in... I think 4 years? It's nice talking to you again in general.