Need some input

[Genepool 224]

I'm looking for one or two people to give some input on the story i've been writing for a little over a year now.  Have my ideas down and rough drafts for each of the chapters.  After a rather long extended break, I hope to get this think up on FIMFiction so I can submit it and have it be accepted by Equestria Daily. 

 

All appropriate credit will be given to those who have assited me and those who assist me.  Both the prologue and chapter 1 are completed, cemented in stone, etc..., and I need them looked over.  Had a great amount of help from a forum goer here to check the material over for grammar.  Now I need to have it looked over to make sure it sounds right, tells a story, and builds up to chapter two.  Chapter 2 has the rough draft done and i'm on the third to fourth revision to make it sound.  Same goes for Chapter 3, but chapter 4 is in the rought draft stage at 2 revisions. 

 

There will be 4 arcs with 8 chapters between each arc, hopefully.  I will need serious, dedicated help to make this story the best it can be since my dream, right now, is to get this story onto Equestria Daily. 

 

 

Any and all help is greatly appreciated. 

[I Have Left MLP Forums 100]

First things first, can you post the story or put a link to it?

I'd toss in some ideas but I'd like to know what the story is all about and what has happened first.

[CloudFyre 848]

I've been proofreading for quite a few people, and I'm sure I could help - but what is the general premise/topic? Is this an HiE? PoE? Romance story? Other?

[Genepool 224]

Thanks Cloudfyre and Violetlinked.  Any help is truly appreciated since this is a story i've really put 120% effort into, working on it for a year as mentioned.  I'll see if I can password protect the story on FimFic so I can link it without publishing it. 

 

The story is rather challenging for me to write since it deals with an all OC cast of characters, except for one who the main character meets later on.  It's an adventure piece that centers around a unicorn stallion as the protagonist.  Set 200 years after Celestia defeated Nightmare moon, the pony, Steadfast, travels to Canterlot, seeking the royal library to "quell his voracious hunger for knowledge." 

 

The protagonist's main downside is his obsession for knowledge, which he had since childhood.  It basically caused him to ignore all the ponies in his village of Gallopia.  However, when he first begins his travels, Steadfast gains a traveling companion.  All of this happens in the first chapter to get a lot of things out of the way.  Chose to use the first chapter since it felt lengthy to do in a prologue.

 

Diary of the Banished has a travel to Canterlot arc consisting of 8 chapters with 5 of the wanted 8 chapters for the Canterlot arc.  There's about 4 chapters in the arc after Canterlot, and four to five chapters in the arc after that. 

 

Drew from many aspects when writing the stories so I could incorporate philosophical elements to hopefully make the reader think.  Used ideas I saw in Full Metal Alchemist and FMA: Brotherhood such as experimentation on animals, ethics, etc... .  Won't be mature rated since I don't want to devolve the story into a gore fest; however, I do want it to contain adult themes with violence and mention of blood.   

 

The first chapter received a lot of love.  I was lucky enough to get a portion of the prologue looked over by two people on another forum.

 

Below you will find the prologue in its entirety which "hopefully" sets the somber tone to the story. 

 

 

 

…however, the elder sister pressed on through her tears, fighting the monstrous creature that stood before her.  The battle had taken its toll on the princess; her body and mind at their breaking points. 

 

Princess Celestia’s precious little sister, Princess Luna, had been twisted into the destructive pony known as Nightmare Moon.

 

Even with the Elements of Harmony aiding the princess in her struggle, she found it difficult to fight her beloved sister.  The royal pony pleaded with her corrupted sister, again and again, to stop the atrocities being committed against the ponies of Equestria.  Those pleas of mercy fell on deaf ears as the evil mare continued her ruthless rampage. 

 

As her tears shimmered in the light of the moon, Princess Celestia dug deeply into the power of the elements, focusing her magic spell on Nightmare Moon.  She used her last bit of strength to imprison her beloved sister within the moon. 

 

The elder sister slowly descended to the scarred land below, exhausted and broken.  She gazed upon the moon from a small hill, wishing for everything to be a horrible dream.  In her heart, the saddened pony knew her little sister could never return to Equestria.  Princess Luna was entombed within the moon that hung over the skies of the land, forever. 

 

Princess Celestia rested her weary soul on top of that hill, hoping for the strength to endure the trying times ahead. 

 

The landscape changed that night in the eyes of the princess and the ponies of Equestria.  Time moved forward with the nightmare banished, progressing in the face of adversity.  Yet the hands of time did little to sooth the elder sister’s sorrow.  Her heart clung to the sadness it endured that tragic night. Princess Celestia wished with all of her heart that Princess Luna could be restored to her former self.  Those wishes were hopeless; that spell condemning the little princess to an eternal prison.  There was nopony in Equestria for Princess Celestia to call family…

 

*** *** ***

 

            My attempts to continue that story seemed futile as the words dimmed from sight.  Like so many others, those words entranced me as I read them, diligently focused on what they meant.  I looked through my only window to see the sun finally vanish from sight as the clouds culminated in the sky above.  It seemed that even the smallest rays of light from that beautiful full moon couldn’t penetrate the darkness of the clouds.

 

Strangely, I find it rather appropriate to reside within this cold, desolate place once more.

 

The harm that befell those ponies and creatures I met was my doing; however, time and again I found myself amazed at the compassion of those around me.  Many of them seemingly stood beside me, ready to reassure me everything would work out in the end.  Those compassionate emotions only caused me to question myself further.  I could only wonder why.  Why did I pursue knowledge so voraciously?

 

Everypony spoke of the pursuit of knowledge, and how it was acceptable.  But the obsession over knowledge only brings destruction.  The purpose of those words was lost on me, their meaning enshrouded by the dark recesses within my mind.  They were just a gentle breeze against the white hairs of my coat and the silvery hairs of my mane and tail.

 

To this day I do not know what fascinated me about those tomes and their words of enchantment. 

 

“All are born with a desire in their hearts that makes them happy.”

 

I found my happiness to be an unforgiving curse, instead of a gift to cherish.

 

 

 

Hopefully that will give you the best idea I can give about the story without spoiling what happens in it.  Again, thanks for taking a look at this and seeing if it's alright to work on. 

 

 

*edit*

 

Here's a link to the story up on FimFiction for those who want to read it and give some feedback.  I'm looking to see if the story maintains a good flow, capturing the readers attention.  If there's a part that needs to be axed then like a good parent you have to know when something you don't want to do needs to be done. 

 

Diary of the Banished

Edited December 14, 2012 by Genepool