Sombra story outline **SPOILERS**

[Count Sadoc 2]

Please give me feedback and suggestions on anything I should improve or change

remember **SPOILERS**(for this story)

 

 

• Elements of Chaos (betrayal, unhappiness, greed, lies, cruelty, and dark magic) made by the chaotic forces after elements of harmony are discovered, but could not be used because it was too late.

• sombra and (older) brother are unicorns, orphaned at birth because parents could not care for them.

 

• sombra’s father is the (evil) element of betrayal, the brother is the element of dark magic, and sombra is the element of unhappiness

• Older brother grows up and after reading magic books he found on a mis-adventure(where sombra and him get cutie marks) looks for something(elements of chaos) unbenounced to sombra

• sombra becomes a student for Starswirl the Bearded, learning magic

• Sombra decides to visit his true parents only to find his mother gone(dead) and his old father in jail for high treason

• sombra gets angry and looks for a way to free his father, because his father convinced him it was a lie

• Sombra runs into his brother leaving the empire with (#) stange necklaces(some of the elements of chaos)

• sombra’s brother tells him that his father was an element of chaos(betrayal), but sombra gets so angry that he goes back and destroys his father and performs a memory spell on the guards.

• sombra’s brother leaves him but sombra goes back to canterlot to learn more magic, but finds his master is just died.

• sombra them becomes enraged with what has happened so far and begins doing reckless magic spells left and right

• he is then stopped by his brother, who shows him an old book (mentioned before)

• sombra learns of the elements of chaos and him and his brother go to find the final one

• they see discord attack equestria, but they manage to trick him to come down and talk

• discord finally explains that his powerful magic is coming from a crown he has(the element of dark magic)

• sombra’s brother realizes he needs that amulet and reveals a deep magic knowledge and temporarily defeats, and  takes the crown from discord (completing the elements of chaos)

• when he puts the crown on his horn curves inward and slightly glows, his eyes are white pupils and black around his iris

• sombra, stunned by this wants to become like his brother and begs for the amulets and crown

• his brother refused and goes to attack sombra but is not used to the elements and falls(not dead) and the amulets fall in front of sombra who promptly becomes evil, but unlike his brother, he can seemingly wield the elements

• sombra then travels to canterlot and sees princess celestia and luna defeat discord after he laughs he slips through the shadows and wanders equestria with his new power

• on his journey, he destroys small villages and makes many ponies flea, he also finds many spells one of which allows him to make dark crystals

• finally he sets his sights to his home(crystal empire) where he looks upon it with utter hate and disgust.

• he goes to the throne and challenges the ruler who he easily defeats and spreads his ever growing dark magic across the crystal empire.

• his reign lasts for years, but then on a regular day of his rule, he spots his brother one day on the horizon who seems to be flooding with magic and determination

• his brother tries to talk him down but to no eval, sombra claims the elements are his to wield

• as sombra tries to use the elements on his brother, the show no effect

• His brother explains he is immune, but also explains the inner power that they both share (the horns of judgment and purge)  

• his older brother eventually wins after a long battle, but cannot kill his brother

• instead he banishes him to the far north

• Celestia and luna appear and learn of the elements of chaos

• the brother explains what they are and that they must be kept away and guarded

• the brother volunteers to guard them, but also asks for them to put a spell on the holding keep that is far underground

• he also tells the sisters to tell the ponies that they defeated sombra and not him

• before he goes however; he turns into an alicorn (celestia did not do this) but she realizes that if he will not be the king of this empire, he then will be called its count

• COUNT SADOC!!!!

[IceBeerG 55]

sombra’s brother leaves him but sombra goes back to canterlot to learn more magic, but finds his master is just died

 

Star Swirl the bearded didn't just die. He either disappear, and nopony know where he has gone (except maybe very few ponies), or was judged for smthg ( I doubt that, cuz it hard to explain dramatic change from loyal to betrayal, but its possible, and i don't know what exactly you have in plot)

 

• 
  

  sombra becomes a student for Starswirl the Bearded, learning magic

  
  
  
• 
  

  sombra gets angry

  
  
  
• 
  

  sombra gets so angry that he goes back and destroys

  
  
  
• 
  

  sombra them becomes enraged

  
  
  

 

I don't think that Starswirl the bearded will teach someone, who get enraged so easily. He can be surprised, upset, or even confused, but cann't be just inexplicably evil. Especialy after part : 

• 
  

  sombra’s brother tells him that his father was an element of chaos(betrayal), but sombra gets so angry that he goes back and destroys his father and performs a memory spell on the guards

  
  
  

If he was element of unhappyness (or whatever), why is he acting like this? I cann't find reason to kill his father. (according to what you has write above)

 

• 
  

  discord finally explains that his powerful magic is coming from a crown he has(the element of dark magic)

  
  
  

 

By all means its cann't be truth, otherwise Discord couldn't be a challenge for mane 6 (till he has no crown = he has no magic)

 

• 
  
  • 
    

    sombra then travels to canterlot and sees princess celestia and luna defeat discord after he laughs he slips through the shadows and wanders equestria with his new power

    
    
    
  
  

 

WHY??? 

 

"...he also finds many spells"

 

How did he find this knowledge? Did he just waked up some morning and realised : "Oh, cool, know i know some new magic."?

 

"...he looks upon it with utter hate and disgust."

 

Why?

 

• 
  

  His brother explains he is immune, but also explains the inner power that they both share (the horns of judgment and purge)  

  
  
  
• 
  

  his older brother eventually wins after a long battle, but cannot kill his brother

  
  
  
• 
  

  instead he banishes him to the far north

  
  
  

 

Wha? It is... I... *Sigh... Just please not a word about... "horns of judgment and purge"... Why is he immune? What the hay is somespecial about him that he is alone defeat elements of chaos (That by means more powerful then Discord), Why he cann't kill his brother? Why should him? Why didn't he get back elements? Why he banished him far north? Why if they are similar Sombra didn't used a thing - he had studied magic after all and know about it far more then his... well... undeveloped enough through spoilers brother. 

 

*Deep breath 

 

• 
  

  Celestia and luna appear and learn of the elements of chaos

  
  
  
• 
  

  the brother explains what they are and that they must be kept away and guarded

  
  
  
• 
  

  the brother volunteers to guard them, but also asks for them to put a spell on the holding keep that is far underground

  
  
  
• 
  

  he also tells the sisters to tell the ponies that they defeated sombra and not him

  
  
  

 

Why didn't Celestia and Luna banished him too, since he was one who dealed with Discord? Why Princesses, need him to guard them? Why did he ask to put spell on something underground (How did he even know that?), and not make it by himself? He had defeated elements of chaos after all. Why did he decide to tell others, that princesses defeated sombra?

 

• 
  

  before he goes however; he turns into an alicorn (celestia did not do this) but she realizes that if he will not be the king of this empire, he then will be called its count

  
  
  

 

NOOO! Why is he have to be turned in alicorn?? If so, why not before battle? (but by al means HE MUST NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER)

 

---------------------------

 

There can be something really interesting, if you'll work hard on it, but please eradicate last ten points, and try to not overdo.

 

But that is just my thoughts about it. Best regards.

[Count Sadoc 2]

 

sombra’s brother leaves him but sombra goes back to canterlot to learn more magic, but finds his master is just died

 

Star Swirl the bearded didn't just die. He either disappear, and nopony know where he has gone (except maybe very few ponies), or was judged for smthg ( I doubt that, cuz it hard to explain dramatic change from loyal to betrayal, but its possible, and i don't know what exactly you have in plot)

 

• sombra becomes a student for Starswirl the Bearded, learning magic

• sombra gets angry

• sombra gets so angry that he goes back and destroys

• sombra them becomes enraged

 

I don't think that Starswirl the bearded will teach someone, who get enraged so easily. He can be surprised, upset, or even confused, but cann't be just inexplicably evil. Especialy after part : 

• sombra’s brother tells him that his father was an element of chaos(betrayal), but sombra gets so angry that he goes back and destroys his father and performs a memory spell on the guards

If he was element of unhappyness (or whatever), why is he acting like this? I cann't find reason to kill his father. (according to what you has write above)

 

• discord finally explains that his powerful magic is coming from a crown he has(the element of dark magic)

 

By all means its cann't be truth, otherwise Discord couldn't be a challenge for mane 6 (till he has no crown = he has no magic)

 

• • sombra then travels to canterlot and sees princess celestia and luna defeat discord after he laughs he slips through the shadows and wanders equestria with his new power

 

WHY??? 

 

"...he also finds many spells"

 

How did he find this knowledge? Did he just waked up some morning and realised : "Oh, cool, know i know some new magic."?

 

"...he looks upon it with utter hate and disgust."

 

Why?

 

• His brother explains he is immune, but also explains the inner power that they both share (the horns of judgment and purge)  

• his older brother eventually wins after a long battle, but cannot kill his brother

• instead he banishes him to the far north

 

Wha? It is... I... *Sigh... Just please not a word about... "horns of judgment and purge"... Why is he immune? What the hay is somespecial about him that he is alone defeat elements of chaos (That by means more powerful then Discord), Why he cann't kill his brother? Why should him? Why didn't he get back elements? Why he banished him far north? Why if they are similar Sombra didn't used a thing - he had studied magic after all and know about it far more then his... well... undeveloped enough through spoilers brother. 

 

*Deep breath 

 

• Celestia and luna appear and learn of the elements of chaos

• the brother explains what they are and that they must be kept away and guarded

• the brother volunteers to guard them, but also asks for them to put a spell on the holding keep that is far underground

• he also tells the sisters to tell the ponies that they defeated sombra and not him

 

Why didn't Celestia and Luna banished him too, since he was one who dealed with Discord? Why Princesses, need him to guard them? Why did he ask to put spell on something underground (How did he even know that?), and not make it by himself? He had defeated elements of chaos after all. Why did he decide to tell others, that princesses defeated sombra?

 

• before he goes however; he turns into an alicorn (celestia did not do this) but she realizes that if he will not be the king of this empire, he then will be called its count

 

NOOO! Why is he have to be turned in alicorn?? If so, why not before battle? (but by al means HE MUST NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER)

 

---------------------------

 

There can be something really interesting, if you'll work hard on it, but please eradicate last ten points, and try to not overdo.

 

But that is just my thoughts about it. Best regards.

 

Thank you fro the feedback I didn't expect this to be perfect and you have really helped with what I should think about.

On some topics though, like

.his brother is immune, I figured that he would be immune since he was one of the elements of chaos., and the elements cannot destroy themselves (i.e. like twilight sparkle using the e of harmony to destroy the other 5)

.by him becoming an alicorn by other means than celestia, I wanted to try and hint at a "higher power" but I guess it is not necessary.

.the crown does not give discord all his power, but It does give him some though, it is not like his main source, but again, it can be changed

.I want to get an element of him and his brother having a relationship(brotherly) and so it would be like killing your own brother, which he could not do. He also didn't want the world to know that he defeated his brother because he is ashamed of fighting his brother in such a way

I REALLY want the horns thing, it is a special power I wanted them to have. I guess I should explain them though. they are like a special ancient power that the brothers share, there horns become radiant and enlarged and become powerful weapons, but only activate when the brothers are together and chose to activate them (might have to nerf it though ) they don't HAVE to be called the horns of Judgement and Purge though...

.Finally, the brother as you recall leaves with the mysterious book and that book helps him (not saying in what way yet) to elude the vision of Luna and Celestia

 

Everything else though, I agree needs to be changed or improved. THANK YOU