My Fanfiction: A Tale of Two Fizzies Trilogy. Part 1. The Fire. Chap 3: Campfire Tales (Critique wanted before posting to Fimfic. G1/Crossover adventure fic - long)

[Octavian 5,421]

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Previously, the ponies of Ponyland had set up camp in a luscious forest clearing found that morning by the pegasi scouts. After a hiccup involving an overstocked fire, the various baby ponies were put to bed and the adults dined. Other than Danny and Gusty, who had accepted responsibility for the aforementioned hiccup and are engaged in washing up as penance, we find the ponies now sated, sitting on log-seats that form a ring round a campfire that blazes merrily.

---

Now that furry stomachs are full, thoughts are beginning to turn to the final activity before bedtime: campfire stories.

“Paradise! Please tell us a story. Last time I had the most wonderful dreams about that place…" a husky, soft-spoken, pale blue, muffin-marked earth pony begins, but she hesitates, blushing. “Um...where was it again?”

“It was Marlot, Sweet Stuff,” Magic Star answers, “and remember the story about poor Tessie. That was wonderful too!” she adds, the quiet mare’s usual delicacy giving way to her enthusiasm.

“Yeah! Paradise, your stories are the best,” Cherries Jubilee says earnestly, rare praise from the boisterous earth pony.

The white pegasus absorbs this praise with an expression of equanimity. “Thanks gals. I would love to. But-” she says with a mysterious wink to Masquerade, “maybe someone else should go first.”

Thus redirected, the attention of the story-hungry ponies turns to others.

“Megan. I did so enjoy the story you told us about that funny mare Bathsheba,” Sundance encourages, snout resting on the aforesaid's lap.

Megan stifles a yawn, tired from the busy day and recent events. “I don’t know if I can right now Sunny,” Megan says. “But I would like to hear one of your tales about the Brighthouse.”

In another part of the log-seat ring an unlikely request is made by the dignified Wind Whistler:

“Ribbon, I do find your stories about Equestria to be quite excellent-" she begins but is cut off by a snigger from Firefly.

“The bed-time story for foals! You, like that? Seriously?” the fiesty pegasus challenges.

The motherly pony, Ribbon, gives the latter a wry smile, as her horn lights up. “Oh yes!” she says in a sugary sweet tone. “Fairy tales are just for little foals, unlike Danny’s ‘She-Mare fights Skeletor’ comic which is for big, strong warriors!”

Firefly blushes as the telepathic abilities of the unicorn reveal her secret. “No fair,” she grumbles.

“Anyway, while I would adore regaling you all with a pony-tale, after the day’s events I just couldn’t do it justice,” Ribbon declines, with an apologetic look to Wind Whistler. “However, Posey was telling me such a delightful tale about her garden on the way here,” she suggests, volunteering the meek fellow foal-sitter beside her.

---

Thanks to the suggestions from Ribbon and Megan, the attention around the fire turns to Sundance and Posey, who – as Paradise continues to be reticent – are soon being entreated on all sides. However, both shy ponies wilt in the heat of their interest.

Sundance is the first to decline, mumbling into Megan’s green, dress-suited lap that she can’t think of a story.

Megan leans over the pile of pink mane on her lap and whispers into a furry, white ear, “Go on, I know you can do it, and we’d all love to hear it!”  

But the bundle merely shakes its head, and Megan feels the frightened filly tremble.

“Oh Sunny," Megan sighs, looking a little crestfallen, an expression shared by Fizzy and a number of other furry faces around the fire, but she doesn’t press the issue.  

As Posey continues to hesitate, Megan offers another suggestion to shift the attention of the group away from the trembling pony in her lap.

“How about the first pony with a story to tell goes first?”  

Practically before Megan can complete her sentence, a pink pegasus with a three-tone blue, green/red mane excitedly raises her hoof: “Me! Me! Mememe! I have one! Yes, I do. I do! Got a story right here. Thought of it during dinner. You’ll all really enjoy it. It’s for all ages! All genres. Yup!”

The excitement of the proposer is not matched by her companions; though the tolerant nature of the herd naturally inclines towards being supportive, there are a few groans, notably among the boisterous ponies and the scouts.

“Are you sure, Whizzer?” Galaxy asks doubtfully, trying as gently as possible to dissuade the pegasus.

Not be put off, the aforementioned simply nods furiously in response, leaping to her hooves and eager to begin. Megan shares a worried look with Galaxy but eventually assents.

“Thank you-” she begins to say, but the rest of her sentence is drowned out as the pony storms into her tale.

---

Whizzer starts well enough, setting out ideas that had come to her while they were engaged in putting out the fire earlier. The ponies assembled on the log-seats perk up their fuzzy ears to catch the words spilling from the mouth of the eager pegasus.

It soon becomes apparent, however, that the ambition of the tale is grander than any mere campfire yarn as the filly hurries the herd at break-neck speed through a cast of no less than twenty characters. She is at pains to point out that certain of these, not all of whom are named directly, or consistently, are not ponies. She describes two as ‘Zardichars’ who breathe fire and have scaly wings, while another cluster are ‘Squirt-Eels’ and yet are also somehow ‘Tortoise-Blasters’ who breathe water and have hard shells. To this core cast are added cameo appearances of many more characters, some of whom are ponies, while others are creatures with mystical powers - from storm-wielding ‘Chu-Chu Picks’ to wind-blasting ‘Sparrow Spikes’.

After this introduction, which she manages to cram in in just a couple of minutes, Whizzer embarks on a plot which mixes elements of high fantasy, detective story, drama, fairy-tale and romance. Each of the themes is associated with a different villain – five in all. 

As the third sub-plot of the second alternative ending is embarked on in as many minutes, a hum of confused questions breaks out:

“Is Rapunzel the rabbit or is that Roger?” Fizzy wonders aloud.

“So... did they defeat the dragon with the horn of the basilisk, or the basilisk with the dragon’s horn?” North Star ponders.

“Did Hamlet kill Rosencanter and Guilded-Hooves, or was it MacBess?” Medley muses.

“Was it that Juliet poisoned herself because she found Poneo with Marecutio?” asks a pink Pegasus called Hearththrob, who is dressed in heart-pajamas and whose fluffy, white-slippered hoof is raised as she tries to get Whizzer’s attention.

As the confused murmurs increase in volume, the storyteller, becoming agitated, raises her voice and speeds up still more. This process leads cyclically to louder murmurs, until Whizzer can barely be heard above the din.

Eventually Surprise, one of the few ponies to keep up with Whizzer’s story, but who had become visibly more and more confused the longer it went on, leaps to her hooves.

“Make it stop! Won’t someone please make it stop!” she yells, before raising a hoof to her brow and comically flopping backwards over her log-seat and landing in a feathery heap away from the fire.

As she does so, the other sillier ponies, Applejack, Fizzy and Sundance, burst into fits of laughter, to be joined in due course by the white Pegasus herself from the floor. Soon, general laughter breaks out around the campfire until even Megan and the more responsible ponies are struggling to keep a straight face.

Wind Whistler, however, ever a paragon of self-control and sensitive to the crestfallen expression on Whizzer’s glistening blue-chromatic, gem-eyed face, rises sternly, her expression hushing the tittering ponies.

“This is most uncouth. Surprise! Apologise to Whizzer.”

Surprise rises, still giggling a little, and approaches Whizzer contritely, stuffing her mouth with her wing-feathers to avoid further outbursts that might offend the speedster. Once she is close, with a hiccupping guffaw, she skips forward to the loquacious pink pegasus and cuddles her affectionately.

“Say thank you, everyone, for the story. It was a … wonderful effort,” Wind Whistler states after a moment’s hesitation, mindful of her fellow flier’s feelings.

“Thank you, Whizzer,” the crowd chorus politely.

“Mmmf!” Whizzer tries to say that she isn’t finished, but her mouth is suddenly full of Surprise’s blond mane as the smaller pegasus’ poufy curl pushes into her face.

Whizzer gently pushes the huggy little pegasus away to continue her story, however, as she does so, she feels a strange pulling at the base of her four-tone red, dark-green, light/dark-blue tail. Too late does Whizzer realise that the mischievous pony has turned the hug into a game of ‘steal the tail ribbon’.

“Hey!” Whizzer squeaks, as she feels her ribbon come away.

“Catch me, if you can!?” the silly white pegasus challenges in a sing-song voice, leaping into the air giggling, waggling the scrap of white fabric in her hoof.

With a grin, Whizzer, always up for an aerial chase, streaks into the darkness and is soon abreast of her much slower opponent. However, just as she is about to seize the purloined ribbon, the slippery, agile, pickpocket whisks it away. As her manic speed causes Whizzer to overshoot, the chase continues, with Surprise’s tail wriggling, eel-like, away in the smoky night air, the latter’s own red ribbon fluttering enticingly atop her receding withers.

The ponies below shake their heads in amusement as the two pegasi disappear into the night.

“But what did Kash Etchem do next?” wonders Twilight, gazing up at them, wanting to see the tale to its end.

The sentiment of the curious unicorn is not, however, shared by many round the fire, where the consensus of relieved raised ears suggests a general contentment that the chaotic story be left unfinished.

---

In the lull, Ribbon nudges Posey, who starts nervously. The ears and eyes of the ponies, glowing brightly against the darkness of the post-dusk clearing, turn towards the yellow earth pony.

“Um, if you’re sure she’s finished,” Posey says tremulously, looking down at her hooves.

The audience, unintentionally invited to do so by the latter's reticence, grow restive. A few ponies yawn from the day’s exertions, and the less sensitive ponies among them, notably Cherries Jubilee and Paradise, begin to grumble about the delay.

Firefly, less than thrilled by the suggestion that Posey deliver a tale, whispers something in Medley’s ear, prompting the other to roll her eyes. Both of them steal sly glances at the unfortunate earth pony, causing the latter to shrink down further onto her log-seat where she cowers in a state of involuntary percipience, struggling to collect her thoughts.

“I, I…” she stutters helplessly, a tightness in her chest causing the words to sound at a pathetic high pitch.

Unable to bear the attentions of the ponies before her, Posey looks away from the circle into the blackness of the forest around her. As she does so, the scene before her seems to dissolve, replaced by an image of her garden bower at sunrise. Her ears fill with the gentle sound of the trees and her nostrils flare as they seem to take in the heavy scent of morning dew.

Ribbon, who had conjured the image with her unicorn power of telepathy, sounds her voice in Posey's mind, ‘Deep breaths now.’

Posey steadies herself, releasing her constricted chest.

The muttering ceases as Posey decisively clears her throat, forgetting the audience before her as she commits to the images of her plants, which form the basis of her tale. The ponies lean in as the soft-spoken, pink maned pony begins to weave her story.

“My tale begins with a group of gentlefolk, who live in a forest clearing much like this one.” Posey gestures to the rustling, dim shapes of the creaking trees around them. “Now this group was led by the proud Rose family, supported by the sister families of hefty Heather and bountiful Berry...”

Posey, gaining confidence as the long-dwelled upon characters of her plants rise in her mind’s eye, goes on to explain that this happy collective was threatened by crooked families of brutes: the nasty Nettles, brash Buttercups and back-sliding Brambles.

As the shy pony gets into her stride, she rises from her crouched position to stand boldly on her log-seat.

“Birch is known for his beauty,” she says, directing the gazes of the ponies to the delicate white of the distinctive tree-trunks, just visible in the moonlight. “While Ash is known for his gentle strength,” she points towards a cluster of the respective trees, but their identity is lost in the dim arboreal purlieu.

“Um, Night Light, please could you use your unicorn power to-” she stops as the respective trees have already been lit up by the glowing horn of a deep-blue star-marked unicorn. “Thank you, dear.” Posey smiles at her friend.

Posey continues to describe how Birch and Ash try to help Rose’s family, while ferocious Fir and cruel Cypress, the trees of which are illuminated in turn, support Nettles’ brood. At the climax of Posey’s tale, Master Nettle takes Madame Rose hostage and demands that she and the leaders of the Heather and Berry families leave the clearing.

In a voice heavy with real emotion Posey relates how Mrs Heather, desperate to free Madame Rose, approaches an evil witch who gives her a poison to use against the Nettle family.

“Mrs Heather gingerly holds the poison bottle in her strong hooves,” Posey grimaces as she thinks back to the many invasions staged against her innocent vegetables by this particular garden bully. "Its evil scent sickens her, and she almost throws the corrupt brew away, but thoughts of Madame Rose trapped and unable to bud-" Posey hesitates, “I mean, um, unable to breath-" she corrects herself, "-drive her to approach Nettle’s estate, which borders her own.”

Posey explains that Nettle estate was choked with his numerous brood, who peek out at the dignified Mrs Heather from the chaos of polluted soils and broken glass which they chose to live in. In the midst of this baleful scene is Madame Rose, tied up next to the ugly gargoyles of Nettle Manor, but Master Nettle himself is nowhere to be seen.

There is a hush from the audience round the fire, who are mostly engaged with Posey’s tale.

“Beautiful Madame Rose sees what straits Mrs Heather has been driven to.” The earth pony's voice is shaking not with anxiety for herself, as before, but for her characters – and by extension the plants of her own garden, for this was a tough decision she had recently had to make when weeding. 

“Even though she was captive and might die, Madame Rose held up her head, brilliant red mane blazing, and said-" Posey clears her throat, ‘No!’” Her feathery voice attempts to imitate a regal tone befitting, in her view, her garden's 'queen'.

Posey explains that Madame Rose would prefer to remain in Master Nettles’ grip than see Mrs Heather harm another on her behalf. Mrs Heather is conflicted and hesitates and just at that moment, Master Nettle, who had been informed by his spies of Mrs Heather’s incursion, clatters into Nettle Manor in his carriage! With his wiry strength he seizes the poison from Mrs Heather.

“With a sly grin he gloats over Mrs Heather.” Posey coughs as she tries to do a low, monster-like voice. “Grr, I am evil and I will hurt your family. Grr!” she says.

The poor monster impression causes a few winces, and Medley gives a sarcastic snort in response to a whisper from Firefly.

Posey, though, is too wrapped up in the story to notice that her impression has not been entirely well received and she pushes on to describe that Master Nettle drives immediately round to Mrs Heather’s house and upends the poison upon it. Posey blinks back tears as she describes that almost immediately Mrs Heather’s bountiful family begins to wither, growing thin and pale. Over the next days it seems like all of the Heather clan would pass away, but somehow, they did not.

“Everyone expected Master Nettle to finish Heather off and throw all the good families out of the clearing,” Posey says seriously. “But he had not been careful with the weed-killer-" she checks herself, “-poison I mean, and you see-" she continues, “-you must always be careful where the water is draining, if you have to resort to such brutish methods.”

She looks up expectantly. The ponies look back at her, a little confused by the turn – momentarily uncertain whether they were hearing a lecture on gardening or a campfire story.

“So… what happened to Master Nettle?” Twilight prompts, her curious light-pink face gazing earnestly up at Posey. 

“Oh yes, sorry, I was back in my garden there! Well, under Heather’s home the soil was all sandy, because that’s where Heathers like to make their homes. And all this time the vial of cursed poison had been passing through the sandy soil and into the moist, polluted and overloaded soils of Nettle’s home which surrounded hers!” Posey shakes her head sadly. “Soon, the Nettle family became so sick that they had to relinquish Rose. Not only that, but-” Posey glows with pride, thinking about her own patch of hard-grown, healthy heathers, “-the hardy Heathers were able to overcome the poison and soon they were all just as healthy as ever!”

Posey skips happily on her log-seat, and Magic Star similarly gives a pleased chirrup, a moiety of her glee for the story, but the greater share for her friend’s happiness.

Posey goes on to explain in the denouement that the magnanimous Rose family was not bitter towards Master Nettle and his brood.

“Madame Rose allowed the Nettles, Brambles and Buttercups to live on the edge of the clearing,” the earth pony adds in a measured teacherly voice, giving a judicious nod. “And sometimes Madame Rose even allows her children to play with little Miss Buttercup, even though she is an ally of the Nettles. Buttercups are a lot nicer without brutish Nettles about,” Posey adds. “Provided they are kept in check, or they get everywhere,” she finishes, prompting a friendly whicker of laughter from her friend Ribbon.

“The end,” Posey sighs. “Thank you for listening.”

Posey gives Ribbon a special smile and thinks hard. ‘Thank you!’ she sounds in her mind, conjuring a picture of a bouquet of roses with a white ribbon around them.

Ribbon smiles, puts her hoof to her heart, and nods, her horn sparkling. In the image a blue unicorn appears and gratefully takes the bouquet.

‘You’re very welcome; it was a wonderful story, and they’re beautiful,’ the image says.

The yellow, green-maned pony Magic Star, who had earlier been braiding flowers into Posey’s mane, leads the applause for the captivating garden-based story, which is loudest from the ponies who are usually quietest.

“Oh, Posey! You care about your characters almost as much as you do about the plants in your garden! It was wonderful!” the latter cries.

Wind Whistler, who had been wearing a look of concern during the latter part of the tale begins, “A good story, but I…” she hesitates, “I did not want it to end,” she finishes. 

Despite feeling that Posey's story suffered from more than a few logical inconsistencies, Wind Whistler's pink eyes had discerned at the last moment the subtly shaking heads of both Ribbon and Megan, neither of whom felt that the sensitive earth pony was quite ready to face criticism.

“Thank you, Wind Whistler-” Posey smiles, “-that means a lot!”

Megan and Ribbon both give Wind Whistler a nod of gratitude for her restraint.

---

As the modest clopping-applause dies down, a few ponies – particularly Firefly and Medley, whose enthusiasm for the gentle, garden-based story had been the least – resume their calls for Paradise to tell a story.

Danny and Gusty, who have by now rejoined the circle, after completing their chores, loudly join the calls, relieved to have returned in time for one of the palm-marked pegasus's famous tales. Whizzer, who has returned with Surprise, tail-ribbon back in place, pouts a little at the enthusiasm for Paradise's tale, as opposed to her own, as she settles down on her log-seat.

Paradise nods to Masquerade and both rise, prompting murmurs of interest from the group.

“Ponies, humans, countrymares, lend us your ears,” they begin in unison. The crowd hushes, eyes sparkling, tails tucked in for the show.

---

Now, over the previous weeks, while the other ponies at Paradise Estate were preparing the camping trip, the white pegasus and her golden theatrical companion had been planning their performance. The other ponies had looked on curiously as one-by-one Masquerade had approached them with strange requests. Many a pony had wondered what the Thespian pegasus was up to, but she had just winked her green-gemmed eyes at them and told them to ‘wait and see’. Danny and the others now understood that Masquerade had been dramatising Paradise’s tale and looked to her for their cues.

---

At a sign to Gusty a wind blows and Masquerade flutters her wings to create the impression of a hissing desert zephyr as Paradise narrates the location of her tale in the exotic, fantastical Kingdom of Saddle Arabia.

At a direction to Whizzer an impression of a hubbub of angry, accented ponies is created, as Paradise explains that the ponies of the kingdom have come to petition the king of Saddle Arabia about their troubles, which all concern the destruction wrought by a dragon which they say is due to the activities of a unicorn pony called 'Vista Star'.

Paradise explains that Vista made beautiful sculptures which the dragon coveted. Masquerade holds up a stick Danny had been whittling, which has a rough picture of a horse’s head on it – a few of the ponies clop their hooves in admiration and Danny gives a little bow. Paradise continues, saying that whenever Vista made a new sculpture, the dragon would not only steal Vista’s sculptures, but also ruin the homes of other ponies.

Paradise explains that the ponies are now in the throne room. Whizzer ceases her noise and Medley and Megan join their voices to sing a choral passage. The storyteller describes the fearsome black-coated and bearded king sitting on his majestic throne of glass, as he listens to the petitions with a grim frown on his royal face.

The herd rustle uncomfortably at the description, until Sundance pipes up, "Is the king a pony?"

Paradise, who had paused so the ponies could digest the description, immediately responds affirmatively that he is a unicorn. 

"But he sounds like a monster?" Sundance replies, to nods of agreement from various rainbow-coloured pony-faces around the fire.

"It is common for the Saddle Arabians to be dark as night. But, just like the night, their gemmed-eyes sparkle like stars." Paradise explains, having prepared herself for this question, the coat-colour having been a deliberate choice.

The explanation and description satisfies the crowd, and the reference to the twinkling eyes garners appreciative smiles from Galaxy and Fizzy and the other gem-eyed ponies. 

Megan and Danny, however, exchange a look of bafflement. It is Megan who is first to understand the ponies' confusion.

"They don't have dark coats here! Not like on the farm. So the ponies thought he was a monster!" she shouts across the fire to her brother, whose eyes open wide with apprehension, before joining his sister in chuckling at the misunderstanding.

Once the exclamations and murmurs of disquiet die down, Paradise continues, reminding the audience that the king is frowning down at his subjects who are petitioning him. At this, Masquerade screws up her face – causing giggles from Fizzy and the sillier ponies in the audience.

The latter beckons Danny to come forward. He says in as deep and manly a voice as the boy can manage: “Your King hears you, my subjects, and is moved. The mare known as Vista Star is hereby banished from Saddle Arabia.”

On cue, various sounds of pony approval are mimed around the campfire circle.

Wind Whistler gives a whistle of approval - as quietly as she can manage out of respect for the sleeping foals.

“Hear Hear!” Cherries Jubilee rumbles.

“Woo hoo!” Fizzy chirrups.

The latter mimics a champagne toast by adding a mouth pop with her hoof and fizzing the water in her canteen with her unicorn power so that it bubbles out.

Paradise goes on to describe that while the majority of the crowd are approving, two ponies towards the back of the crowd, one earth pony and one pegasus, are dismayed.

“Poor Vista. You don’t think she meant to, do you, Petal Swirl?” Paradise voices one of the dissenting characters, mimicking Surprise’s high pitch, before turning to Masquerade.

“No, Mousefur. This punishment is quite illogical,” the latter replies in role as the other dissenter, passably mimicking the logical pegasus Wind Whistler’s measured tones, setting off giggles throughout the audience, and even earning a rare smile from the mare herself.

Paradise narrates that Vista and her two friends tried to contest the finding before the king’s most trusted advisors – the Council of Furbobs. Masquerade places fluffy white heart slippers, one on each hoof, and holds them up like puppets, to more giggles.

“Oh, wise Bob,” Paradise begins, in her ‘Mousefur’ voice.

“No,” Masquerade replies in a masculine voice of a pugnacious staccato, flexing a white slipper and pushing it into Paradise’s snout, which the latter wrinkles.

“Let her speak!” Masquerade immediately follows up in another, similar but more feminine voice, flexing her other slipperred hoof so that it clutches at the first ‘puppet’ to draw it back.

“Oh, wise Bobbess,” Paradise turns, maintaining her squeaky ‘Mousefur’ voice through the slipper in her face, while also trying not to smirk at the silliness of the scene and to ignore the ticklishness of the slipper on her nose, “please advise the king not to banish our friend Vista Star!”

“I agree!” replies Masquerade as the ‘Furbob’ slipper that is currently not assaulting Paradise.

“No!” Masquerade bounces her other slippered hoof up and down on Paradise’s red mane, simulating the bob angrily jumping on Mousefur.

“Double yes!” the golden pegasus slips her other hoof up to Paradise’s head as she mimes the genial bob attempting to restrain the angry council-bob.

“Ow!” Paradise squeaks as ‘Mousefur’.

“Triple no!” Masquerade continues and she makes a gnashing sound as her furbob ‘puppet’ clutches Paradise’s furry white ear, simulating it biting Mousefur.

“Quintuple yes!” Masquerade rejoinders, as she simulates dragging the angry bob away.

The scene over, Masquerade returns the slippers to a pink pony with hearts on her flank - the pegasus Heartthrob, to a few stomps of applause from the sillier ponies.

Turning to face her audience, the pegasus continues, using the logical ‘Petal Swirl’ voice: “We are getting nowhere with these council-bobs.” 

“That big one bit me!” ‘Mousefur’ moans and raises a hoof to her ear.

Paradise explains that the two friends leave defeated, complaining about the behaviour of the Bobs. Unable to prevent it, their friend Vista Star is cast out into the desert, with nobody allowed to see her, on pain of joining her fate, for fear that the dragon would punish the kingdom further.

She explains that Mousefur and Petal Swirl were, however, determined to see their friend, in defiance of the cowardly king’s edict. The earth pony and pegasus travelled to Vista’s new home – a distant cave in the shifting wilderness of the desert sands. Gusty resumes the desert sound-effect and a pink earth pony, whose faded pink tail conceals a seated flank of ice-cream cones, adds a soft wolf-howl, as of a distant wolf-pack.

Paradise describes the sad scene as the three friends part company at the end of their visit.

“Oh, Vista Star! We will miss you so,” Paradise exclaims squeakily as Mousefur.

“Mine own dearest Mousey,” Masquerade says in an exaggerated theatrical version of her own voice.

“I too will miss you,” Masquerade replies to herself, switching her accent to the reasonable ‘Petal Swirl’ voice.

Paradise and Masquerade approach each other and hug. Paradise hides her white snout in Masquerade’s luscious two-tone greens while Masquerade noses herself under the former’s cherry mane. Faces thus obscured, they shake to simulate crying. Seeing her cue, the pink heart-flanked pony who had provided the slippers, adds a tearful sound-effect. The plaintiveness of the tender pony’s tears, and the high emotional moment, cause sniffles to break out around the log-seats. Indeed, the moment proves to be too much for a few ponies, including the pony providing the wolf howl, Lickety Split, who falters. Before everyone start crying, Masquerade gestures to Heartthrob and the latter ceases.

---

Paradise, who had been on the verge of tears herself, explains that the three friends part company with hugs and sad goodbyes and that Mousefur and Petal Swirl promise to visit when they can.

Paradise pauses for a moment to allow her emotions to settle, before relating to the rapt ponies that Mousefur and Petal Swirl return to Vista’s home after many weeks have passed to find she has been kidnapped!

“Oh no! What’s this!?” Paradise says in the high pitch used for Mousefur, pointing her golden hoof at the ground near the fire, where she had previously drawn a paw print. “It must be wolves! They have taken her and eaten her all up!”

The revelation brings foalish gasps of ‘oh no’ from Sundance and Fizzy.

“A reasonable deduction, but there is a crucial flaw in your reasoning: there is no sign of a struggle,” Masquearade adds in her ‘Petal Swirl’ accent, replying to ‘Mousefur’.

Paradise continues to explain that the two ponies first track down the wolf pack.

The pink ice-cream marked pony who had previously been providing the wolf-howl sound effect, now yips happily, which draws ‘awws’ from the sillier ponies in the audience. The wolves turn out to be friendly, Paradise confirms, so Mousefur and Petal Swirl engage them.

Masquerade gives another nod to the pink pony, who woofs out: “Smelled dragon ruff! At pony home. Take pony.”

The latter buries her head in her hooves, flattens her ears and adds a keening canine whine to give a scared doggy impression.

Paradise, a better storyteller than actor, rolls her eyes and squeals out her shock in her ‘Mousefur’ voice. “Ohhh… nooo!”

Masquerade avoids the temptation to overact and, leaning into the level-headed nature of her character, simply hangs her head as Petal Swirl reacts to the sad news.

The melancholy is broken by the perky voice of the pink ‘wolf’.

“Help ponies find friend, ruff ruff!” the pony sits upright, faded pink mane falling about her face, and adds tongue-lolling and tail-wagging for good measure.

“Thank you, dear wolf.” Masquerade adds in her sober ‘Petal Swirl’ voice.

“Yes, thank you!” Paradise adds in the squeaky ‘Mousefur’ voice.

Forgetting that Mousefur is meant to be sad, Paradise leans forward and pats the pink snout of the ‘doggy’ pony.

“Good girl, Lickety Split!” she grins, prompting laughs throughout the audience and some stomps of applause for Lickety’s impressive doggy act.

---

Paradise continues the narration, relating that Mousefur and Petal Swirl are led by the friendly pack to the lair of the dragon. She explains that the two friends debate whether to approach allies among the Saddle Arabian ponies for help, but that they decide against, fearful that if their plan to disturb the dragon and save their friend were revealed, the townspeople would stop them. Instead, Paradise describes Mousefur and Petal Swirl sneaking what armour and weapons they can out of Saddle Arabia and traveling back to the dragon cave thus armed to confront the beast. At a signal from Masquerade, Galaxy, Applejack and Cherries Jubilee bang their canteens together to create the sound of the two ponies trotting into the mountain’s depths, with their battle-gear clanking.

Paradise leans forward, snowy, cherry-framed visage and hazel eyes dancing in the flames as she describes the two friends entering the dragon’s lair. The more impressionable ponies in the audience, Fizzy and Sundance among them, already on the edge of their log-seats, hold each other’s hooves and Surprise, next to them, nibbles her wing-feathers anxiously. On the other side of the campfire, Ribbon is petting Posey who has buried her face in her fetlocks. A bold contrast is presented by the reactions elsewhere, where the pink and turquoise forms of Firefly and Medley are drumming their hooves in eager anticipation of the dragony confrontation.

The storyteller describes the closeness of the caves that lead to the lair and the smell of sulfur that hangs in the air as the two friends breathlessly trot onward. Eventually, Paradise explains, the close passage opens out into a glorious, glittering cavern dominated by the dragon’s horde of gold, silver and artistic treasure. Among these treasures they recognise something that makes their hearts leap – sculptures that come from the talented hooves of their captured friend Vista Star! In the momentary pause for effect as Paradise says this, Danny holds up a now half-whittled horse-stick ‘sculpture’ eliciting further admiring murmurs from the audience.

Paradise continues to say that above the horde, sitting on a huge throne of glass, towers a monstrous, red dragon!

The reveal after the build-up draws squeaks of fear from the softer parts of the log-ring, and shrill ‘oh noes!’ from sillier quarters. Other parts of the log-circle emit gruff grunts of disquiet as much at the utility of glass-seating as at the appearance of the dragon.

In another quarter, the monster’s appearance draws an entirely opposite reaction.

‘Awesome!’ exclaims a grinning Firefly, nudging North Star.

This latter doesn’t respond, however, as she is one of the few ponies not wrapped up in the moment and is instead looking quizzically upward, wings shifting restlessly with the ever-present itch to fly.

“Yeah, this is gonna be good,” Medley returns, giving a wry smile at the mute upturned snout of North Star and wing-tapping Firefly over the former's pink-feathered back.

---

Paradise, who had been taking in the various reactions with the humble inner-smile of a proud craftsmare, presses on to describe that at the base of the dragon’s foot-long claws, lies the tiny form of Vista. To relieved sighs, the story-weaver explains, Vista is unharmed, but that her hind-fetlocks are manacled. Paradise explains that as Mousefur and Petal Swirl peer closer, it becomes apparent that the pony has her sculpting tools out and is creating another art-piece for her captor.

“What can we do!?” Paradise stage-whispers in her ‘Mousefur’ voice.

“Well, thinking logically, what are our options?” returns Masquerade, using her ‘Petal Swirl’ voice. Even in the tense moment, the phrase is so reminiscent of Wind Whistler that both Firefly and Medley snort with laughter.

Paradise narrates that the two ponies huddle back into the passageway as they debate their approach. 

“We are not fast or ferocious like our pony pal Fire Feathers,” bemoans Paradise, looking over at Firefly who grins back.

“Nor as strong as my workmate Cherry Beam!” Masquerade adds in her ‘Petal Swirl’ voice, winking at Cherries Jubilee, who flexes a bulging foreleg and smiles.

“Nor as magical as our friend Wand Withers,” Paradise adds sadly, casting a glance at Magic Star, who blushes.

Paradise narrates that after further debate the friends recognise that violence is not the answer as Vista could be hurt in the fray. This conclusion draws approving nods from the majority of violence-averse ponies around the campfire with the notable exception of a grumble of “Boooring,” from Gusty.

The interruption is quickly shushed as Paradise describes how the friends effect the plan of action that Mousfur and Petal Swirl agree upon.

Firstly, she says, Mousefur sneaks up on Vista. Masquerade beckons with her hoof, but strangely no one responds. The audience gaze round in confusion in the awkward silence, and a look of worry plays briefly across Masquerade’s poised features.

"Surprise!"

The ponies’ spin round to look at the sudden source of the shout which proves to be a mint-green, pink-maned earth pony on the opposite part of the fire who is grinning triumphantly down at the now upturned and giggling form of a white pegasus. Normally the perpetrator of astonishment, Surprise's shocked expression demonstrates that the soft-hooved assailant has given her a taste of her own medicine.

“Ya got me Minty! Good one!” she titters from the floor.

The mint-green pony holds up her hooves proudly by way of explanation for her extraordinary sneakiness, displaying the thick, mismatching socks on all four that had muffled her approach.

Paradise, looking a little testily at Minty and Surprise for the improvised additions, explains that Mousefur has sneakily scuttled across the horde, wearing socks, just like Minty did.

“But-” she tsks at the still-giggling pair, “Mousefur and Vista did not say ‘surprise,’ because that would have alerted the dragon.”

“Unlike some ponies who have more socks than sense,” Masquerade adds, rolling her eyes at Minty.

“Also, Vista did not fall about giggling like a silly feather-brains,” Paradise clarifies, waving a hoof at Surprise.

The two ponies are far from cowed by these admonitions, however, as at her first opportunity, Surprise exacts her revenge on the sock-pony with a feathery tickle-assault. With a squeal of laughter, Minty is soon rolling about in the dark on the dry earth behind the log-seats, at the mercy of the pegasus.

The silly ponies, led by Fizzy, join in the giggles, but soon stop as the rest of the audience, led by Megan, ‘shh’ them. The burly earth pony, Cherries Jubilee, gets up heavily and easily separates the two wriggling ponies, ushering them back to opposite sides of the fire, both panting.

---

Masquerade gives the impromptu usher a thankful nod and, with a quiet *ahem*, Paradise resumes the story, reminding the ponies that Mousefur had just approached Vista Star.

“Bobbins and bodkins!” Masquerade stage-whispers in her ‘Vista’ voice. “Do mine orbs discern in the flickering shadow beneath this scaly tyrant, the shape of mine own boon companion, ‘Mousefur’? Oh, how this sight stirs me to bitter joy, for thou hast put thyself in great danger on account of this poor artist.”

Paradise explains that Vista’s manacled hind-hooves prevent her coming any closer to Mousefur, who is cowering between the dragon’s huge, clawed feet.

“Ew, I hope they smell better than mine,” an audible mutter is heard from among the audience, originating from the mint-green, sock-pony from earlier, who has now removed the thick woollies and is engaged in speculatively sniffing them.

Ignoring the interruption, Paradise explains that Mousefur does not approach, fearful of exciting the dragon’s notice. Instead, she gives a whispered greeting from where she is and sets out to her captive unicorn friend the plan agreed with Petal Swirl earlier to remove the dragon threat: that Vista should ask the dragon to leave to acquire sculpting materials. Paradise relates that Vista keeps up a show of continuing to tap away at her sculpture during the scheming – an image of a bust of the very dragon above them – so as to give the appearance that nothing is amiss to her captor.

Paradise explains that Mousefur scuttles back underneath the throne as Vista hails the dragon.

“Oh, majestic Dragon lord!” Masquerade says in her ‘Vista’ voice.

With a nod from Masquerade, Danny replies in a deep, throaty ‘monster’ voice, “Yes, my jewel, how goes the work?” he reads, squinting at a scrap of paper, his script, in the firelight.

“The wonder of thy visage requires gems of such magnificence that this humble subject’s unworthy and pitiful orbs discern none that are suitable among thy mighty horde,” ‘Vista’ replies, flowerily.

At another signal from Masquerade, a blood-curdling roar from a distant part of the fire causes whinnies of fear from the timid ponies in the group, and even the normally unflappable scouts swivel their eyes around in alarm looking for the ‘monster’. Surprise, the inexplicable origin of the roar, coughs, pats her chest and returns an innocent look to the ponies around the fire, who are now all staring at her in bemusement.

Paradise explains that the dragon is angered by the delay.

Danny continues in his 'monster' voice. “My horde contains the greatest treasures for a thousand leagues! If nothing exists that is so magnificent as to compare with the true article-” Danny pauses as Paradise explains that the vain dragon peers into a huge crystal mirror above him. “-then you must make do. And if you refuse to finish, then I will crush you like an ant.”

Paradise narrates that the monster raises up one of its great feet, as if to stomp on Vista, causing Mousefur, who had been hiding behind the dragon’s great legs, to scuttle further away, behind the throne.

“Oh, great Wyrm,” Masquerade continues as ‘Vista’, “I have heard of a wonderful jewel of glowing, golden quartz that lies in the belly of the mountain of the phoenixes. Only these jewels are capable of capturing the radiance of your eyes.”

The ‘dragon’ having finished reading his lines, sits down on his log-seat.

Paradise narrates that the beast ultimately accepts Vista’s proposal, which appeals to his vanity, but that this part of Mousefur and Petal Swirl’s plan meets with a hitch, when rather than leaving himself to acquire the gem, as they had expected, the dragon instead says he will command a servant to do the deed!

Paradise describes that the dragon taps the crystal mirror with a mighty sceptered staff which, with a flash of magic, causes the image of a hooded pony to appear in the glass, face anonymously shrouded and bowed in supplication! This pony, Paradise says, the dragon commands to travel to the mountain of phoenixes and retrieve the jewel of Vista’s description.

Around the log-ring little furry snouts murmur discontentedly as they share the disquiet of the fictitious friends.

“They need backup, but the Saddle Arabian ponies will never help Vista,” muses Galaxy, whose brow is furrowed and is stroking her furry red chin with thought, as her blue-chromatic gemmed eyes glint in the firelight.

Paradise raises her hooves to quieten the murmurs and goes on to explain that the third part of the plan – unshackling Vista – would have to wait. There is nothing that Vista or Mousefur could do, so the latter returns quietly as she can to Petal Swirl once the coast is clear, tail between her legs to explain the problem to Petal Swirl.

At the high emotional moment Paradise declares an interlude.

---

Masquerade and Paradise rise, and the ponies and Megan heartily stomp their applause which goes on for some time with loud bravoes and whistles. 

Megan approaches the actors, her eyes gleaming. “Wonderful story Paradise! I feel so sorry for Vista, and you do such a good job of bringing everything to life Masquerade.”

The two pleased ponies both give her a friendly nuzzle, which – the inquisitive snouts find to their joy – discovers the toffee apples Megan was holding as a reward.

The white and golden-yellow pegasi retire together to their log-seat to munch on the apples, receiving many an appreciative pat as they pass.

 

 

---

whew! longest chapter yet. and even then, I had to cut it in half with the interlude  had loads of fun writing this. @Peace Petal and @flutterJackdashI would love to hear your comments as usual. Anypony else who fancies commenting please do as I love feedback (although Petal and Flutterjack have totally been spoiling me)

@Peace Petal you might recognise some of these characters from a while ago - this is the same Vista and same (Peace) Petal from Reddit. Same (abrony)mousefur too. Shows how long this story has been rattling around that this chap harks back to that.

Edited June 25, 2023 by North Star

[Peace Petal 11]

Ooh, just saw this. I will get to it tomorrow.

[Octavian 5,421]

9 hours ago, Peace Petal said:

Ooh, just saw this. I will get to it tomorrow.

thanks Peace Petal - looking forward to your feedback  

[Peace Petal 11]

¶2: Add a comma between husky and soft-spoken.

¶8: The Brighthouse, eh? Sneaking in a G5 reference as a story?

¶12: I love the scathing sarcasm from gentle Ribbon! Great characterization. Add a comma between big and strong. "big, strong warriors"

¶13: Replace the comma after secret with a period.

¶17: Add a comma between furry and white. Also, I think you can replace the colon with a comma. Lastly, add a comma after it (you can do it, and).

¶19: Add a comma between eager and furry.

¶28: "She is at pains to point out that certain of these characters, not all of whom are named directly, or consistently, are ponies." Is there an error here? Did you mean to say "are not ponies"? Because in the next sentence you go on to describe how some of them are not ponies.

¶34: Who is this pony? You've named all the others.

¶37: Pfft, that was a Pinkie Pie reference, wasn't it?

¶50: Twilight Sparkle? She was just referred to as Twilight in G1. This is confusing.

¶52: Add a comma after Posey. Add a hyphen between post and dusk ("post-dusk").

¶61: Is there a reason for the hyphen between gentle and ponies? I don't think it's necessary.

¶66: I do not remember a G1 pony named Night Light. Is this just a pony you added?

¶67: "'Thank you, petal.' Posey smiles at her friend." I'm confused right now. I thought Night Light was the one who lit up the trees? So who is petal?

¶68: It may be helpful for you to know that leylandii is a sterile hybrid bred specifically by humans for ornamental purposes, and it does not exist in nature. If you want a tree that is more likely to be found in an actual forest instead of just a landscaped garden, you could just say "cypress," which is the group which contains leylandii.

Now, personally, I writhe a little at the characterization of certain plants as good or evil. All plants have their place and only become a problem when they step out of their place and become invasive. However, Posey is not a plant ecologist, like myself; she is a gardener. That means her perspective on plants is not defined by their ecological value but rather their behaviors in cultivation. I've had many a disagreement with people from a gardening background over which plants are desirable or undesirable in a given location. So this seems like a realistic attitude for Posey to have, even if I think it's wrong. And I'll shut up with my plant nerdery now. This isn't actually helpful, is it?

¶76: Add a comma between low and monster-like.

I find it a little odd how you keep breaking the paragraphs when it's just Posey talking. It makes me feel like somepony else has gone and interrupted her, but then it's just Posey again.

¶85: Add a comma after log-seat.

¶90: Change the comma after thinks hard to a period.

¶95-98: I love this bit of characterization for Wind Whistler. She means well, but she sometimes fails to "read the room."

¶99: Add a comma between gentle and garden-based.

¶100: I believe the correct possessive would be "pegasus's," rather than "pegasus'."

¶100: "pouts a little at the enthusiasm for the pair" Wait, I thought the enthusiasm was for Paradise. She's not a pair. She's just one pony.

¶105: Add a comma between angry and accented.

OOoOoOh, I love the link to Mozart music. Actually, this whole scene, with Paradise and Masquerade doing an interactive performance, is just brilliant. They really planned this out.

¶108: "is outlaw" doesn't quite make sense. I would say "is outlawed" or "is an outlaw."

¶114: Replace "goes on to describes" with "goes on to describe."

¶116: Oh, you made Wind Whistler smile! Now you have truly achieved greatness, Masquerade.

¶117: Add a comma after slippers and after hoof ("slippers, one on each hoof, and").

Hang on, at first "my" character is named Petal Swirl. And then later their name is Petals. Is the "s" deliberate? Like if you're not saying their full name, then the nickname includes an "s." Or was this just an error?

Oh, the pink one was Heartthrob. It was odd how long you went without mentioning her name, though.

¶142: Add a comma after deduction.

¶155: I'm surprised they're even considering going to the Saddle Arabian ponies, considering that anypony who visited Vista was also subject to banishment.

¶156: "Ribbon is petting Posey and Magic Star who have buried their faces in their fetlocks." I'm not so sure about this characterization for Magic Star. She is a gentler pony, to be sure, but she is also a strong leader with an even head, as depicted in the 1986 movie. I know it's not really my job to coach you on characterization of ponies who only showed up for a few minutes of screen time, but this is my image of Magic Star.

¶157: Add a comma between glorious and glittering. Also replace "dragons'" with "dragon's" (move apostrophe to before the "s").

¶158: Add a comma between monstrous and red.

¶164: "Paradise explains that as Mousefur and Vista peer closer" I believe you meant to say Petals there, not Vista.

¶172: I believe the word you are looking for is "affect," not "effect."

WHOA Minty is here now. All bets are off.

¶181: Replace the period after feather-brains with a comma.

¶192: Replace the comma after voice with a period.

It strikes me as odd that they would credit the cast during an interlude. That's not normally how interludes work. They're acting like the show is over. Could this be a vestige of an older draft, perhaps?

Overall, this was a good chapter. Masquerade and Paradise's performance was quite impressive. I'm sure some of the more impatient, G4-only bronies would be wondering about now when the story of this fanfic is really going to pick up--we're three hours in and all we've done is camped. Although I'm certainly enjoying myself.

After seeing Minty appear, it would seem to me that you're pretty liberally including elements from other generations (whereas previously I thought you were only using them as stories like the "Brighthouse" and other references). So now I'm guessing that Night Light was Twilight's father from G4.

There were still grammar mistakes to clear. The chapter was so long and so engaging that I got quite absorbed in the story and I'll admit that I wasn't proofreading as closely as possible, so there's probably some mistakes that I missed. It seems the main trouble right now is commas. A list of adjectives should be separated by commas (for example, "Princess Pipp Petals is a pretty, pinky, pudgy, pegasus pony." If you have two complete ideas separated by an "and," "or," or "but," there should be a comma separating them. Those are the most common problems. There were also occasionally problems with the punctuation on dialogue tags.

Anyway, overall it was quite enjoyable. The grammar mistakes weren't bad enough or common enough to prevent me from enjoying the story. In fact, quite the opposite. The story was so enjoyable that it distracted me from paying close attention to the grammar.

[Octavian 5,421]

thanks @Peace Petal  high praise indeed if the story is distracting from the grammar unlike in my first chap where it was the other way round - I will look out for the commas dividing separate ideas - often descriptive terms as I go through (in addition to the ones you have raised)

definitely have to rejig a few things. Wanna take everything in now, but will have to go through these tomorrow as is late here

love that you were enjoying the garden bits with Posey  she does allow Nettle to live at the edge of the clearing at the end of the tale - a nod to the ecology perhaps

glad you liked Masquerade planning things out  this aspect of the chapter was its original premise that everything was written around (you actually gave me the idea of making Paradise the storyteller and Masquerade the stage-master in your comments on the previous chapter discussing my characterizing of the palmy pegasus - originally I just had Masquerade doing everything, which worked far less well - so thanks for that!)

Night Light is a G1 toy, I included her for her unicorn power only

thought Twilight Sparkle sounded wrong!

Minty being included is a lil crazy - the cameo appearances bring in ponies from elsewhere as needed and I am a fan of that silly pony (who is also an OG G1 toy pony)

magic star's personality is a good point - I might shift that then and make that Sundance as we already have a few shy ponies.

the cast call at an interlude is wrong, true - will prolly shift this to the end of the next chap then.

good point about the G4 ponies - I'm going to have to add in a direction to them to skip to the chapter after next if they want a bit of action as that's when 'the Fire' really gets going and we get our villain. The next part of the trilogy, though, is what is really designed for FiM-lovers - the story will shift up a gear in terms of action and dark themes, but that is a few chaps off and I will publish the first part on FiM first as a separate story to that.     

[Peace Petal 11]

I'm so glad you decided to add Paradise to this chapter! Her role is great, and she added a lot to the chapter.

Oh, yeah, I forgot that both Minty and Night Light are G1 toys.

[Octavian 5,421]

10 hours ago, Peace Petal said:

¶2: Add a comma between husky and soft-spoken. ~ done

¶8: The Brighthouse, eh? Sneaking in a G5 reference as a story? ~  yup, the accident of Sundance sounding a bit like Sunny made me want to sneak that in

¶12: I love the scathing sarcasm from gentle Ribbon! Great characterization. Add a comma between big and strong. "big, strong warriors" ~ thanks  and yup, alongside Megan, Ribbon is the character that has surprised me most during writing - I love that momma ribbon has an edge when she needs to. Also added comma  

¶13: Replace the comma after secret with a period. ~ done (I think I'm getting a bit better with dialogue but missed that one)

¶17: Add a comma between furry and white. Also, I think you can replace the colon with a comma. Lastly, add a comma after it (you can do it, and). ~ done all

¶19: Add a comma between eager and furry. ~ done

¶28: "She is at pains to point out that certain of these characters, not all of whom are named directly, or consistently, are ponies." Is there an error here? Did you mean to say "are not ponies"? Because in the next sentence you go on to describe how some of them are not ponies. ~ done and yes - got confused with the preceding paraphrased negative 

¶34: Who is this pony? You've named all the others. ~ added the name, no need for me to keep holding names back as I did in the intro when the others are named.

¶37: Pfft, that was a Pinkie Pie reference, wasn't it? ~  yes!  got to get my girl into this

¶50: Twilight Sparkle? She was just referred to as Twilight in G1. This is confusing. ~ done, knew this sounded wrong

¶52: Add a comma after Posey. Add a hyphen between post and dusk ("post-dusk"). ~ done

¶61: Is there a reason for the hyphen between gentle and ponies? I don't think it's necessary. ~ done and changed to gentlefolk to avoid ponying it. trying to make a divide between the G4/G5 usage and the G1 usage

¶66: I do not remember a G1 pony named Night Light. Is this just a pony you added? ~ Night Light is just the toy, added as a cameo just to have a unicorn power that lights things up - before posting to FimFic I will add a complete list of characters both to help people keep track and for people familiar with either the G1 series to know when the story slightly departs from the series canon   

¶67: "'Thank you, petal.' Posey smiles at her friend." I'm confused right now. I thought Night Light was the one who lit up the trees? So who is petal? ~ petal is a pet name that Posey is using, like 'thank you, dear' - I liked the idea of her using a plant-based endearment but given it's so similar to a pony name and there's already so many of them, I have changed it to dear

¶68: It may be helpful for you to know that leylandii is a sterile hybrid bred specifically by humans for ornamental purposes, and it does not exist in nature. If you want a tree that is more likely to be found in an actual forest instead of just a landscaped garden, you could just say "cypress," which is the group which contains leylandii. ~ ooh, interesting. Didn't know that! Have changed it - 'cruel Cypres' sounds meaner too

Now, personally, I writhe a little at the characterization of certain plants as good or evil. All plants have their place and only become a problem when they step out of their place and become invasive. However, Posey is not a plant ecologist, like myself; she is a gardener. That means her perspective on plants is not defined by their ecological value but rather their behaviors in cultivation. I've had many a disagreement with people from a gardening background over which plants are desirable or undesirable in a given location. So this seems like a realistic attitude for Posey to have, even if I think it's wrong. And I'll shut up with my plant nerdery now. This isn't actually helpful, is it? ~  glad Posey is eliciting plant passion here! Maybe she hasn't fully learned her lesson in Fugitive Flowers about judging by appearance - although at least at the end she lets the Buttercups and Roses play together, and even the nettles are allowed to remain in their place

¶76: Add a comma between low and monster-like. ~ done

I find it a little odd how you keep breaking the paragraphs when it's just Posey talking. It makes me feel like somepony else has gone and interrupted her, but then it's just Posey again. ~ wondered about that - have combined the paras  

¶85: Add a comma after log-seat. ~ done

¶90: Change the comma after thinks hard to a period. ~ done

¶95-98: I love this bit of characterization for Wind Whistler. She means well, but she sometimes fails to "read the room." ~ glad you like it  Wind Whistler was one of the ponies who got me into G1 and made me want to write about it

¶99: Add a comma between gentle and garden-based. ~ done

¶100: I believe the correct possessive would be "pegasus's," rather than "pegasus'." ~ done

¶100: "pouts a little at the enthusiasm for the pair" Wait, I thought the enthusiasm was for Paradise. She's not a pair. She's just one pony. ~ done - originally I had them being enthusiastic for both of them but it made more sense for them to focus on Paradise so I changed it, but missed this reference

¶105: Add a comma between angry and accented. ~ done

OOoOoOh, I love the link to Mozart music. Actually, this whole scene, with Paradise and Masquerade doing an interactive performance, is just brilliant. They really planned this out. ~  thanks! really glad you like it - the idea of bringing the characters in to help tell the story was my hook for the whole chap

¶108: "is outlaw" doesn't quite make sense. I would say "is outlawed" or "is an outlaw." ~ done

¶114: Replace "goes on to describes" with "goes on to describe." ~ done

¶116: Oh, you made Wind Whistler smile! Now you have truly achieved greatness, Masquerade. ~ hah yes  (and emphasised the achievement!) 

¶117: Add a comma after slippers and after hoof ("slippers, one on each hoof, and"). ~ done

Hang on, at first "my" character is named Petal Swirl. And then later their name is Petals. Is the "s" deliberate? Like if you're not saying their full name, then the nickname includes an "s." Or was this just an error? ~ it was a nickname with an s at the end but it didn't make much sense for Paradise to narrate a nickname, so I have changed this to Petal Swirl consistently to avoid any confusion

Oh, the pink one was Heartthrob. It was odd how long you went without mentioning her name, though. ~ done - added a reference to her earlier

¶142: Add a comma after deduction. ~ done

¶155: I'm surprised they're even considering going to the Saddle Arabian ponies, considering that anypony who visited Vista was also subject to banishment. ~ yes, that didn't make much sense - have emphasised that they would only go to friends 

¶156: "Ribbon is petting Posey and Magic Star who have buried their faces in their fetlocks." I'm not so sure about this characterization for Magic Star. She is a gentler pony, to be sure, but she is also a strong leader with an even head, as depicted in the 1986 movie. I know it's not really my job to coach you on characterization of ponies who only showed up for a few minutes of screen time, but this is my image of Magic Star. ~ I agree - and we've had two nervy ponies already with Sundance and Posey, so will bear that in mind for Magic Star

¶157: Add a comma between glorious and glittering. Also replace "dragons'" with "dragon's" (move apostrophe to before the "s"). ~ done

¶158: Add a comma between monstrous and red. ~ done

¶164: "Paradise explains that as Mousefur and Vista peer closer" I believe you meant to say Petals there, not Vista. ~ yes, and done

¶172: I believe the word you are looking for is "affect," not "effect." ~ actually, this is the 'bring into effect' style facilitating verb (related to the more common noun) rather than the more common influencing verb 'affect' (here) - it's prolly more common as a legal usage (yup, first text I'm seeing using it correctly on google is a statute but other more common similar usages are also technical texts eg "effect the movement" )

WHOA Minty is here now. All bets are off. ~ hehe, couldn't help but include Minty in this  love that mare. Again, will be important for people familiar with how off-canon this appearance is to stress that this is just a cameo and the default rule is G1 canon as of MLP 'n' Friends + Midnight Castle 

¶181: Replace the period after feather-brains with a comma. ~ done - I've been watching for said tags' after you and @flutterJackdashpointed them out earlier, but this one slipped through

¶192: Replace the comma after voice with a period.  ~ done

It strikes me as odd that they would credit the cast during an interlude. That's not normally how interludes work. They're acting like the show is over. Could this be a vestige of an older draft, perhaps? ~ done, I did wonder about this - it doesn't make sense here and would also work narratively better at the end of the two-parter so have removed it to add to the end of the next chap

Overall, this was a good chapter. Masquerade and Paradise's performance was quite impressive. I'm sure some of the more impatient, G4-only bronies would be wondering about now when the story of this fanfic is really going to pick up--we're three hours in and all we've done is camped. Although I'm certainly enjoying myself. ~ good point - when this goes on Fimfiction I will have to point to where the action begins and direct people who want action/a shorter read to skip to what will be chap 5, which will also start with a longer summary of what has happened so that they can get going right away. Ultimately, the story will get very active, especially in the next part of the trilogy, but that is a long way off now.

After seeing Minty appear, it would seem to me that you're pretty liberally including elements from other generations (whereas previously I thought you were only using them as stories like the "Brighthouse" and other references). So now I'm guessing that Night Light was Twilight's father from G4. ~ there is a default MLP n Friends + Midnight Castle canon but cameos bring in other ponies (I see the MLP n Friends idea as featuring as many ponies as possible around a core cast, and tried to echo that a bit) 

There were still grammar mistakes to clear. The chapter was so long and so engaging that I got quite absorbed in the story and I'll admit that I wasn't proofreading as closely as possible, so there's probably some mistakes that I missed. It seems the main trouble right now is commas. A list of adjectives should be separated by commas (for example, "Princess Pipp Petals is a pretty, pinky, pudgy, pegasus pony." If you have two complete ideas separated by an "and," "or," or "but," there should be a comma separating them. Those are the most common problems. ~ definitely something for me to work on now you point it out it's clear, but I was missing this 

There were also occasionally problems with the punctuation on dialogue tags. ~ still working on these, for sure. After your earlier tips I feel these are better, but I slip up with the complete action phrases with a period vs said tags with a comma occasionally and need to read these closely.

Anyway, overall it was quite enjoyable. The grammar mistakes weren't bad enough or common enough to prevent me from enjoying the story. In fact, quite the opposite. The story was so enjoyable that it distracted me from paying close attention to the grammar. ~ yay  I'm glad you had fun reading it and thanks so much again for the detailed comments! I'm at risk of taking for granted how accurate your suggestions are and how thorough! I really, really appreciate the effort you put in to the feedback!  

 

[Peace Petal 11]

Yeah, I wrote the bit about plants and weeds before I got on to Posey letting the buttercups and nettles stick around. This is a suitably neutral ending for me.