My Little Pony: The Chosen One

[SilverNote 124]

Here is the beginning of my Fanfic! It's not done yet, I'm already on the 2nd chapter of my Fanfic, here's 3/4ths of Chapter One!:

 

Silvernote stood in between the other students, as they filed into a straight line. He looked around to find the others chatting to their friends close by. "Why hello, everypony, I welcome you all to the Academy of Elements. Where young ponies of special gifts, are sent here to train, and discover the power that lies within themselves." A gray stallion spoke, as he walked out onto the stage.

 

Silvernote shuffled his forelegs in nervously. He was only sent here because he never had a family. He was sent here only because the ponies back from where he lived, wanted to see him fail at the trails, and mock him, knowing that he'll never be better than any other pony.

 

"I'll introduce myself, you all may call me Erastone. My high staff of the Academy of Elements have chosen you all to pair up as a group of one. Two ponies will be chosen to group up, and work together through the trials that are made here." Erastone announced.

 

Silvernote looked at the ponies around him. He hoped that he would get a partner that was smart, well, atleast smarter than he was. He also hoped that maybe his partner would be a strong pony. He only wished he would get a partner that would be good enough to finish the trails fast. He had heard of them before, most of the trails are like riddles, or impossible puzzles that can only be solved by looking deeper into the problem. He watched as Erastone started saying the names of ponies that were going to be paired, each pair had to walk up onto the stage and shake their hoofs then walk behind into the blinds on the back of the stage.

 

Silvernote heard his name called.

 

"Silvernote and Serenity, you two will be paired up. Please walk onto the stage atleast become aquaintences with eachother." Erastone looked at the audience in front of him, waiting for us to walk up onto the stage.

 

Silvernote slowly walked to the side of the stage, where there was a set of stairs descending up. He climbed the stairs with ease, feeling the eyes of ponies burning into his body. He reached the top and started walking to the center of the stage. He saw his partner, a light brown mare walk onto the stage on the other side. They walked towards eachother until they had both reached the center.

 

"Now, don't be too shy. Shake eachothers hooves to show your partnership for these trails." Erastone said to the both of us.

 

Silvernote reached out to Serenity, their hooves touched and he felt a shot of energy down his foreleg and as it shocked Serenity. She looked at him as if she knew what was happening.

 

"S-sorry, it happens when I'm nervous." Silvernote whispered nervously.

 

"Well then, your quite the powerful one, aren't you?" Serenity whispered back before they both descended to the back of the stage.

 

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A summary of this Fanfic?:

 

This Fanfic is basically about a Young Colt (Not exactly a Colt, maybe basically something we would call a teen?). Well, Silvernote bascially from the end of the passage above, you can probably tell that he has a High Level of "magic" inside of him. The Academy of Elements are for ponies that especially have a special strength in a skill. For example, maybe a Unicorn with an exceptionally high level of magic than other ponies, or a Pegasus, with a high level of speed and skill (Like Rainbowdash), or maybe just an Earth Pony that can lift and push very heavy things not like other ponies could. Maybe a pony with a high level of IQ? But yes, this is a very fun Fanfic as you go along with Silvernote and Serenity through a lot of trails to test their skills, to see if they really do have a special skill that no other pony nearly has! (NO! We're not talking about cutiemarks and special talents! I'm talking about stuff like magic and strength and wisdom!)

 

OKAY, I hope you guys really understand me, because it's kinda hard to explain until my Fanfic is done

 

Anyway, I suggest you guys follow this topic, because I'll add more to the story by editing it and adding more to it! So I suggest following this topic!

[Clarity 3,094]

Quite well done, but, the "magic potential and epic strength stuff" makes your characters sound like Mary Sues, no offense. Characters who have much power and skill, even if they do have personality flaws, just won't flow in people's boats. At least in mine...

Anyway, remember, it's not this:

"Now, don't be too shy. Shake eachothers hooves to show your partnership for these trails." Erastone said to the both of us.

But this:

"Now, don't be too shy. Shake each other's hooves to show your partnership for these trails," Erastone said to the both of us.

 

Always, always put a comma before the action "said", but if the character was doing another action, then you put a period. Doesn't matter for exclamation marks and question marks.

Edited September 27, 2012 by Clarity