Twilight's deal

[MattyM12 34]

(This is nothing more of a taster of something I've been working on in my head for quite some time... Tell me what ya think?)

 

Twilight wakes up to see everything around her has changed, the whole place around her turned grey, as if the colour of her surrondings have been sucked out of them, time has also seemed to slow down.

 

As twilight inspects her surrondings, she hears an all to familiar laugh, her eyes begin to widen, she got into a fighting position "I know you're here Cipher why don't you come out of hiding" she shouts, Bill teleports in front of her "hey there Twily... Ya missed me?" He replies in a mocking tone, "hardly, what do you want?" She asks, Bill seemed to be happy she asked that.

 

"Well ya see kid I only came here to help you" he replies, Twilight gives him a confusing glance "help me? With what?" She asks, Bill seemed happier "facing your fears" he simply replies, Twilight's eyes widen "I don't know what you're talking about" she lies, Bill seemed to enjoy this "don't play dumb IQ with me kid, you know darn well what I'm talking about... Aren't alicorns immortal?" He replies.

 

"Let me answer that for you yes they are and you are an alicorn, shame really" he finishes, Twilight looks at him in a frustrated way "what is?" She asks, "oh nothing just the fact that your friends will die whether or not by some supernatural force... Perferably me... Or by the twisted hand of age while you will just sit there and watch" he replies, "no no no you're lying" Twilight replies.

 

"Am I Twilight? Am I really? You know inside I'm right, you just can't accept that you won't be dying alongside your friends by age... How sad is it knowing that?" He continues, Twilight finally snapped "SHUT UP" she shouts at Cipher, firing a bolt of magic at him. It went through him but didn't kill him.

 

Twilight finally fell to the ground crying her hooves around her face. Bill floats over to her "I'm sorry kid, but you needed to hear that, immortality costs a lot of sacrifices... Even if it means your sanity... But I can help, I'll get rid of that nasty immortality and those wings... All I ask for is a small favour in return... So whattdya say kid? Do we have a deal?" he asks, his hand now engulfed in a blue flame reaching out toward Twilight

 

Twilight thought about it but made her decision "fine... You've got a deal" she replies shaking his hand.

 

 

So whattdya think? I know I'm not that good with punctuation, but I'm working on it

Edited March 31, 2016 by MattyM12

[GreySentinel 157]

I think it looks pretty good! Your punctuation doesn't look that bad to me, either. I don't read fan works often, but I like this concept as well. It looks like it could possibly go in a dark direction, which could be very interesting. Nice!

[MattyM12 34]

I think it looks pretty good! Your punctuation doesn't look that bad to me, either. I don't read fan works often, but I like this concept as well. It looks like it could possibly go in a dark direction, which could be very interesting. Nice!

thank you I appreciate it

[Aurora Gleam 37]

I'd just recommend working on using commas to separate clauses.  Other than that, it seems good .

 

Oh, and try to keep separate paragraphs for different speakers.

Edited October 13, 2015 by Aurora Gleam

[MattyM12 34]

I'd just recommend working on using commas to separate clauses.  Other than that, it seems good .

 

Oh, and try to keep separate paragraphs for different speakers.

oh okay thanks... Like I said I don't understand punctuation well... I think it's cos of my autism, but I do try to improve

[Aurora Gleam 37]

It's no problem. I'm always happy to help