Shadowking58

@@Skycoaster,@@Love,  

Do you think I can edit this for just a moment? The Cutie Mark isn't displaying properly. It comes out as a invalid box. And I'd like to get that fixed. If you can do that on your end, then please. Feel free.

Here's a picture of it

I like his name much better now. I've edited an instance within the text that displayed his old name. Looks fine to me, let me go see if I can't find someone to give second approval.

Uhhh... don't you mean "Can find someone?" Lol, jk

The formating is minor, and it won't stop you from being accepted. If it's really that bothersome to you, leave it as is. 

 

Couple more changes:

-His mom's name. Same thing as with the Fresh Prince reference. It's a pop culture of the real world, and therefore doesn't exist in Equestria. Something poker related would be pretty legit.

-This is a canon section, so everything has to be seen in the show, or it is reasonable that it might be seen in the show. That being said, what the heck is a night stone? If you're going for a dark stone, hematite might be your best bet. I do however really like that it's worn in memory of his mom.

-Filly refers to young female horses. Colt is male, foal is both. He basically says he's not a little girl anymore. >.>

 

You're super close to being approved, I promise.

Oh god, I had totally forgotten about that gender thing!

The hematite stone is a good idea, but it's still a necklace of sorts.

I just got one question, is there any way for anypony in Equestria Empire to listen to music like we do? (Like an MP3 player or something.)

This is a LOT better. You've got motives to why he does what he does. However, there are still a few issues:

-We don't have a solid grasp on how the economy works in Equestria. That being said, 2400 bits seems like an excessive amount of cash. Having a more generic statement rather than an exact amount would fit a lot better.

-The Fresh Prince reference has got to go.

-The formatting here is...not good. Why is every sentence on its own line? o.O

-What is he doing now? Where does he live? Presumably his career is as a gambler, so where does he find these games? Are they legit, or underground?

-This isn't required, but you may want to consider it: Give his parents names. They're major characters in his backstory, so this that over.

 

Finally, if you think 3 paragraphs is a lot, this section may not be for you. Right now an RP post has to be at least 300 characters. Once we migrate to the new site, it will go up to 600 characters per post. 

I appreciate the feedback. But I apologize for the formatting. I have a tendency to write or type like this. If every sentence isn't on it's own line, my OCD starts torturing me.

I hate that.

Hi there @[member=Shadowking58]

It looks like you have a really good foundation for this character, however the information you have on this character is extremely limited. All characters submitted to Equestrian Empire must have at least three descriptive paragraphs to make sure the character fits within the canon of MLP:FIM. You can find the rules for the section here.

 

One of the big things that you could improve upon is how he learned to play poker. Was it from books, or did someone teach him? Perhaps his mother taught him, since they didn't have a close relationship. Also, where were his parents when he saw them playing? Was it just the two of them, or were they at a party, and lots of ponies were play? Did he get cheated at some point that made him learn a huge lesson on how to play poker? Where is he from? 

 

You should tie together his like of the night and poker. The two seem like two completely independent parts of him. If you were able to intertwine the two, it would create a character that has a good flow.

 

The personality section doesn't give a lot of insight into who he is. He likes horror, but that would fit better into his likes, not who he is. Is he high strung? Easy going? Quick to anger? You hint at a few things regarding his personality, but expand on that more.

 

Headaches can be annoying, but there should be things that relate to his specific likes. If he gambles, he could dislike cheaters. Maybe daytime is the bane of his existance.

 

Basically, we want to see more of this character.

 

Finally, while I appreciate the Fresh Prince reference, it doesn't fit here. The Fresh Prince doesn't exist in Equestria.

Okay, I edited some things, rearranged some things, and made the backstory longer. 

I think this one is pretty good, but if there's anything else you'd like to say, I'm all ears.

Hi there @[member=Shadowking58]

It looks like you have a really good foundation for this character, however the information you have on this character is extremely limited. All characters submitted to Equestrian Empire must have at least three descriptive paragraphs to make sure the character fits within the canon of MLP:FIM. You can find the rules for the section here.

 

One of the big things that you could improve upon is how he learned to play poker. Was it from books, or did someone teach him? Perhaps his mother taught him, since they didn't have a close relationship. Also, where were his parents when he saw them playing? Was it just the two of them, or were they at a party, and lots of ponies were play? Did he get cheated at some point that made him learn a huge lesson on how to play poker? Where is he from? 

 

You should tie together his like of the night and poker. The two seem like two completely independent parts of him. If you were able to intertwine the two, it would create a character that has a good flow.

 

The personality section doesn't give a lot of insight into who he is. He likes horror, but that would fit better into his likes, not who he is. Is he high strung? Easy going? Quick to anger? You hint at a few things regarding his personality, but expand on that more.

 

Headaches can be annoying, but there should be things that relate to his specific likes. If he gambles, he could dislike cheaters. Maybe daytime is the bane of his existance.

 

Basically, we want to see more of this character.

 

Finally, while I appreciate the Fresh Prince reference, it doesn't fit here. The Fresh Prince doesn't exist in Equestria.

Right, I'll get on those things right away.

Also, I wanted to make people laugh with the reference, I'm sorry.

Do I gotta remove that and change it?

Oh, and 3 paragraphs? That's 15 sentences, right?

Ain't nobody got time fo' that!

Okay, in all honesty, if it's what I gotta do, then I suppose I don't have a choice, doesn't make it any less irriating though.