As 2024 thankfully draws to a close, and with good hopes for the coming year, I wanted to give a brief (as brief as I can be anyway) life update, and possibly explain why I keep popping in and out of here at odd intervals.  It won't be a fun story, but I can only hope it will serve as some form of an explanation into the inner workings of this freight-haulin' little pony (as I've chosen to represent myself on this forum).

First, a little bit about myself in general: I don't have much luck with socializing, largely due to my very low self-esteem and general introverted behavior, coupled with random bouts of depression that can sink me into depths previously left unexplored and leaving me unwilling to interact with others unless absolutely necessary.  I tend to avoid crowds because in a past employment crowds meant danger and were to be avoided as much as possible, so I don't get out as much as most average folks do.  I socialize at work, and have what I call work buddies versus actual friends, but any interaction doesn't really go beyond that.  I do a lot of traveling in my job, so I tend to be a bit of a homebody in my off hours, opting for delivery of groceries or dinners rather than go and fetch them myself.  

How does that apply here, you ask?  Surprisingly, the introversion and depression are the main culprits, rearing their ugly heads each time I try to have some meaningful contact with people I've gotten to know here, making me feel overwhelmed in general and inadequate compared to others.  There are times I feel I've overstayed my welcome, I'm only a step away from being shunned, that I don't belong here, I'm  a fraud, they're just humoring me, they wish I would just go away so they could be happy again...  and that's why I tend to leave without as much as a goodbye or an 'I'll be back when I feel better'.  

So that's why, about a year and a half ago, and probably longer than that (my memory isn't what it used to be these days), after I had returned from yet another self-imposed hiatus and was starting to make some friends, the feelings I described above came to the fore and really started messing with my head space.  I think I had too may irons in the fire, between here, streaming on Twitch, doing some DJ work in Second Life, and just life in general.  I had joined a very welcoming and friendly group, only to bolt from it not even two weeks later.  

To those folks, and to countless others that I've come in contact with here, I can only say I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain I may have caused.  I'm not trying to rationalize my behavior, merely trying to help you (and to an extent, myself) understand why I did what I did, and know that I had no malicious intent behind it.  The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone.

Around the time of my last blog entry (which I re-read and oh my goodness could I whine about work a little more?), II had stopped streaming and DJing, the depression and low self-worth were really strong during that time.  I would come to the forums but not say anything, and not fully understand why it was so difficult to interact here.

Earlier this year I got back into streaming on Twitch, which went fairly well.  I don't have a big audience but that really doesn't matter, I'm just happy for the core group of friends that stop in and lurk, or comment during the show.  It was a real boost to my self-esteem when my friends helped me reach the Affiliate level.  

I've eased myself back  into the forums, not pushing too hard into any one topic or another, mainly playing the games or just offering brief snippets in other threads where I feel my input is relevant to the topic at hand.  

Perhaps the biggest thing that's happened to me this year concerned my personal journey through life, which as of a month ago and after twenty years, I will be continuing solo.  This is actually the first time in my life that I've not had any kind of support system of people i could go to if I needed help.  I am truly alone in this as I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand with four fingers and a thumb left over.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the reason it ended as abruptly as it did, without any advance warning that I was aware of, but as I told her before she left, I'm grateful for the good times together, and I apologize for the bad times.

So, to sum things up, I'm still here, very receptive to make contact with people I know, and to meet new people who won't mind hanging out with a neurotic old freight-haulin' earth pony.

I'll close this by wishing everyone the best for 2025, enjoy whatever holidays you may celebrate, and be good to yourselves and each other.