I finally got a moment to sit down, calm before the storm for finals week. It's blogging time!

Today's entry is titled "Regarding ‘Pride’ “,  referring to Pride month and what it means to me.

For most of my life, I never really considered myself as part of the community. Despite growing up in a liberal state(California), I grew up in a conservative family/culture as my family is from Central America. They are very traditional in terms of cultural values and see LGBT+ in a much more negative light as do other surrounding countries down south. Our culture has a more collectivist perspective towards things and does not see eye to eye on various individualistic values as the US does. Things have steadily changed over time as laws and ideals are changing, but the negativity is still there due to old traditions still in places of great influence.

When I first heard of the term "gay", I had no idea what to think. As a child, it made sense that love is love and it was just people being people. However, it quickly was made known to me by my surroundings that people around me did not feel the same way and saw it as a "mental disease" or "plague". Especially my classmates and parents. I remember students calling things that they didn't like as "gay" throughout middle school and high school and people came up with all these horribly fake stories about gay people in general. When I found out that people had made those stories up and did not even know much about it, I immediately distanced myself from them. It wasn't until high school that I met my first few gay friends. My first gay friend was named "Alan" who was a transfer student halfway through sophomore year. We became fast friends as we were both in marching band together. I found out later that he was the first person that he came out to as he trusted me. I remember telling him that it was a normal thing and that there was nothing to be afraid of and we became best friends after that during high school. Nowadays, we aren't close as we used to be in high school due our paths being different, but we still message each other once in a while to catch up. One of my other friends that I met in band, I'll call her "Michelle" as she came out later to me as a Demi-sexual. This was something really new to me at the time and for a few years afterwards, I had a difficult time wrapping my head around the concept. It came as a new learning experience to how extensive and unique the gender and sexuality spectrum is as it did not make sense to me at first, but eventually I came around to understanding recently as I met more people who identify closely with this. During that time in high school, I was still considered as "straight" to everyone, however I noticed that my personal feelings were all over the place for all genders during high school. I wanted to do a lot more, but I was very scared of my parents and friends finding anything out at the time as they felt strongly against the community. It wasn't until years later that I realized my true feelings in 2020 and came out to my brother and a few friends as bisexual in regards to my sexuality. I became prideful of finally being myself with people and slowly coming out to more people. Some people have disavowed me and insulted me, but I still try my best to move forward.

As a bisexual, I don't have particular preferences and technically speaking, I don't have any issues and have dated people who were non-binary and trans before. I had met some people in the community who quickly told me that I'm not really "bi" and that I am more of a pansexual for this. Now this would be true if I am going with the literal definitions of these labels. However, this might be controversial to some, but I don't think any labels really define who we really are as people. I think we create labels and think that we are confined to only what they describe in a basic sense, but the reality is that we define these labels for ourselves. I don't find anything wrong with the term Pansexual and have a few Pansexual friends as well, but it never called to me in a sense. Some people like to use terminology such as "umbrella term" when discussing pansexuality being part of bisexuality(while maintaining its own separate self) and that's perfectly valid too. When I first heard the term "bisexual" years ago, something about it rang true within me, but I wasn't really sure who I was during high school as I was trying to fit in with the general crowd and family who were all very traditional. Some people may not know this, but bisexuality still gets a bad rep with groups inside and outside of the community as people immediately stereotype us or show us in a negative light in general. I have even  been insulted by gays/lesbians in the community for simply being bisexual and not "fully coming out as just gay/lesbian" as they would tell me. I have seen shows and books that said things like "all bisexuals are the most sexually promiscuous of all sexualities", "bisexuals are all adulterers"/"they love having and cheating with multiple partners", and "all bisexuals are secretly gay and use it as an excuse to cover up their real preference of same sex". During the past few years, there has been some great progress for better representation and understanding behind bisexuality.

As for my gender identity, I have always tried to keep it a secret online because two reasons. First, I noticed that people treat you so differently when you say that you are a male or female, so what I did was lie to everyone about what my gender was in general. I am flabbergasted at how many times that people here or other places act so differently when you tell them that you are a male or female. It really shows me their true character and helps me decide if they are really friends with me or not. However -  I realized over time with the next reason, that they would still act similarly towards me- as the second reason is because I never really thought that I really fit into who I was born as growing up, but since I grew up with a traditional and conservative background - I was too scared to really be myself and felt that I had to be this other person...until now.

Today, I want to share a part of myself that I have slowly come to understand and accept. It's a part of my identity that makes me who I am, and it's time I shared it with you. Over the years, I realized that I am feeling more closely to the term non-binary. This means that I do not identify strictly as a man or a woman. Instead, I exist outside the traditional gender binary. Due to my background, I originally thought that this concept was bizarre and foreign to me, but as I learned more over time, I realized that it reflected more of my own thoughts and feelings over the years, but I was just too afraid to say it out loud. So I am sharing it here with you. My gender identity is my own, and it doesn't fit neatly into the boxes labeled 'male' or 'female'. I understand that this might be a new concept for some of you. The idea of gender as a spectrum, rather than a binary, is still relatively new in our society. I know several people who frown upon this notion and think it's a "mental disease". But it's an idea that resonates with me and many others around the world. It's an idea that allows us to express our true selves, without the constraints of traditional gender norms. I want to assure you that I'm still the same person you've always known. My non-binary identity doesn't change the essence of who I am and neither does my sexuality either. It simply gives a name to a part of me that has always been there, but I was never able to really piece it together before. It allows me to live authentically, as my true self. Coming out as non-binary is not a decision I've taken lightly. There's still more thoughts that I have behind it for deeper discussion. It's a journey of self-discovery that has taken time, introspection, and courage. It's a journey that has led me to a deeper understanding of myself and my place in the world. I understand that you may have questions, and I'm open to answering them as best I can. I will admit that I don't know every little thing as I am trying to learn more about myself. All I ask is for your understanding, your respect, and your support.

On another note- I recall years ago when I was studying public policy as a undergrad in my university here in California, I was going through the university's vault for old newspaper articles and texts regarding Civil Rights and the Black Panther Party as they originated here in California. One thing I noticed during my research were some local newspapers opinions/editorials that discussed topics of the day, such as civil rights and one person wrote to the editor about the "emergence of homosexual tendencies" in California during the 1960s. This person went on this awful tangent with pseudo science and religious views where they put out some disparaging comments. One quote had the following: "...studies show that homosexuality is a new trend among young teens of this generation in an attempt to be rebellious to natural order. This will surely last until they reach adulthood as they realize that they need to stop playing around and start working...". Obviously that was never the case as there has been other historical texts/literature showcasing LGBT+ for a long time prior to the 1960s and we know so much more now. Now there are some aspects of the community that I agree with and other aspects that I don't. However, I always try to respect opinions inside or outside as long as they remain respectful and tact.

To those people that say negative insults to the LGBT+ community: It's not a fad, there's no conspiracy or "secret agenda", or anything "unnatural" about it, to me- it's simply just people who want to be seen as who they really are and proud of being who they really are - especially in the face of the great adversity they still face today. There are actually people who think Pride month was a new thing that started a few years ago, but fun fact- "Pride month" actually originates/coincides from the Stonewall Inn Riot from 1969 that has an anniversary on June 28th. That was one of the first/earliest of series of gay liberation protests. The term "Pride" was first associated with the LGBT+ community's fight for equal rights at the beginning of the 1970s with the Christopher Street Liberation Day March. Nowadays, it's called the Pride March/Parade. Interestingly enough, Brenda Howard (bisexual woman btw) who is referred to the "Mother of Pride", actually help organized the first Pride March which occurred on a Sunday in June.  Now in the US, Pride month actually became nationally recognized during the Clinton administration in 1999 and became more emphasized with the Obama administration. There's actually a rich extensive history that I could write up more on, but I am limited on time at the moment. 

I think if more people from all kinds of backgrounds were willing to sit down and have more discussions from people within the community rather than interacting with false narratives from the media, they will immediately see that everything is completely normal and not as bad as what certain groups of media say. We can all coexist with one another in society regardless of race, sexuality, religion, etc. It's why there has been a lot of progress made since comments like the one I found in that newspaper from decades ago. There still needs to be some more progress to be made in terms of equality for all minority groups and I think one day, we will get there despite the chaos the world is currently in.

Anyway, it's getting very late and I must go now. I thank you for hearing my story out as Pride month ends and wish all my friends well in their future endeavors.