TwiThrowawayAccount

I appreciate it, I'm very new to forums and still unsure how to use them, so thank you

First of all, this most likely is not for everyone, actually, its definitely not for everyone. This is a rant that I typed out after being sleep deprived for a couple days, a little tipsy, and letting my emotions get the better of me. Second of all, this is probably not the most appropriate place to put this, but I don't know where else to put this and if not I will more than happily take it down. Trigger Warning uhh...cringe? Yeah, this whole rant is kinda cringe. As much as I dislike that word is really does describe that rant perfectly. Hello everyone, not sure if this is the appropriate place to talk about this but I really can't think of any place else, despite that I'm unsure this is the right place and me being uncomfortable expressing myself even in anonymity, I made a throwaway to chuck my thoughts into the void and see if anyone feels the way I feel, even in the slightest. Just because I'm tired of keeping this to myself. I'm no stranger to escapism, I'd say it has been a vital part of my late-teen/early-adult years, which in hindsight probably explains a lot. Anyway, whether it be music, video games, books, or shows, I love to be involved as much as I can in products I love. However, for FiM it's been quite different in an unhealthy way. I've been a part of the fandom for almost a decade now (Damn, that's a sad thought, where does the time go?) and I'd say, roughly, one year I'd be really into the show and its fandom (including fanart, comics, fics, games, music, etc, etc) then id grow away or lose interest the next year, rinse and repeat for the past decade. Parallel to the pattern of interest came a pattern of, I shouldn't say depression but an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness and insecurity to the point it affects my day-to-day life. I understand it's just a show, it's just a fandom, and I should spend less time in my thoughts and more time in the present, but something about the show and the fandom envelopes me in an indescribable warmth. I've been a part of a few fandoms and have a couple of hobbies but nothing makes me feel the way the show and its fandom do. I don't know if it's just because it's been with me for so long that I just feel safe with it, or since I've been watching since an impressionable age that some wires got crossed and now I'm genuinely delusional (Joke! I think..?) And I said earlier I know it's just a show and should be treated as such, just a show, not as a real-world equivalent but something about it just makes me so...comfortable but envious at the same time. To clarify, id say the show doesn't make me as envious, it's mainly some key pieces of fanfic I happened to read at a young age that made an impression on me and I think it snowballed from there. I love the world, characters, the lore, I can't think of a thing I dislike about the show and its fandom besides a few minor nitpicky things. It's to a point that, as cringy as it sounds, really wish that world was real and I think I prefer it over my own. Not that I have a depressing or lackluster life or anything. I go out on walks everyday, I have good friends, a roof over my head, food almost every night, and plenty of amenities to keep me sane but maybe I've just grown accustomed to all that sometimes it just doesn't seem like enough? I would gladly throw myself into that world despite culture shock, lack of modern technology, general weirdness, and all the other negative side effects that would come with that hypothetical. To be honest, I've had a recurring dream for maybe, I don't know, 5 or 6 years now? Where I would wake up on the border of a field and a forest, and after walking for maybe 5 to 10 minutes I would discover a nearby town, get just close enough to recognize a few key characters and buildings before waking up, and every time I would wake up I would feel such an overwhelming feeling of...almost despair, or a feeling comparable to when you let something slip out of your grasp, that I was so close. I would never think about harming myself in any way, but I vividly remember catching myself once wishing I would go into a coma and live out that fantasy, that thought was squashed rather quickly though. I understand a light-hearted, friendly show like FiM will elicit a sense of security and happiness that prevails over the world of our own, especially with recent events both worldwide and in my personal life. It's frustrating that I can't be more involved in that world and its characters, which is why I think I gravitate towards fanfics so much, which is one of the most unhealthy things about this whole fiasco. I get so lost in some of the stories that it puts me in week-long depression and when it's over it leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled like that story shouldn't be over yet. Maybe all of this stems from the 'unsatisfying ending' I hear so much about, I've yet to watch the final season because I'm truly scared about how it will end lol. All stories come to an end, something I normally find pleasure in is reading or watching a satisfying climax to the world I've come to love. But I personally think FiM is different. FiM is one of those stories that I wish were drawn out more, whether that means starting from the beginning (Not Twilight going to Ponyville beginning, like equestrian pre-history beginning) or just going back and getting really in-depth about the world. It's a world I feel many, myself included, would follow till the end of our life. Side note here, something that would be cool is some sort of...MMORPG-style game, similar to FFXIV or Elder Scrolls Online based on that universe, would be more than amazing, but that's a story for another day. I'm by no means a religious person, but I remember hearing an ideal that whatever you think the afterlife will be, that's what it will be, despite the end of the conscious your mind will still roam free in the world you created for it. In some ways, I hope that is true. Sorry for the tangent, as close as I am to some of my friends I could never express these feelings to them, they were never into the show and I feel like this would alienate me from them. Not that they're bad friends... it's just, I know this is all strange and probably a very messed up point of view, but it's how I feel nonetheless. Thank you to anybody who read this, it feels good to just get this out there and off my chest, even if no one reads, agrees with, or understands it. Most likely, as I said before I think my problem is just spending too much time in my head idealizing the perfect scenario instead of focusing on the present and what I have. I'm probably just overthinking everything, I've noticed sometimes I get fixated on certain worlds or stories and lose sight of why I enjoyed it in the first place, doesn't help I've been up for two daysish and have a couplea drinks in me...but whattaya gonna do? Again, thank you for taking the time to read this nonsense and my sincerest apologies if this is an inappropriate place to put up this rant thingy. I will not hesitate to take this down if need be.