Got a fanfic going on over here

[Bowser 50]

My first fanfic that im going to be actually serious about!

Its a NLR vs SE fanfic.

Seems generic, I know but this story actually has a big twist in it I've only told a select few about the whole thing but i wanna catch your opinion on the first chapter.

It is written as if it was a play, and when im completely done with it I'll probably grab some voice actors and we could voice out this whole play.

 

 

Check the first chapter out here

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/75372/dirdy-moon

The password is Chicken

Edited January 8, 2013 by Bowser

[Standard User 2,127]

I clicked the link, and now it is asking for a password provided by the author...

 

I didn't even know you could lock stories like this on FiMFiction. Anyways, can you either provide the password or unlock the story?

[LightRaider 148]

I'm getting a password request, I didn't even know you could do that. 

You might want to unlock it, or at least post the pass so people can read it.

[Bowser 50]

password is now officially absolutely postivately gone you should now be able to view this story without any problems what so ever. Try  clicking on it again it should not have any more problems.

Soo what did you think of it so far?
Im planning on doing one chapter a day if im not busy at the time
but im sure i could finish this fanfic

[ZStrike37 107]

OK, so, you're writing this as if it were to be a play, correct?  I am curious, have you actually gone and read through a script of a play?  I really hope that didn't sound mean.  But I am referring to the idea that every scene starts out with a block of text detailing the set.  The first scene can have up to an entire page devoted to explaining the time period and mood of the story.

 

We are thrown straight into a conversation with no idea of when this takes place, the time of day, the ponies around, the scenery, nothing.  Try delving a tad into where they are and how they are speaking.  You know how they sound and what they are doing, but the reader does not and needs a helping hoof understanding.  Now, I'm not asking for a huge amount of text, but I do need some kind of idea of the environment for me to get a picture of anything that's going on. 

 

Let me take a piece out.

--

Luna- Don't worry Tia im not lieng to you at all.(Today is the day you get got big sister)

--

 

Perhaps a personal matter, but play or no, I do prefer quotes when characters speak.  And perhaps another personal matter, I prefer italics for thoughts.  However, in plays, it is pretty strange to include a character's thoughts.  That's because in plays, we can see the character's body language and hear the way they talk which clues the audience to their motives.  In writing, though, we can't so being able to know what a character thinks helps with the imagery, at least it does for me.  Also, I find it rather odd that you use "im" and not "I'm" here.  But later with other characters, you use contractions just fine.

 

Also with that line "im not lieing to you at all" is rather... simplistic, I'd say.  Anyone, and I mean, anyone who would say to my face "Don't worry, I'm not lieing to you" would immediately raise my suspician levels to over 9000 even if it was my sister or another person I trusted.  Maybe just have her play it off?  I don't know, but I really do recomend replacing that line with something else.

 

--

Other NLR ponies-(silently) Yea!

--

 

Sorry, but it is rather hard to silently speak.  I think you may be going for more of a "quietly" or "shushed" there.

 

Then you let the reader know that the Lunar Republicans beat up the guards.  I, as the reader, am wondering right now how there was no noise to alert Celestia to foul play being afoot.  And I'm rather curious as to why they also cry out "mooooooooon" for so long.  Also, that part is in caps making me think they are screaming it.  Why does Celetia not hear them?  I understand you want this to be a play, but try and imagine how this would be happening on a stage. 

 

Oh yeah, and then this.

 

--

^Dat Acting.^

--

 

I just don't even know what that is.  I mean, what is it's purpose?  Please understand, I'm not trying to be mean but I cannot understand what you intended with that.  Reading that just threw me for a loop.  I'm not getting what you want me to get.  Maybe it's me, but I'm just not sure.

 

Anyway, I've never tried to write a fic as a play before, nor have I ever had the idea so props for thinking of something unique.  I highly suggest, if you are serious about this, getting a pre-reader to help with grammar.  Flesh out your story, give it some exposition, let the characters talk for a bit while explaining what they are doing and how they are doing it.  Through their banter, give us an idea of what's going on. 

 

I hope that I have been some help. 

[Bowser 50]

thank you for you awesome help for i am rewriteing and reviseing this tommorow I will make sure its top notch and good im preety new at this but i will not use that as an excuse
again thank you
oh and fimfiction will not let me write the fic like i want to write it says that it cant look like some kind of script so i need to re write it there and ill make the script version on google docs.
im sure that would be cool

Edited January 8, 2013 by Bowser