The Curious Adventure of Nicholas Cage (part 1)

[The-Master 1,176]

The moon was at half phase and its light glittered off the wet pavement. The rain had eased off and was now just a slight dampness in the air. As always the stars shinned bright in Hollywood in both meanings of the term. After the very successful premier of the latest film “Avatar 3” starring Nicolas Cage, the cast only thought it sensible to celebrate at the Castle Springs hotel. It wasn't too shabby, a pool there and a sauna there, good room service and a nice wine selection. The black limo pulled up in front of the building and the celebrities stepped out, instantly greeted by hordes of photographers. The first to step out was none other than Miranda Cosgrove herself (not famous for her acting just to note), the supporting actress of the film. Her glittering red dress dragged along the carpet that had been laid out for the stars. The next to step out were a bunch of up and coming young actors no body care about. The true hero of this film was about to step out. Putting on his custom shades even though it was 12:30 am was the one and only Nicolas Cage. The paparazzi went frantic, jumping over one another to get a good shot of the actor. Nicolas put on his best fake smile and walked towards the hotel entrance quickly, waving at the mob at either side. Miranda was waiting for him at the door and greeted him with a goofy smile.

 

“Parasites” Nicolas muttered in such a low voice only Miranda was close enough to make it out. She just put an arm around him.

 

“Come on, they don’t matter, who cares? Let’s just have fun tonight.”

 

“Well I sure would like to.” Nicolas replied in his monotone voice used both on and off the cameras. He shrugged off a couple off staff that asked if he would like anything delivered to his room or anyone to help him with his black leather jacket. Nicolas walked through the large dining hall and out into the casino lounge. All the other cast members were enjoying themselves on the flashing pokey machines while old Orlando was trying his luck at Texas Hold’em. Nicolas knew that even an actor like Orlando could not match his poker face. The director, Michael Bay, gave him a firm handshake with both hands on his.

 

“Good work, Cage, good work. Those box offices won’t know what hit ‘em”

 

“It’s money well spent, Michael. Just be sure to throw in a couple more sequels while you’re at it.” They both gave each other looks of ‘I see what you did there’ before Nicolas walked past the director, leaving him standing by himself. He quickly threw off his fake smile and walked over to the overcrowded bar. Miranda had long gone off to talk to some other chicks, he didn't care. He sat up on one of the bar stools and removed his shades, slipping them into his front jacket pocket. The bar tender instantly left his other customers to see that Mr Cage was served.

 

“Anything I can get you?” He asked, trying not to sound too awkward. Cage gave him one of his signature looks that gave him no hint of any emotion.

 

“Scotch on the rocks if you don’t mind.” He said sternly. The bar tender nodded and went to prepare his drink. Cage looked around the bar and saw a bunch of overly intoxicated men with pool cues with drunk women draped around their shoulders. He snared in their direction and nodded as his drink was placed in front of him. The bar tender left him be and went back to the now irritated customers. He threw back his drink and went off to see how Miranda was doing with her ‘friends’.

 

Miranda wrapped herself around his waist and pulled him closer so that all her girlfriend could see.

 

“Aw yeah, so are you two like together?” One of the reasonably skanky looking females said.

 

“No silly, we are just very good pals. Don’t you remember he’s married?” Miranda then suddenly got a surprised reaction from Nicolas.

 

“I am? That’s right.”

 

“So you guys gonna join us tonight?” Miranda giggled at her friend.

 

“Depends what you had in mind.”

 

“Well, it involves dancing, picking up a few guys and probably getting wasted at some point. The order doesn't matter, so long as we are in bed by four if you know what I mean.”

 

“Sounds fun, how about it big guy?” Nicolas snapped back into reality and realized that someone else was talking. He quickly switched to default mode.

 

“Sure, anything you want.” Miranda perked up and tugged him along.

 

“All right, let’s go have fun!” Nicolas barely had time to get a word in.

 

“Have what?”

 

 

Nicolas flopped onto his bed with a resounding thud. He looked blankly up in the ceiling and concentrated on the throbbing headache that seemed to hammer at the inside of his skull. Miranda and him were split up for a few hours but he found her again when he came back to his room. She was busy upchucking something and he thought it best to do the gentlemen like thing and leave her be. She unlocked the bathroom door and waddled out into the bedroom. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and collapsed on top of the stunned Cage. After a slight hiccup, she begun to hum a slight tune and wandered her eyes up to his.

 

“Sooo, you wanna…”

 

“Tired.” Nicolas gave in a slow drone.

 

Miranda gave a pouty look of disappointment and collapsed on the bed next to him. Nicolas did not want to be rude but got up and went into the living room so he did not have to spend the evening with an excuse for a drunken supporting actress. She instantly fell asleep soon after, letting out heavy sounds of an elephant snoring.

Nicolas set himself down on the coach and switched on the wall mounted TV. He flicked through the channels to see if anything related to him was on. After he had come up with no results other than an episode of Police 10/7 he would rather forget, he simply left it on MTV. He stared blankly at the screen for the next thirty or so minutes till he slowly shut his eyes and drifted off into sleep. His head slightly tilted to the left and his arms resting on either side. The TV continued to throw out random sounds and the room fell still.

 

Outside the Castle Springs hotel was a black Toyota Hilux. It was precariously parked on the other side of the street with its two passengers keeping a close eye on a set of audio devices set up in Cage’s room. The man and the women were both dressed in US black combat gear and wore stab proof vests. The blond haired woman was the first to speak.

 

“No signs of movement. He may have gone to sleep now.” She looked over to the African American man on her left. He nodded and signaled to the door.

 

“Alright, now’s the time to move. You know what we need to do, just keep to the mission outline, agent Sarah.” The agent nodded back.

 

“Let’s go then, agent Johnson.”

 

They both exited the car and ran up to the hotel entrance. By now most guests were in their rooms so getting in would not be an issue. They made it past the front desk without a hitch. Once they reached the second floor hallway the two signaled to split up. Agent Sarah would make her way to the security control room and erase the memory from all security cam footage. Agent Johnson would find and deal with the target.

 

Johnson soon reached the fourth floor and located the target room, 126. He pulled out some small devise and pressed it to the lock. In a few seconds a green bulb flashed and the agent opened the door. Johnson saw his target sprawled across the coach. Gripping his gun, he crept behind the sleeping Cage and pulled out a small piece of cloth, pressing it against the actor’s mouth. He struggled for a few second before he was unconscious. Agent Johnson swung him over his shoulder and carried him towards the window. Pulling out a hook from his belt, the agent connected it to the window pane and begun to abseil down the hotel with Nicolas Cage still on his back. After the agent reached the road, he quickly retracted his rope and made his way to the Hilux with target in hand.

He arrived to find agent Sarah waiting for him in the driver’s seat. Johnson placed the unconscious Cage in the back and hopped into the passenger’s seat.

 

“Man, next time I’m driving.” He joked. A mobile phone begun to ring from the glove box and Agent Sarah went to answer it.

 

“Yes. Yes, we have him.” Johnson grew a satisfied smile on his face. “We’ll be there in 10 minutes; the stuff we gave him should have him out for hours though.” With that she hung up. Their mission was complete and their target secured, the two agents drove off into the night.

 

Underneath the Hollywood sign resides a top secret research facility owned by the US government, but funded by China. It is here where they conduct the experiments that the world doesn't necessarily need to know about just yet. When the two agents arrived (via secret elevator) they laid the unconscious Nicolas Cage on a gurney as he was wheeled of too medical where he would undergo their most ambitious test to date.

 

Dr Author Humphreys was responsible for the tests undertaking. He had in 2008 discovered the remains of suspected alien technology after his visit to the London Scientists Union. This technology was potentially revolutionizing, but there was a flaw. It was capable of sending a person across space at extraordinary speeds that a conventional craft could never achieve, but there was also the slight chance it could tear the passenger to shreds. A test subject was needed.

 

“Sir.” One of the Medical staff came up to Dr Humphreys as he went over the final preparations.

 

“Yes, what is it.”

 

“Why Nicolas Cage, I mean, of all people he seems...”

 

“Arrogant, cocky, inconsiderate, a bad representation to all of mankind? Yes, he may be all these things, but rest assured he’s going to a better place.”

 

“We’re gonna kill him?!”

 

“Quite possibly, well, most likely. There is still the chance he’ll end up on some world across the galaxy, but the chances of his survival are minimal.”

 

They strapped Nicolas onto a table in the middle of a large empty room, with the exception of the alien device sitting on one side of the room. Behind their bullet proof glass, the team watched as the first stages of testing begun.

 

The portal was set on its lowest setting to first see if he could survive exposure to the energies being emitted. Over the next few minutes all his vitals seemed to be perfectly healthy (except for the obvious presence of alcohol). They began to increase intensity, a portal forming on one side of the room in front of the device. Raw energy was flung from gaping hole in space, and soon the straps keeping Nicolas on the table were straining from the pressure. They set the dial on 13, its highest possible level. The result was catastrophic. The straps holding down Cage gave way, and he was sucked through the portal. Soon after it erupted, shattering the glass and cracking the very walls. Circuits were fired and readings were off the charts. When the portal had subsided, the scientists peaked from under the controls. The lab was ruined and there was nothing to show from it. Meters had been destroyed before any readings could be taken. To make it all worse their test subject was nowhere to be seen.

 

Nicolas woke with a biting hangover still at his skull. He covered his eyes as he felt the harsh sun beat down on him. It was at this point he realized he was no longer lying down in his hotel room. He was lying in the middle of a dirt road in the middle of what looked like an early Victorian village. He picked himself up and brushed the mud off his leather jacket. He slipped on his shades and tried to grasp the situation at hand. All attempts at this were halted when a strange pink miniature horse bounced up to him. It stood at a third of his height but didn't seem to be scarred of him. Its mane was like cotton candy and tattooed on her flank was an image of balloons. This was very strange right from the get go.

 

“Hi, how are you doing?” The pink horse asked. Nicolas instantly recoiled in surprise, his eyes widening to their fullest.

 

“DAFAQ!!!”

 

I hope you enjoyed one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever written. Before you ask, I was bored.

Edited October 29, 2012 by The-Master

[Cranium Tyranus 216]

I nearly passed this up, but I'm glad I didn't. I laughed so hard at the, "he responded in his monotone voice he uses on and off camera." And the stabs at Bay and Miranda Cossgrove were hilarious! I'm so glad that writing insane plots arn't lost to time just yet, though this tale looks to become more like an epic poem the likes of the Jason and the Argonauts, or the Odyssey.