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Starlight Serenade

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Blog Entries posted by Starlight Serenade

  1. Starlight Serenade
    So I totally forgot to update you guys in the midst of everything in my life banding about. 
     
    I was considering a blog, but maybe this should be a post, Idk. 
     
    Several people have reached out to me about not responding to my discord messages and such - well, I have decided to simply not use it as much anymore. 
     
    I was considering account deletion and was unfriending some people over time the past few months, as admittedly I was unhappy about some relationships with people, in some cases I was emotionally used by others where they ignored my thoughts and feelings on things in general, and in other cases it was not anyone’s fault. There were periods of time where I rarely had meaningful conversations in the week, despite having tons of  friends online.
     
     Whenever I had any issues with anyone, I started to be more direct and it led to some great conversations and introspection. Other relationships ended respectfully or others were acknowledged to have run their course. Like two ships passing in the night.  
     
    My clinical depression also causes extreme withdrawals, which leads to episodes of depersonalization and dissociation of other people. Even with my loved ones from time to time. So please do not take anything personally as there are some things I cannot always control.  
     
    If anyone thinks I hate them or anything negative, I really do not. 
     
    Usually if I dislike someone, I tell them directly, they say it back, we glare at each other and say “grrr” for a bit, usually until someone smirks, and then we laugh about it together. I wish I was exaggerating on this, but that happened to me more times than I can count IRL. It’s partially why I have started to essentially forgive everyone that I have met in the past. Even the people who really hurt me.
     
    I had an insightful conversation with someone that is a Buddhist here and they granted me a perspective I haven’t considered as I get busy with a lot of things online and IRL. 
     
    Sometimes leaving things be and walking away from the chaos is better for your mental health. 
     
    I feel liking having a lot of realizations is a recurring theme in my life XD
     
    I know there are other users who experience similar things, while others are not so understanding and that’s okay. Just as I try to be patient and respectful with you, I ask you to please try the same for me. 
     
    Hope this clears up some things as I was receiving a lot of random messages and I needed to start clearing up my inbox.
     
    Lastly, I plan to take a small break soon to take care of things, but I sincerely wish everyone and their loved ones the best in the meantime.
     
  2. Starlight Serenade
    To whom it may concern, 
     
    I hope that you and your loved ones have been well in my absence.
     
    It’s been a while. I haven’t been as active here as I’ve been through quite a lot recently.
     
    To be honest, I did not expect myself to ever return here due to IRL circumstances, but several people from the mlpforums reached out to me and convinced me otherwise.
     
    I was surprised by the words of two users in particular, who genuinely caused my heart to flutter.
     
    No words that I can ever write will ever suffice to the amount of gratitude I feel towards you. 
     
    Things are not easy for me, in fact they are very hard. With my disorder, I tend to have misunderstandings with people more often than not, as my curiosity encourages me to explore. In this process, it causes people to feel alienated and offended as it causes me to disassociate when I get more passionate about something, especially when it comes to the truth of a matter. 
     
    Some people don’t understand it and that’s okay, I don’t blame them. They see me act one way and think I take them for granted, but I don’t. I am truly grateful for the people who embody kindness and compassion here. This is a beautiful space where friendships thrive. I just don’t feel worthy of your kindness and it’s hard to process at times for someone like me. 
     
    Despite returning to the forums, I’m still not fully used to kindness from others to be honest. It still feels weird as I’ve been betrayed in the past by former friends, significant others, and family.
     
    However, I realized that just because you went through something difficult, it does not justify the way you treat future relationships. I learned this via discussions with various therapists recently. 
     
    I just want you to know that I really do appreciate you despite how I show it. It’s a difficult process in order to learn. I make a ton of mistakes and am heavily flawed, but I’m genuinely trying. Some will never understand and accept this. They will hurl verbal insults without truly knowing me and what I went through to get to this moment in time, but I forgive them. 
     
    In fact, I forgive everyone who has wronged me in my life. Even the people I have previously mentioned. 
     
    Truth be told, this is the first time I’m speaking out about this, but I went through something traumatic the other day and it started to open my eyes to a lot of things in my life. 
     
     I hope people can forgive me in the way that I have forgiven them. If they don’t feel the same or think I’m being disingenuous, I understand. I will continue to wish everyone the best. 
     
    One day, I don’t hope anymore, but I know that we will be friends again.
     
    I would like to say that I have no issues with anyone. I don’t know why, but I thought of a quote a character from one of my favorite fictional works once said: “I have no enemies”. 
     
    Once I learned what compassion and forgiveness truly were, I realized how adversaries are just a man-made thing we created in our heads. I understand on a deeper emotional level that it’s why Twilight and her friends kept giving others many chances. It’s one of the many reasons why I enjoyed characters like Starlight Glimmer and Discord. 
     
    It’s also the reason why I’m thankful for people’s patience and generosity with me despite my flaws.
     
    In order to see a rainbow, you have to experience the rain.
     
    You know, I started to journal my dreams over time and I noticed that I have hundreds of dreams. 
     
    Some last for seconds, others for lifetimes. 
     
    Yet, I never had a dream.
     
    Isn’t that crazy? 
     
    Due to my condition, I used to worry about not having a dream to the point where my health deteriorated for a long time. 
     
    However, I realized that in a way, it’s a beautiful gift that I cannot dream. 
     
    Do you know why? 
     
    Because it already means that I’ve always had what I wanted. 
     
    I just hadn’t realized it yet.
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