The Picket (Another Poem)

[longgone 873]

UPDATE: Schiesse, posted this in the wrong section -_-

This is my second attempt at a poem, once again it's about the civil war, and once again it has something to do with the battle of Fredericksburg. I tried to stick to the rythm more this time, so hopefully it pays of :3.

 

Let me know what you guys think!

 

The picket stands guard

In the rain and the cold

His face may be young

But his is soul quite old

 

The month was Janu’ry

The year ‘63

But the former’s mem’ries

The man could not flee

 

For it was December

He took part in a fight

Of that bloody slaughter

That was Marye’s Heights

 

Where so many men

Were cut down like grass

From unit to comp’ny

From comp’ny to the last

 

But one blade of grass

Was kin to the guard

That stands in the cold

Who’s left with no pards

 

On that chilly morn

His head upon knee

His brother did leave him

He met eternity

 

So now the guard has

A new en'my to claim

A spirit of darkness

Death is his name

 

“Oh death, why so?

“Why must you be so cruel?”

Take brother from brother?

You play me a fool”

 

“For many a mother

Has just lost her son

While Son from father

And Visa-Versa”

 

But the picket ne’er yields

He guards o’er the dead

Greif stains his face

No words left unsaid

 

Cold shall not bite him

Nor snow nor sleet

Until his brother

He once again meets

Edited January 12, 2013 by HistoricallyInaccurate

[Ferret Girl 2,642]

Okay lets begin...

 

I would like to first add that while i am a poetic nut, i actually am not a fan of poetry based on events and such. My expertise lies in vague scenes of mental and emotional based poems.

 

Though, i cant help but feel honored that you asked me to critique you.

 

 

1) I realize that this is bout a specific event, but i cant help but feel that it feels more like a story than a poem at parts.

 

2)I wont bring up the fact that you rhymed... :3

 

3) the flow is REALLY disruptive... i see that you were going for short lines, but for this poem, i cant help but feel as though you would have been better off having them longer, along with better connecting endings.

 

Really, thats all i have complaint wise. But also keep in mind that these are simply my opinions.

Over all, i would say it was a good read.