*hugs silently*

I stop by this emotional blog and also hugs silently.  

Quote

Now certain people here may frown upon or look down on me for mentioning any of this stuff, but I write this for the people who cannot speak of this in public. 

Don't you love this train of thought people have amassed? "Hey. We have mental health awareness. We know you're mental ill so shut up. We're aware." Do people not realize mental illness, psychological process in general, is hardly visible? Sure, you can pick up on a person's general vibes. If you know them, you can pick up on variations in their presentation, their interactions, their gestures, etc. But being "aware" of mental health isn't enough until people aren't willing to see what they're supposedly so aware of. I realize you're being polite to those who don't want to read this kind of thing, but honestly? They should read it, too.

You are so very strong, and because of my own mental problems (depression/anxiety, mild autism/ADHD), I often can't find the words besides, "That sounds like a lot" or "You're being very strong." But reading this, the strength of your spirit and character resonate. I didn't come from a poor home, but I did come from an abusive home to the point my mother actually took me and ran in the middle of the night after months of planning how to get away from him. That stuff's what happens besides closed doors. People already like to raise an eyebrow at that, so they love to throw "attention-seeking" at general mental health issues because you can't prove how you feel.

I also broke it off with someone this year. An ex-girlfriend...not so amicably. I'm not going into detail, but it got ugly at the end and we've washed our hands of each other.

But, hey. Everything you told us in this post, heart still beating, still alive, still progressing, you need to throw that right back at yourself but also look at your accomplishments. Sometimes, because of my own experiences and certain complexes here, I sit here at 27 years old feeling like I've done nothing with my life...despite having a bachelor degree and being in law school. You finished Summa Cum Laude? I was Summa Cum Laude going into my senior year...then I was a Cum Laude when I graduated. (Drugs, girlfriends, etc). 

Just take a step back and slowly put things together. Like you said: Small things, every day. And hit me up if you'd like to talk.

Hoof to heart.

3 hours ago, StoryStorm said:

Don't you love this train of thought people have amassed? "Hey. We have mental health awareness. We know you're mental ill so shut up. We're aware." Do people not realize mental illness, psychological process in general, is hardly visible? Sure, you can pick up on a person's general vibes. If you know them, you can pick up on variations in their presentation, their interactions, their gestures, etc. But being "aware" of mental health isn't enough until people aren't willing to see what they're supposedly so aware of. I realize you're being polite to those who don't want to read this kind of thing, but honestly? They should read it, too.

You are so very strong, and because of my own mental problems (depression/anxiety, mild autism/ADHD), I often can't find the words besides, "That sounds like a lot" or "You're being very strong." But reading this, the strength of your spirit and character resonate. I didn't come from a poor home, but I did come from an abusive home to the point my mother actually took me and ran in the middle of the night after months of planning how to get away from him. That stuff's what happens besides closed doors. People already like to raise an eyebrow at that, so they love to throw "attention-seeking" at general mental health issues because you can't prove how you feel.

I also broke it off with someone this year. An ex-girlfriend...not so amicably. I'm not going into detail, but it got ugly at the end and we've washed our hands of each other.

But, hey. Everything you told us in this post, heart still beating, still alive, still progressing, you need to throw that right back at yourself but also look at your accomplishments. Sometimes, because of my own experiences and certain complexes here, I sit here at 27 years old feeling like I've done nothing with my life...despite having a bachelor degree and being in law school. You finished Summa Cum Laude? I was Summa Cum Laude going into my senior year...then I was a Cum Laude when I graduated. (Drugs, girlfriends, etc). 

Just take a step back and slowly put things together. Like you said: Small things, every day. And hit me up if you'd like to talk.

Hoof to heart.

Thank you for your kind words and support, I appreciate it.

I agree that we should advocate for more normalcy in open discussion about mental health here on this site too. I think you have valuable insights and that they deserve recognition. I understand other's fears that comes from discussing these topics as I share the same feelings with them. One day I wish to help foster an  environment where everyone feels safe enough to express themselves to the fullest.

Similar to you, I come from a poor AND abusive home as well. From one aspect, it's comforting to know that you understand these challenges as your journey resonates with me as well. So I really appreciate you taking the time to open up about your background as it takes a lot of courage to do so.

You are right about recognizing our past accomplishments. It's so much easier to focus on the failures of today than the achievements of yesterday especially when life feels overwhelming.

I would like to say to you that completing law school is a significant achievement considering everything else that occurred to you and you should be very proud of that too.

After consulting with a professional, I have slowly began implementing new adjustments into my life recently and plan to incorporate much more in the coming days. It's not easy, but I'm committed to improving myself as we head into the new year.

I have begun focusing on my online relationships and interactions with people. Over the past week on this site and Discord, I've started to remove toxic connections and have slowly become more selective about my interactions. I removed plenty already and still have more work to do, but it's helping me readjust and align myself to more positive and meaningful connections.

I find it reassuring that someone like you is in our community and I appreciate your offer to talk. My door is open for you as well.

I hope that we can continue to have more meaningful discussions like this one and continue to support one another.

I don't really understand how you can force yourself to be positive at all through such trials. It's good that you can, but I can't find a way for myself to. I feel like I've nothing but hopelessness. There is nothing good I can do with that feeling. Any thoughts about my life or future lead back to self-loathing. I can't even manage to enjoy other things, hobbies I used to enjoy, etc. I'm on medication that is supposed to help with some of this, but I can't tell how much good, if any, it is doing.

7 hours ago, Winter Storm said:

I don't really understand how you can force yourself to be positive at all through such trials. It's good that you can, but I can't find a way for myself to. I feel like I've nothing but hopelessness. There is nothing good I can do with that feeling. Any thoughts about my life or future lead back to self-loathing. I can't even manage to enjoy other things, hobbies I used to enjoy, etc. I'm on medication that is supposed to help with some of this, but I can't tell how much good, if any, it is doing.

I can relate to your disillusionment and sense of hopelessness as I have chronic depression. You have to realize that sometimes just existing and surviving the chaos of life is a beautiful victory in itself.

Something that I'm learning is the importance of reframing my thoughts to focus on the present. Just spending 5 to 10 minutes doing something with no expectations is very helpful.  I was reminded that my self-worth isn't determined by productivity, happiness, or any other feeling, but simply by being yourself and enjoying this very moment.

You should really consult a professional if you feel that your medication is not helping you and explore different options to improve your situation.

And then here I can be sure that I can never really imagine how the person is truly feeling like behind the screen, I was aware that you were having some struggles, but I really didn't imagine that you was considering 2024 to be such a bad year for you

But I just say something, even though I understand your feelings and agree with what you said, I just feel the complete opposite from you, or at least almost completely, as there's something from it that I don't consider it was good.

I think my 2024 was great, had lots of good moments and I feel that the forum really helped it, I joined in 2023 but it was only in 2024 where I started to be truly active here and started to interact with other people in a friendly way, it, my family, stuff from the entertainment industry and some other things really helped to keep me happy throughout the year, and well, that's it, and that's the problem

Everything that made me happy throughout the year were "external things" only, delivered by other people only, but what about me? Yeah, that's the problem.

You say "But I was pretty upset with myself", well, I might feel worse about myself then, because if I had to base solely on myself, then I think my 2024 was 80% a total waste, I think my personal output in 2024 was one of the weakest so far, maybe losing to my output from 2023 only. Many things I made this year just weren't worth at all in my opinion, or were a complete waste of time, I believe I could've done so much more in 2024, yet, I think I couldn't even do more drawings than I did in 2022 and 2023, and 2022 and 2023 were years where I was depressed.

I mean, I was never diagnosed with depression, I never made any test or anything (I never wanted to), it's purely based on my personal thoughts, I truly believe I had depression in 2022 and 2023, as in those yesrs I felt very sad and terrible in a way that I never felt anymore, I haven't felt that way again at any point in 2024, that's one of the reasons I think 2024 was a good year for me.

I specially feel that throughout the year I became more friendly, respectful, patient, calm and understandable, but I also feel that I became less sensitive, I really feel empty, that I started to lack emotions and that I just care less about many things as more as the time passes.

I don't feel sad or depressed, I do feel good, but my emptiness and the fact that I feel that my output was weak, make me constantly feel that I'm a failure and that my life has no meaning, and to make it worse, my pessimism has gotten stronger as well, I oftenly really don't expect good things and for me the future is bleak.

You say to not compare myself to others, but I can't, you and other people manage to stay positive and strong even though you keep facing many bad situations and struggles, with mental health and many other bad things, you lose a lot of things, but you keep trying. I have everything I need, yet I can't be productive as I could be, many things I try to do just don't work or I simply give up, many of my projects were left unfinished or cancelled, some of them I didn't even start. There's no way I can't feel a weakling compared to you when I read through your texts, but I've reached such a calm state of spirit that I just simply accepted it, I don't feel angry or sad or anything, I just accept it and I'll continue what I do, I'll keep trying too, because I like, no matter how hopeless I feel, no matter how much I envy your optimism and persistence (as I already said before in one of your posts)

Anyway, I have more to say about that but I prefer to save it for another opportunity, I think that's good enough for this post, Serenade you're one of the nicest people here, continue with your strong effort and friendly interactions that I'm sure things will get better for you, you seem to really appreciate the little things very well, thank you for being one of the reasons for me to consider 2024 the first good year of my adulthood, I really hope you have a beautiful 2025 and future in general my friend, at least I'll try to help with it, and again, i can guarantee that your sister is doing good in the spirit world.

Happy new year!~☆

3 hours ago, Rafa Stary said:

And then here I can be sure that I can never really imagine how the person is truly feeling like behind the screen, I was aware that you were having some struggles, but I really didn't imagine that you was considering 2024 to be such a bad year for you

But I just say something, even though I understand your feelings and agree with what you said, I just feel the complete opposite from you, or at least almost completely, as there's something from it that I don't consider it was good.

I think my 2024 was great, had lots of good moments and I feel that the forum really helped it, I joined in 2023 but it was only in 2024 where I started to be truly active here and started to interact with other people in a friendly way, it, my family, stuff from the entertainment industry and some other things really helped to keep me happy throughout the year, and well, that's it, and that's the problem

Everything that made me happy throughout the year were "external things" only, delivered by other people only, but what about me? Yeah, that's the problem.

You say "But I was pretty upset with myself", well, I might feel worse about myself then, because if I had to base solely on myself, then I think my 2024 was 80% a total waste, I think my personal output in 2024 was one of the weakest so far, maybe losing to my output from 2023 only. Many things I made this year just weren't worth at all in my opinion, or were a complete waste of time, I believe I could've done so much more in 2024, yet, I think I couldn't even do more drawings than I did in 2022 and 2023, and 2022 and 2023 were years where I was depressed.

I mean, I was never diagnosed with depression, I never made any test or anything (I never wanted to), it's purely based on my personal thoughts, I truly believe I had depression in 2022 and 2023, as in those yesrs I felt very sad and terrible in a way that I never felt anymore, I haven't felt that way again at any point in 2024, that's one of the reasons I think 2024 was a good year for me.

I specially feel that throughout the year I became more friendly, respectful, patient, calm and understandable, but I also feel that I became less sensitive, I really feel empty, that I started to lack emotions and that I just care less about many things as more as the time passes.

I don't feel sad or depressed, I do feel good, but my emptiness and the fact that I feel that my output was weak, make me constantly feel that I'm a failure and that my life has no meaning, and to make it worse, my pessimism has gotten stronger as well, I oftenly really don't expect good things and for me the future is bleak.

You say to not compare myself to others, but I can't, you and other people manage to stay positive and strong even though you keep facing many bad situations and struggles, with mental health and many other bad things, you lose a lot of things, but you keep trying. I have everything I need, yet I can't be productive as I could be, many things I try to do just don't work or I simply give up, many of my projects were left unfinished or cancelled, some of them I didn't even start. There's no way I can't feel a weakling compared to you when I read through your texts, but I've reached such a calm state of spirit that I just simply accepted it, I don't feel angry or sad or anything, I just accept it and I'll continue what I do, I'll keep trying too, because I like, no matter how hopeless I feel, no matter how much I envy your optimism and persistence (as I already said before in one of your posts)

Anyway, I have more to say about that but I prefer to save it for another opportunity, I think that's good enough for this post, Serenade you're one of the nicest people here, continue with your strong effort and friendly interactions that I'm sure things will get better for you, you seem to really appreciate the little things very well, thank you for being one of the reasons for me to consider 2024 the first good year of my adulthood, I really hope you have a beautiful 2025 and future in general my friend, at least I'll try to help with it, and again, i can guarantee that your sister is doing good in the spirit world.

Happy new year!~☆

Thank you for being open and sharing your struggles with us, Rafa. I know that we all face our own challenges and tribulations during the year, but I'm glad to hear that you think that your 2024 was great despite the contrast in how you felt with your personal output throughout the year.

It's a common feeling to think that we could have always done more or that certain actions were a waste of time and that your feelings are totally valid, but I want to tell you that I learned over the years is that your worth is not dependent on your productivity or accomplishments. What I'm learning and mentioned before to someone else is that it depends on perspective and looking at things from the long-term angle. I think the fact that you are aware of these specific feelings and your will to continue is a great sign of your strength and perseverance.

That is why I urge you to stop comparing your struggles and experiences to mine or anyone else's in life. Everyone's experiences in life are very unique and everything you face is just as important as everyone else.

I appreciate the kind words you wrote to me. I'm not perfect and full of flaws, but I try to improve myself every single day. I think your journey is just as valuable and important as mine.

I saw that we should look to be kinder to ourselves in 2025. I think it's important to reflect and know that these feelings we feel are valid and that we shouldn't just watch them go by, they make us feel something for a reason and the reasons behind our feelings inherently make our human experience more incredible and real.

Thank you for your post, friendship, and support as they mean a lot to me. You are a kind and lovely soul even if you do not feel it at times. You helped me with all your posts and amazing artworks too, they are inspiring to me and many other members of the community. I want us and everyone else to grow together in 2025. Let's lift each other up in our journeys.

I wish you and your loved ones the best in 2025, Happy New Year my friend!

1 hour ago, Starlight Serenade said:

Thank you for being open and sharing your struggles with us, Rafa. I know that we all face our own challenges and tribulations during the year, but I'm glad to hear that you think that your 2024 was great despite the contrast in how you felt with your personal output throughout the year.

It's a common feeling to think that we could have always done more or that certain actions were a waste of time and that your feelings are totally valid, but I want to tell you that I learned over the years is that your worth is not dependent on your productivity or accomplishments. What I'm learning and mentioned before to someone else is that it depends on perspective and looking at things from the long-term angle. I think the fact that you are aware of these specific feelings and your will to continue is a great sign of your strength and perseverance.

That is why I urge you to stop comparing your struggles and experiences to mine or anyone else's in life. Everyone's experiences in life are very unique and everything you face is just as important as everyone else.

I appreciate the kind words you wrote to me. I'm not perfect and full of flaws, but I try to improve myself every single day. I think your journey is just as valuable and important as mine.

I saw that we should look to be kinder to ourselves in 2025. I think it's important to reflect and know that these feelings we feel are valid and that we shouldn't just watch them go by, they make us feel something for a reason and the reasons behind our feelings inherently make our human experience more incredible and real.

Thank you for your post, friendship, and support as they mean a lot to me. You are a kind and lovely soul even if you do not feel it at times. You helped me with all your posts and amazing artworks too, they are inspiring to me and many other members of the community. I want us and everyone else to grow together in 2025. Let's lift each other up in our journeys.

I wish you and your loved ones the best in 2025, Happy New Year my friend!

You're right, I think it'll be challenge for me to do that, maybe I just expect too much from myself, I should focus on the good things I do, it's normal to make mistakes and meaningless things, but we'll always try our best in what it's important for us, thank you a lot for the help, it's really good to read through your posts too, they help me to understand how it's the life and struggles of other people, hope you continue making more, I wish a beautiful 2025 for you and everyone here too ~☆