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Crypty Scribbles

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  1. Crypty Scribbles

    Just a Vent

    By Crypty Scribbles,


    general
    Hello, my little ponies!
    Sorry for being cryptic. It's just a vent. I write it mostly because some words have to be said aloud to gain power.
    Not so while ago I passed through a short personal crisis. A simple talk with a friend about certain people who's twisted nature is always causing malicious actions unintentionally caused a silent avalanche of thoughts about my own nature...
    I'm not a saint and made of very crude material. And for a while every time when I wanted to post anything kind and cheerful immediately it was feeling false to me. I was feeling like an impostor, a pretender who's trying to trick everyone around. Feeling of not belonging, dark and lonely. And that feeling was familiar. I remembered that I passed through it already.
    But I forgot.
    I forgot that how hard I'm trying is way more important than what people could think about me. I'm not a mirror reflecting light, now I'm a beacon by myself. I have my own fire inside to guide me. And my wish to share this fire with people around is more strong than hypothetical or even real doubts of others.
    Thank you for listening, ponies 6..6. Sometimes it really helps.

    Solaire of Astora, just because 9^9
  2. Crypty Scribbles
    Hello my little fellas!
    Today is the Day. 10 years ago I came here to meet some pen-pals and learn English. Or it wasn't me but another Crypty, now it's hard to say...
    Today I'm feeling nostalgic and want to make a note. There's no magical tale to tell nor deeds to be proud, but today I want to left at least any brief note.
    On this road I grew up, met friends, lost them all, regain some of them who are truly golden grains in sandy desert I crossed.
    I found love and lost it. I lost myself and found again. I learned to appreciate friendship, respect kindness, forgive weakness... forgive myself.
    Most people here don't know me, fewer people can recall me, several know me less than I would like and one knows too good to remember.
    Today I can see my trail through all 10 past years. It's a huge distance, a third part of my life. But!
    Today I feel that it isn't a final! Today I feel like past 10 years is just a prologue for a new story to be written.
    And if you don't mind and aren't too busy next 20-30 years I invite you to help me to write the story. Our Story.
    From now and ahead I don't want to count time with decades. I want every year to be special. Every day to be memorable.  And every second to be precious.
    Now I don't want to waste your and my time. Let the story begin...

  3. Crypty Scribbles

    6 Months of the Transformation

    By Crypty Scribbles,


    mental health
    Hello, my little ponies.
    I posted to this blog twice and both times I thought it shall be the last one. I wanted to title this one as "Conclusion" but I don't want to make this mistake again.
    6 months have passed since I knew that I live with Complex PTSD. For 6 months I've been disassembling and reassembling myself again and again to hack my personality and eliminate the quirks spoiling life for me and people around.
    Did my life get better? Definitely! Controlling my own behavior and thoughts is an interesting exercise. I became a better version of myself and started understanding other people way much better too.
    But were there only good changes? No. Escaping autopilot mode and controlling yourself is stressful, along with following new patterns. With consciousness instability came. I experienced insomnia, relapses, and fear of staying alone.
    But for the last couple weeks I'm feeling stable and confident. I could say that I didn't feel so good and powerful for many years, but it wouldn't be 100% true because even on my best days I had those C-PTSD quirks waiting behind the stage. But now I feel free of them and I really can say that I have never felt better before. Procrastination has gone, amount of productive hours per day increased, relationships with people got more rich and strong. I'm building plans for the future for years ahead and feeling that I have enough energy to turn them into reality.
    During my progress I built solid thick mental walls to protect and control my dysregulated emotions. But all my armor was destroyed in seconds by certain event like a sand castle being washed by an ocean wave during high tide so I had to start from the scratch. An event which could seem insignificant for others. It gave me an understanding how evasive my progress could really be.
    But anyways, today I celebrate my little victory on this path. Today I praise people who were supporting me during hard times. Thank you. For the possibility of talking to someone when I was feeling on the edge, or just a silent reacts on my vent post, or sometimes for an inspiration to continue my fight you were giving me from a distance without even talking to me directly.
    I started this blog to encourage others to make a first step on the path of self-exploration. And I want to believe that this post will become the next little beacon of hope for someone.
    Your Internet pony, Crypty Scribbles. Cheers ^-^
    Reformed Chrysalis is by https://www.deviantart.com/mlp004ninintv. Just because >=P

  4. Crypty Scribbles

    Misty Brightdawn and complex trauma

    By Crypty Scribbles,


    mental health
    Good day, everypony.
    To be honest, I thought that my first blog post about mental health shall be the last. But happened that I finished MYM the first time and have something to share.

    My previous post was informational, written for others. Current publication is more emotional, created only to express some emotions of mine.
    During the show I thought that Hitch is closest character to me, organized, kind, protective, worrying. But when Misty was introduced into the plot she stole my heart immediately. Everything in her was resonating with my inner feeling, nature twisted by years of unhealthy relationships with her step mother, false goals and destructive wishes to find validation from Opaline, loneliness, seeking for belonging and wish to change order of things, gaining her authenticity with brand new cutiemark and staying a good person, no matter what.
    Misty Brightdawn is a great illustration of complex trauma and it was nice to see a character in the show so detailed, complicated, so much different from others.
    This post is tribute to Misty Brightdawn and her transformation as symbol of hope for people who's stuck in consequences of complex trauma.
  5. Crypty Scribbles

    Let's talk about mental health

    By Crypty Scribbles,


    mental health
    Hello, everypony.
    I want to talk about a mental health, nature of complex trauma and psychotherapy as a way to explore your inner world.
    What the heck, Crypty?
    Happened that since last spring I started gathering information about complex trauma. It started accidentally, I just saw a random video about it in YT and decided to listen for general education. I felt overwhelmed because it perfectly described my problems and explained what experience in the past may cause them. Instantly I got hungry about it and started digging deeper.
    What I achieved
    As I feel, a lot. For several months I got rid of paralyzing shame, unreasonable loneliness and itchy wish to attract attention of some people. It all reduced daily stress and anxiety, improved my motivation and sleep quality and made me feel more healthy physically in general. As you can see, the progress is pretty much real.  
    Some boring details of personal experience:
    How my process looks
    Nothing special. I'm just listening lectures with names catching my eye and trying to apply to my current state, if it's being talked not about me at all, fits partially or describes me perfectly. There I can find an explanation why I feel this way and why I shouldn't and, sometimes, how to fix it. That's it. Knowledge and understanding is key for healing itself. When I meet unhealthy emotion again I recognize it and remind myself that it's unhealthy and where it comes from.
    About information sources
    I talked to good therapists, bad therapists, expensive therapists (all of them was, actually). But the best results I achieved from self analysis.
    There's some thematic YT channels exist. All of them are telling the same more or less. Here's some channels with good reviews I found:
    https://youtube.com/@timfletcher
    https://youtube.com/@crappychildhoodfairy
    https://youtube.com/@thepersonaldevelopmentschool
    I got stick with Tim Fletcher personally, by the reason I discovered his blog first. Crappy Childhood Fairy is really popular, I bet because of catchy name =P
    Why I share
    First I didn't want to share it with anyone except some friends who I already told being emotional, because this topic is... sensitive. But later I started noticing that some other forummates are telling about being depressed without actual external reason. And I thought that even if I overcame so much for several months, I didn't know where to start for many MANY years. 
    So even if at least one person will find this topic useful I have no reasons to regret that I brought it out to the light.
    In addition, I'm not a qualified therapist, I don't make diagnosis and can't tell people what to do. But, definitely, I can show what can be achieved on my own example to cheer and motivate others to explore themselves.
    Cheers. Your pal Crypty.
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