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Longhaul

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  1. Longhaul
    Another birthday approaches.  One more trip around the sun, another year in the history books, one step closer to the grave, whatever you prefer to call it … at the end of September I’ll be marking it.  I’ve had some time to reflect on the previous year, the highs and lows, sometimes both at the same time.  There’s not much else to say about things, so I’ll just get right into the retrospective. 
    After a pretty good start after my last birthday, how could I have known that just two months later my life would go through a major upheaval?  I had absolutely no idea that, after twenty years of what I thought was a good relationship, she’d abruptly walk out of my life forever.  I think, had I known it was coming, it might have softened the blow and I might have had an easier time coping with the loss of companionship I’d become accustomed to.  But, ultimately, it just ended and I’m left to pick up the pieces and move on with no real support system in my real life.  Online friends?  They help.  They make me feel like there’s people out there that might actually care about me in some small way.  It’s just the cold reality that sinks in to me when I come home to an empty apartment, realizing that anything I do or anywhere I go from this point on will be a solo journey.  I’ve managed to have a couple of outings and had a pretty decent time, but the experience might have been better if I could have shared it with someone else.  I guess it’s just a side effect of sharing a life with someone for twenty years, only to have that come to an abrupt end with no hint of what was to come.
    It’s been three months since I was reinstated as terminal manager and I’m slowly settling into the whole routine.  At least this time around I have a better idea of what to expect, as opposed to the first time when I truly was thrown in blind and left to fend for myself.  I’ve had good days and bad days, sometimes both in the same time span, but for the most part I’m happy to be off the road.  I was rapidly getting to the point that I would have had to find another job that didn’t require me to be driving all the time, as it was causing me physical pain with each trip taken, each mile driven.  And, I have a good crew that works well and works with me.  Chalk one up in the plus column for that.
    Overall health, while not perfect, has been relatively okay.  This past year I’ve had weight struggles, eye problems, gout flare-ups, issues with sleep and just the general maladies that come with getting to an advanced age.  I’ve been doing all I can, and all I can afford, to keep myself going as best as I can and maybe squeeze a few more years out of this rapidly deteriorating body of mine, and while it’s been a mostly uphill struggle, it appears I’ll be hanging in for a little while longer at least.
    While this isn’t a milestone year, as far as age goes, it’s still  a remarkable achievement to have been around this long, as there were points in my life where I never thought I’d make it, nor did I really want to.  Still, the journey continues, and while it’s mostly downhill at this point in time, I plan to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasts. 
  2. Longhaul

    Chances

    By Longhaul,


    personal, ramblings, thoughts, worries
    I’ve started and reworked this post quite a few times over the past few days, and I doubt I’ll ever be happy with it, so I’m going to go with this revision and be done with it. As many of you might be aware, I was granted a reader position in the Golden Oaks Library Revival club here on the forums.  I consider this a high honor, and a duty that I will not take lightly.  I never expected to be granted any type of staff position here, so being accepted was a complete surprise to me.  I’d like to publicly thank all of those that were willing to give me a chance.  I am doing everything I can to not let your trust in me go unfounded. 
     
    I’ve been given chances to prove my worth in the past, and been met with mixed results.   In many cases, I was simply brushed aside, simply because someone else came along that people liked better, and I was relegated to a minor role, if I was utilized at all.  To be given trust, and to have that trust suddenly yanked away, really hurt me, and made me reluctant to take on greater responsibilities for fear of such events happening again, or being judged incompetent and being cast off permanently.  Even now, in my current role within the company I work for, I tread carefully, cautiously.  Yes, I’ve done this job before, and yes, this time around I am a bit older and wiser, with more knowledge about what is expected of me.  Yet, I can’t seem to shake the persistent nagging doubt that all of this could come crashing down around me and I, once again, will be cast aside. 
     
    The only thing I seek is the satisfaction of a job well done, and occasionally the acknowledgement of the higher-ups that, in fact, I am doing a good job.  Constant praise is not what I am after.  All I ask is to make my contributions, and hopefully be acknowledged that my efforts made a positive difference.  I greatly fear being pushed out, or marginalized, or under-utilized in any position I hold.  That, to me, reveals a lack of trust which I find very difficult to reconcile.  Am I not doing well enough?  Do they just not like me?  Was I the only option available and now that they found someone better, am I going to be released from my duties without so much as a ‘good riddance’?  These thoughts plague my mind at times, and I have to do my best to make sure they don’t creep into my work.  This is why I put so much effort forth, and keep my head down and just do what I am tasked with.  I offer input only when I feel it’s relevant, and can only hope I won’t be ridiculed too hard if it turns out to be a bad idea from the start.  Probably not the best way to do things, but for now, until I grow more comfortable, this is the way I’ll probably be.
     
    If you read this, thank you, it’s something I’ve been trying to get out of my head for a little while now.  Maybe I can sleep a little easier now and not worry about personal fears that have no boundary in reality. 
     
     
  3. Longhaul

    Back in the saddle again

    By Longhaul,


    general, rl issues
    Oh my, another few months, another blog entry.  It’s like it’s becoming a habit or something.  I sit and think about what I want to write about and then immediately scrap the idea because no one really cares (so says my mind).  The big thing I wanted to talk about is my return to the world of management, through a series of events that even had me scratching my head trying to figure out exactly what in the blue blazes was going on and how did I get to this point again?
    In 2020 I was tasked with running one of our smaller terminals in south central Texas.  I had some basic training from the manager I was working with at the time, he showed me a few things, and when I went down and met with the outgoing manager, I learned the basic day-to-day operation.  No, it wasn’t perfect, there were still a lot of gaps in my knowledge, yet I was able to fill them and do a halfway decent job.  The guys had respect for me and things went smoothly for a while.
    And then along came a gentleman who was tasked with doing a linehaul route but would also serve as my backup should I need to take a day or two off.  Fine with me, I figured.  And then I started hearing the stories from the others.  Stories about how he should have had my job but was one week too late to apply for it.  How he could do a better job than I could.  I put up with this for over two years, when after a particularly bad day, and I suspect after a few libations being consumed, he decided to go over my head, and over my boss’s head, to complain to the head of the company.  At that point, I had had enough. I went to my boss and essentially said, if he wants my job that bad, give it to him and I’ll go do linehaul.  And that’s what I did.
    Did he do an adequate job?  Possibly so.  I only stepped in to cover when he was out, and I still heard all the workplace talk.  How he kept slagging me, saying I wasn’t doing a good enough job.  Then, the complaints started about dealing with the upper management.  I think he finally saw what I had to put up with and it really opened his eyes.  Didn’t do much for his attitude, unfortunately.
    Meanwhile, I was still driving, even though it caused me physical pain each night when I went out.  Yes, agony to the point I was contemplating a different line of work.  But I hung in, swallowed my pride (and a bunch of analgesics) and soldiered on.
    June 2nd was just another Monday, or so I thought.  I woke up early in the afternoon as I commonly did, and saw that my phone had been blowing up.  Message from the manager, asking if I could go I because “I think I’m done” with the company.  Another text, from the big boss, that simply said “Call me.”  Not a good sign.  I called big boss back immediately and he filled me I on the situation.  I, in turn, filled him in on the text manager sent me and the reason I went to linehaul in the first place a couple of years ago, and that put the final nails in the coffin for manager dude.  I was told the manager job was mine if I wanted it, I accepted it, and here we are almost a month later.   
    It's weird to have people tell me they’re happy I’m back in charge again, but if they’re happy with it, so am I.  I’m in a better place mentally, plus I know the job as opposed to the first time around, so I think I can handle the stress better.  I’m still trying to get into a rhythm as far as balancing home and work, but that will come in time.  I’m trying to be more active on sites such as this one, with my involvement in the Golden Oak Library Revival club (which you should totally check out) and just popping up randomly in different threads. 
    I think that’ll do it for this update, and if I have more to say another time, I’ll post it here.  I wish you all the best, and I’m always up for a chat if you’re so inclined.
  4. Longhaul
    As 2024 thankfully draws to a close, and with good hopes for the coming year, I wanted to give a brief (as brief as I can be anyway) life update, and possibly explain why I keep popping in and out of here at odd intervals.  It won't be a fun story, but I can only hope it will serve as some form of an explanation into the inner workings of this freight-haulin' little pony (as I've chosen to represent myself on this forum).
    First, a little bit about myself in general: I don't have much luck with socializing, largely due to my very low self-esteem and general introverted behavior, coupled with random bouts of depression that can sink me into depths previously left unexplored and leaving me unwilling to interact with others unless absolutely necessary.  I tend to avoid crowds because in a past employment crowds meant danger and were to be avoided as much as possible, so I don't get out as much as most average folks do.  I socialize at work, and have what I call work buddies versus actual friends, but any interaction doesn't really go beyond that.  I do a lot of traveling in my job, so I tend to be a bit of a homebody in my off hours, opting for delivery of groceries or dinners rather than go and fetch them myself.  
    How does that apply here, you ask?  Surprisingly, the introversion and depression are the main culprits, rearing their ugly heads each time I try to have some meaningful contact with people I've gotten to know here, making me feel overwhelmed in general and inadequate compared to others.  There are times I feel I've overstayed my welcome, I'm only a step away from being shunned, that I don't belong here, I'm  a fraud, they're just humoring me, they wish I would just go away so they could be happy again...  and that's why I tend to leave without as much as a goodbye or an 'I'll be back when I feel better'.  
    So that's why, about a year and a half ago, and probably longer than that (my memory isn't what it used to be these days), after I had returned from yet another self-imposed hiatus and was starting to make some friends, the feelings I described above came to the fore and really started messing with my head space.  I think I had too may irons in the fire, between here, streaming on Twitch, doing some DJ work in Second Life, and just life in general.  I had joined a very welcoming and friendly group, only to bolt from it not even two weeks later.  
    To those folks, and to countless others that I've come in contact with here, I can only say I am truly sorry for any hurt or pain I may have caused.  I'm not trying to rationalize my behavior, merely trying to help you (and to an extent, myself) understand why I did what I did, and know that I had no malicious intent behind it.  The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone.
    Around the time of my last blog entry (which I re-read and oh my goodness could I whine about work a little more?), II had stopped streaming and DJing, the depression and low self-worth were really strong during that time.  I would come to the forums but not say anything, and not fully understand why it was so difficult to interact here.
    Earlier this year I got back into streaming on Twitch, which went fairly well.  I don't have a big audience but that really doesn't matter, I'm just happy for the core group of friends that stop in and lurk, or comment during the show.  It was a real boost to my self-esteem when my friends helped me reach the Affiliate level.  
    I've eased myself back  into the forums, not pushing too hard into any one topic or another, mainly playing the games or just offering brief snippets in other threads where I feel my input is relevant to the topic at hand.  
    Perhaps the biggest thing that's happened to me this year concerned my personal journey through life, which as of a month ago and after twenty years, I will be continuing solo.  This is actually the first time in my life that I've not had any kind of support system of people i could go to if I needed help.  I am truly alone in this as I can count the number of true friends I have on one hand with four fingers and a thumb left over.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the reason it ended as abruptly as it did, without any advance warning that I was aware of, but as I told her before she left, I'm grateful for the good times together, and I apologize for the bad times.
    So, to sum things up, I'm still here, very receptive to make contact with people I know, and to meet new people who won't mind hanging out with a neurotic old freight-haulin' earth pony.
    I'll close this by wishing everyone the best for 2025, enjoy whatever holidays you may celebrate, and be good to yourselves and each other.
  5. Longhaul

    "Holiday" fun

    By Longhaul,


    general, rl issues
    The only thing that I dislike about holidays in general is the way they muck up my schedule.  This current one will be no exception.  
    Now, normally, because the holiday falls on a Monday, I would not have to run Sunday night, instead running Monday night and finishing out the week.  I am not in the mood to deal with the returning vacationers on Monday night, so I had thought I could do my run during the day Sunday and then have the whole holiday to be at home. Up until this morning, that was still optional.
    I got a text from the terminal manager this morning telling me that due to illness, he would be out and I would need to fill in as TM until he can return to work.  Later on this morning I got a call from the operations manager asking if I could do the run on Sunday since it was going to be next to impossible to find a driver to bring the freight down.  I said it was not a problem, as I was thinking about doing that anyway, so that crisis was solved.  
    So, now I have to readjust to a daytime schedule again for I don't know how long -- at least the rest of this week would be my guess unless TM returns sooner -- which means I might be a bit more stressed than usual with having to deal with managerial stuff.  But hey, at least I still get the holiday pay plus what I work Sunday, so I got that going for me.  Which is nice.
    I figure if I leave my terminal at or before 6 am, that'll get me to the other terminal around 9 or so, maybe an hour swinging freight from an inbound trailer to the one I'm supposed to take, with unlocking and relocking everything, and hitting the road back to the home terminal, with fuel stop, I should be done by 1:30 pm at the latest.  And, after that, I can get back to doing what I most like to do on the weekends, holiday or no.  Nothing.
    Better get ready for bed, that alarm's gonna go off early.
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