Dark Origins Prologue: Need Dark/SoL proofreaders!

[Tom Snyder 4,112]

So i'm rewriting my story "Dark Origins" this is for my OC, Dark Mist. And before you ask, no she's not evil in the slightest; she's just slipped into madness after the voices he hears start driving her down this path of darkness. But that's not the only trigger, both the voices and the truth she learns about herself drives the final nail into the coffin and sets off her madness. Her state of mind is not one that can be reasoned with, and Luna will be the one who tries to help her regain her sanity. 

 

What has happened is that Dark Mist was part of a secret experiment performed on the fillies and colts in Trottingham, nopony ever found out who did it to this fillies and colts, most don't make it through the first stage of testing. The fate of these unlucky ponies are found out when they find Dark Mist, who had escaped the facility; leaving destruction in her wake. This is where i have lUna try and bring back her sanity, but its harder than she thinks; the only option left is to seal off those memories from her mind; and try to fix it from there. Dark Mist doesn't remember a thing afterward and is told she will live in Ponyville; but be kept watch over until her mind is stable enough to live on her own.

 

Rosa Thorns, a former director of the facility comes to Ponyville; hoping to get back what was stolen from her. Dark Mist is her only means of getting recognition, but tricks Luna into trusting her; becoming Dark Mist's guardian. But in truth, she cared not what state of mind Dark Mist was in; but had to play along for the time being. This will allow her to be close to her last remaining subject, who she refers to as Subject Twenty Five". 

 

Dark Mist faces several challenges, but must also learn what happened to her all those years ago. But learning this truth may cost more than she believes, her own sanity will be on the line, and Dark Mist is the only one who can save herself; so will she be able to get back her sanity or fall deeper into madness?

 

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That's all i have for the moment, but i will have more as i go along. So can i get any proofreaders to critique this? I don't need anyone who doesn't specialie in this genre, only those who do.