Proofreader Needed

[Modphase 1,271]

I finally finished typing my first ever fan fiction. Finally. FINALLY!!!! Okay. So I was wondering if their was a few kind souls out here that have the time to criticize and/or proofread my story. I have nothing to give, but I assure you your help will go along way, and be very much appreciated. So, here it is:

 

 

 

 

It was a dark and stormy night. Actually it wasn’t, but hey, don’t we all like a little suspense? It was actually a clear, crisp summer night, the breeze blowing through the trees, the smell of barbecues, and the soft glow of the full moon could only paint the picture of an ideal night for being with friends.

The influence of Luna’s moon definitely snagged Rainbow Dash, as she decided to invite Fluttershy over to stay the night. They wouldn’t be bothered, as Dash’s stallionfriend, Soarin, was visiting his family in Cloudsdale.

Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were enjoying a dish of cold noodles, one of Fluttershy’s favorites, whilst sprawling out on the couch, attentively watching a travel channel, captivated by the beauty of faraway places.

Fluttershy was content with her meal and the program, however, Rainbow Dash couldn’t stand this serene behavior, and finally shared her discontent.

“Fluttershy, this ahh, I appreciate your company and all, I really do, but y-you think we can do something a bit more……er….exciting?”

Fluttershy stared at Dash with her large blue eyes, a small smile curled on her face.

“Well, what did you have in mind Rainbow Dash? I’m game to do anything you want to do.”

Rainbow Dash gave her a half-look and scratched her head. “Well, er, Grille was throwing a barbecue party….. he said anypony that wanted to could come, I thought why not we go.”

“Well, um.” Fluttershy’s expression suddenly became nervous, and she hung her head down, staring at her twiddling hooves while letting out a little squeak. “Um……how long, would we stay till?” She asked. I was thinking until 11:00.” Dash chimed in.

Fluttershy cast a quick glance at the clock. 9:00. Two hours at a party? Fluttershy could hardly last five minutes at a social gathering!

“So whattaya think, I haven’t got all night you know.” Said an impatient Dash.

“Well…..um….could we stay….. maybe…….only ten minutes?” Fluttershy barely whispered, her ears cocked back at the prospect of going to a party.

“Ten minutes!? Don’t whimp out on me! It’s gonna be fun!”

“Maybe. But I’ll only go if you promise that there won’t be any loud music, obnoxious ponies, or-“ Just as Fluttershy was about to finish her sentence there was heard a sign of life outside od Dash’s place.

Fluttershy immediately leaped behind the couch, quivering for fear that there was a stranger, but thankful Dash had stopped talking.

The sign of life was a tapping on the door. The loud sound reverberated through the walls of Dash’s abode, making Fluttershy all the more fearful of who was behind the door. “Hold, on, hold on.” Dash yelled to the stranger outside. She unlocked and pulled open the door.

“Oh hi Firebolt!” Dash greeted, not expecting a guest at such an hour. Flutterhy, hearing Dash say the name of the stranger in a friendly tone, was just brave enough to poke her head out a little, just enough to see the stranger’s features.

He was a stallion, and a Pegasus like Rainbow Dash, only a tad larger than her. His body was that of a workpony, although he didn’t seem the type that would work in the fields for hours. His red coat gave off a handsome aura of cheeriness, illuminated in the lamplight. On his face dominated shining goldenrod eyes,that showed confidence and compassion. Below his eyes was an almost marelike muzzle, not big and flat like a stallion, but not rounded and curving upwards like a mare, this was a harmonious blend of both. And above his eyes, a disheveled yet not unkempt cobalt and white mane, with long strands of hair flowing like a fjord down his neck. His tail was the same color and style as his mane. And lastly, his cutie mark, an orange and yellow fireball, pointing diagonally down, and radiating energy.

Fluttershy had never taken much thought into stallions and their appearance, but she was astonished as to how handsome and masculine his features were. Yes, this stallion, was a lady killer.

“So what brings you here at such a late hour?” Asked Rainbow.

“Well, er, I was at a banquet, you see.” Started Firebolt. “I was at a banquet celebrating the 5^th anniversary of some company I don’t even care to remember, I was invited because my parents know the owner of the company, well, it turns out my parents left the banquet early without telling me, and they sort of locked the door to the house and fell asleep, and now I’m locked out.” So I was thinking I could stay the night here.”

Dash thought about this for a moment. Firebolt was known to be a party animal, surely he could liven up the place. But did she really feel comfortable having a stallion other than Soarin stay the night? Then, a box that Firebolt was holding caught her eyes.

“What’s that?” She asked, pointing at the box.

“Oh this?” I mischievous grin formed on Firebolts’ muzzle. “This is a box of vintage lotus leaf wine, very peculiar stuff.”

Another mischievous smile radiated in the room, this time on Dash’s muzzle. “I’ll let you stay the night if you let me have some of that.” She said. “By the way, where did you get your hooves on that?”

“Oh let’s just say there was an auction for it at the banquet, some gentlecolt won it, but didn’t want it, so he gave it to me, too drunk to recocgnize I’m only 18. Firebolt explained as he trotted into the living room. Who’s that?” He said pointing at Fluttershy’s barely visible barely visible ear.

“Oh that’s my wimp friend. Fluttershy, c’mon, get outta there!” Fluttershy gave out a barely audible whimper as she crawled out of her hiding place.

“This is Firebolt”. Said Dash. “He may look really imposing, but he’s actually a really friendly guy.

“Oh hi Fluttershy, nice to meet you, I think I might have seen you once or twice before.” The stallions naturally loud voice made Fluttershy cock her ears back even more.

She stared at the floor, patting her hooves against it, not making any eye contact with the stallion. “I’m, um… Fluttershy…..as Rainbow Dash said…….” “I’m too much of a wimp.” She thought to herself. “He seems like a nice stallion, I shouldn’t be scared”.

Firebolt crossed the living room, and dropped the heavy box on the table in the middle of the kitchen. He took the boxes seal in his mouth and tore it off. Propping the top open, he took all four bottles of wine out of the box, whilst spitting the seal out of his mouth.

“By the way, where’s Soarim?” When Soarin had eventually moved into Ponyville, he and Firebolt became good friends, and nopony knew where he went.

“He’s in Cloudsdale visiting his family.” Answered Dash. “He’s coming back in three more days.”

“Ah, hey… where are your glasses?”

“I’ll get them for you”, replied Dash, flying up to a high cupboard. She opened it and took out three fancy drinking glasses. She set the glasses on the table.

“Uhh, what was the name again? Fluttershy right? Yeah, were you gonna have some too right?” Asked Firebolt, casting her an inquisitive look.

Fluttershy had tried a glass of red wine in the past. She couldn’t lie that it tasted good, but lotus leaf. She had never even heard of it before, but it sounded alien. She might as well try some. “Oh, um…okay… I’ll have a glass please, if that’s…alright.” She was beginning to ease up around Firebolt now.

Firebolt began to pour the clear liquid into each cup, only filling them halfway. When he was done all three ponies sat at the barstools around the table, each pulling their serving of the beverage close to them.

“Alright, is everypony ready?” Firebolt asked, looking at the two mares opposite him. They both nodded their heads. “To Rainnbow Dash, for letting me stay the night.” He said, rasing his glass up high.

“Firebolt, for sharing with us this wine.” Rainbow Dash followed, raising her glass all the same. “

To….animals?” Fluttershy awkwardly mumbled, barely raising her glass. All three ponies clinked their glasses, Firebolt with so much force that he almost knocked Fluttershy’s glass out of her hooves.

The three ponies then proceede to drink. Firebolt downed the whole thing in one sitting, Rainbow Dash in three, and Fluttershy in about twenty, taking only petite sips. All three ponies admitted it was exotic, but none the less delicious. It was hard for the ponies to have more than one glass, except Fluttershy, who knew her fragile body wpuld get drunk very easily. After drinking a couple more glasses, Rainbow said, “Ey Bolt, you wanna ave a drinkin competiton?”

“Oh, you wanna have a drinking competition ey? Well guess what?” He took a half-full bottle and drunk the entire contents on one chug. He looked at Rainbow with a satisfied, smug smile on his muzzle. “You lost already”.

Rainbow glared at him, but quickly turned away and mumbled, “I hate losing.” She then looked back at Firebolt, this time with a smirk on her face, took an unopened bottle, popped the cork, and drank the entire thing. Firebolt and Fluttershy were astonished. Did she just drink the entire thing? “Damn girl, you sure can drink!” Firebolt said, a little worried.

Afterwards, the three ponies commenced socializing. Their discussions would easily switch back and forth between animals and flying tricks (Firebolt is an athlete too). Rainbow Dash, in her drunkenness, occasionally would make rude remarks and dose off. Fluttershy had become much less timid around Firebolt, and started taking a liking to him and his warm, friendly nature.

Around eleven o’clock, the same time Dash would have gotten back from the barbecue hosted by Grille, the euphoric atmosphere had subsided, and was replaced with drowsiness.

“Whew, that was great fun guys, but I gotta go to sleep now, you two can stay up if you want. Where can I sleep Dash?”

‘Oh no Firebolt, sleep in my bed!”

This reply set off an electric spark in Firebolt’s brain. “Y-your bed, b-but, that’s where you sleep!” He nervously said, dumbstruck by what Dash had said.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll sleep down here.” Firebolt started to sweat. The tone of Dash’s voice made it clear that she wasn’t saying this because she was a good houseguest, but I felt as though she was hiding something. “You sleep in your room, Fluttershy can sleep in the guest room, and I’ll be down here”. And with saying that he started at a brisk pace towards the couch.

Immediately Dash lept up and flew in front of him. She began to push him with startling force towards the stairs that led to her bedroom. “She’s drunk”. Firebolt thought. “I better just go with it, or else she may get violent.” So he started towards her room, no longer needing her help. When he entered her bedroom, Rainbow Dash shut the door behind him, before wishing him a good night. “Night”, he replied, a bit disgruntled.

What was that tone in her voice when she said that? It was hard for him to identify. So instead he took a swig of wine from a bottle he had in his hoof. Whoa, how could he not notice that he has that? Anyways, he took a hearty chug.

That was a mistake. For it was that amount that he had just had that made him fall under the influence. He was already on the sobriety borderline, and he had just passed into drunkenness.

 

 

He wearily dragged himself into Rainbow Dash’s soft bed, the sheets were silky and the mattress made of cloud, He couldn’t help but be thankful that he didn’t need to sleep on the couch. But he was still intrigued by Dash’s drunken behavior. But soon his worries were diminished as he lay his head on the plush blue pillow.

About fifteen minutes later, when Firebolt was in a very light sleep, he felt a heavy object weight itself on the bed. He blinked his eyes for a moment, getting a bit of the sleep moisture out of them before looking at what had decided to invade the bed.

His vision was obscured by the dark, although he could just make out the shape of a mare he knew all too well. It was Rainbow Dash!

“Uhhh……..Dashie…..what are you doing……why are you on the bed…….I wanna…..git some sleep.” He said in a barely audible, drowsy voice.

Rainbow giggled. “Hehe, nopony calls me Dashie but Pinkie Pie and Soarin, but to answer your question, I’m here because I love you Firebolt.” She replied, a devilish grin curling on her muzzle.

Firebolt’s pupil’s immediately shrunk to a fourth of their size. Along with that, his face turned a stunning shade of white. Why was Rainbow Dash doing this? He thought, beads of sweat cascading down his forehead. “Is this a joke?” He asked.

Rainbow’s head edged into the beam of moonlight coming in through the open window. Firebolt made eye contact with those beautiful, rich, magenta eyes of hers, glistening in the moonlight. Immediately Firebolt’s white face turned back to its normal red, although if it wasn’t for his red coat then his blush would illuminate the room.

His brain was being manipulated by the alcohol. It was like a dark, ugly storm rolling over a city. In a sleepish, drunken voice he said, “well……what….exactly….do you mean?”

“Ahh, don’t be a silly filly.” Replied Rainbow Dash in a naughty voice. That was it, the sound of her voice. Naughty. Firebolt could recognize it now. But he could not ponder it very long, before Rainbow Dash stared deeply into his liquid gold eyes, hypnotizing him, and catching him completely off guard when she made out with him.

After about fifteen seconds, Rainbow Dash finally took her lips off of Firebolt’s, and said, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Soarin.”

Struck by lightning.

A splash of cold water to the face

A kick in the head.

 

These are the only words that could describe how Firebolt felt. Immediately as if by some magic, his sobriety was resrored, and reality flowed back to him, along with a torrent of new thoughts.

 

Soarin. Rainbow Dash was Soarin’s mare. Firebolt had just made out with Soarin’s marefirend. “Uh…….I, uh……um……” Firebolt’s tongue was glued to his mouth.

“What’s wrong Bolt?”

“Eh……I don’t…I…….I really need to go.” Firebolt managed to blurt out.

 

He toppled out of the bed. He would’ve flown, but he wasn’t able to open his wings in his shock. He could barely manage to walk too, only limp with his jello legs.

“W-wh-where are you goin’ Bolt?” Dash cried. “I-I don’t know, maybe my house/……b-b-but…….I really, rea;lly can’t stay here any longer.” He decided to use more of his strength, and ended up treading at an awkward half-run, the shakiness of his legs making it an arduos task.

“No, n, Bolt stay!” Moaned Dash, getting up from the bed and flying in front of him.

“Please, I really need to go now.” His voice was stern, he didn’t want to stay at her house any longer.

When Firebolt limped through Dash’s bedroom door, Dash violently yanked on his tail, which caused him to blurt out a painful neigh. Rainbow Dash pulled with all her might, but even in his half-paralyzed state, he could easily thwart her efforts. But knowing how serious Dash was, he knew this wasn’t just a game of tug-of-war, he had to make a run for it. Suddenly, as Dash tried her hardest to pull him into her bedroom, Firebolt eased up, offering no resistance at all, and releasing all the tension built up between them.

Firebolt was launched back into Dash’s bedroom. But that was his plan, he was now free from her grip. His landing was enough to wake him up from his paralysis, and pumped with adrenaline; he galloped across the room, leapt over Dash’s dumbfounded, spread-eagled body, entered the threshold separating the bedroom from the hallway, and was able to sprint down the stairs safe and sound.

Or so he thought. Little did he know, Dash was hot on his tracks, and was taken completely by surprise when she tackled him.

Firebolt writhed and squirmed as Dash pinned herself on all fours against his strong body. Dahs loosened herself so that she could molest Firebolts’ face with another forceful kiss. But that was where she went wrong. Firebolt felt the weight of her body loosen up, and as he felt Dash’s hungry lips touch his, he swiftly rolled to the side and lifted himself off the ground.

He didn’t get far though, because in his hurry he tripped on the rug. Dash saw that this was her chance, as Firebolt lay dazed after hitting his head on the floor.

In his blurred dizziness Firebolt could just barely make out Dash’s frantic efforts to pull herself off of the floor. He shook his head a little, which thankfully got the blurriness away.

In the blink of an eye, Rainbow Dash had managed to leap higher than anypony could imagine, and was now honing in on Firebolt with startling speed. In that time, Firebolt had already decided what he was going to do. It was the only way.

“I’m sorry Dashie, but you’ll wake soon.” And with that he tensed up, and right as Rainbow was going to land on him, Firebolt landed a swift uppercut puch to her forehead. Immediately Dahs;s body went limp, but still landed on of Firebolt. He gave a little grunt as her full force pressed against him.

I hope she doesn’t mind that I punched her. Firebolt thought as he pushed Dash’s unconscious heap off of him. Nah, she’ll understand, besides, a tomboy like her wouldn’t care. He shook his hoof off. Damn, Dash’s skull was tough. He got up, and breathed a sigh of relief.

He looked around for Fluttershy. The bathroom door opened, and Fluttershy came out of it, holding an empty bottle of wine. The wine that had caused so many problems. Oh no. It was empty. Fluttershy made eye contact with Firebolt, and started toward him, her face turning red and a naughty smile on her muzzle.

“Uh, please, no, don’t do that please, I really need to go.” Firebolt started. Here we go again. He rushed to the door. But his sobriety was not enough to keep up with Fluttershy’s drunkenness. She barred the door. And there was no other door but that one.

“You’re going to love me!” She screamed as loud as she could. She grabbed Firebolt’s cheeks toward her and made out with him for a good five seconds, Firebolt struggling to breath the entire time.

Firebolt tried to slip past Flutterhys while they made out for the second time, but Firebolt knew that it was futile to get past the door. Anyways, Firebolt couldn’t punch her like he did Rainbow Dash, or even lay a hoof on her, no, that was out of the question. Fluttershy was just so fragile, sweet, and cute, even in her lovelust trance.

He tried everything, skirting around her, going under her, and even hopping over her, until finally he had enough. Closing his eyes, he lept out of the window.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, any takers?

 

By the way, it's not finished yet, I just got stuck at the end.

[Modphase 1,271]

Thanks so much! I would appreciate it if you edited the errors. You can email it to me if you want (I'll pm you).Hey to any mods reading this is it alright if this gets move to the "fan fiction" section, cause I realized I put it in the wrong section.

Edited March 9, 2013 by akita-ken

[Modphase 1,271]

hehe, I'll pm you my email. Thanks again so much for doing this, you're awesome. I'll put you up as the editor of my fanfic. Do you want your name to be "Hylian Madness"?

Edited March 9, 2013 by akita-ken

[Otter 1,942]

hehe, I'll pm you my email. Thanks again so much for doing this, you're awesome. I'll put you up as the editor of my fanfic. Do you want your name to be "Hylian Madness"?

 

Just keep it as "HylianMadness, if you please. (The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.)