DragonHeart

[DragonBane96 5]

So i'm working on a fanfic and i was wondering if anyone would be kind enough to send their thoughts. there will be a portion of it on here but i need to give an explanation.

It's the story of two brothers from another universe who get transported to Equestria after they died in their dimension. Drayga is the older brother and is a paladin and kind of a jokester, he is kind hearted but holds back anything around family in a conversation. The Younger brother is Dragoon and he is...well simply a jackhole. he is odd because he is very introverted but will sometimes show a lighter side of himself. They go through the same storyline as the show (skipping some episodes because they it's more adventurous) and they show each other a brotherly bond not shown near the beginning.

That's as blunt as i could put it so here is the interesting portion i want people to give their thoughts on.

 

After hours of motionlessness, Drayga groggily awoke. He was hung upside down from shackles on a stone wall. He examined the room. It was a poorly lit room made of stone and housed several wooden devices. Unable to identify what they were, he looked to his left and right to see the other six were still asleep, but hung from the wall. He noticed that they were hung right side up though. “Well it’s the wakeup call…” A voice called out. The others awoke and looked around, “What the…”They said. Rarity began to say, “This is not how a lady should be treated…” Before any other pony said anything, a shape appeared in the room. It was a humanoid shape with what appeared as a longcoat made of shadows but had shadows emanating off of its body. The eyes opened on the foreign creature in the center of the room, revealing pure red eyes, filled with malice. “My… the mighty have fallen, haven’t we Drayga?” It asked, it’s voice warped and cruel. He recognized everything about the creature in front of him, “DARK…you’re alive? But how? We banished your being to the eternal rift..” “Ah yes…My imprisonment… Well when you foolishly challenged Aditra without removing the seals, I monitored your soul traveling here as soon as you died…” DARK then grinned maliciously, “Knowing revenge was at hand, I followed your spirit and escaped through your pure heart.” Twilight then piped up, “Where is NightMare Moon?” “Oh that simple ragdoll? I’ll discard of her when I’m done with you seven down here…” Turning to Drayga, “Starting with the holy warrior here…” He moved towards a small roll cart and pulled it up, near Drayga. He shuffled on the tray upon it and then gasped, “Oh-ho…what have we here?” He asked playfully, pulling something from the tray. Rainbow Dash started to thrash about, “What are you going to do with that!” she demanded. He ignored her and turned towards Drayga, holding a knife made of a black material, “Can you guess what this is?” he waved the knife’s bladed edge in front of Drayga’s nose, almost cutting him. Drayga scowled when he recognized the material. DARK laughed, “ah this form is so much fun…You look too cute to be taken for the famous Paladin, whose slain countless abominations and the such…But that’s beside the point. This dagger is made of obsidian, a material that you don’t want in your bloodstream…” He grinned wickedly again and moved forward almost in kicking distance of Drayga, “And to a paladin, it’s deadly to be even barely cut by it…” AppleJack piped in here, “What do ya mean by that?” “Well country girl, if I cut you with this, you’ll be poisoned but will most likely recover… But a light wound has that effect on a Paladin, including one of his rank…”, DARK explained, pointing at Drayga’s upside down body. “A deep cut would kill him after days of agony…” They then saw his intentions and the girls gasped, “You’re planning to kill him?” “As he tried with me, but I can’t be truly killed, only imprisoned…” He then readied the knife and said, “Enjoy the show girls, for this will be you shortly.” Before he moved Drayga asked, “Why am I upside down?” DARK giggled with excitement, “So in your dying breath, you taste your own blood” He then plunged the dagger into Drayga’s gut, causing everypony to scream, some looking away, as DARK wrenched it, twisting the knife, causing Drayga to scream in agony. Dark then got up and laughed to himself, leaving the room. Drayga faded quickly but saw that the others were trying to get the dagger out but Rarity and Twilight’s magic couldn’t touch the dagger. He felt his blood flow down his chest and begin to flow over his face. Before he faded, he saw Rainbow break off her shackles and fly to his body, trying to get him down…