Proofreading new fanfic

[Kowaiser 30]

Hello, everyone. I just got the first chapter of my fanfic going on. If you don't mind, can you give it a proof read to it?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1mk3m1R_RUJUjFmVjE0ZEJVcms/edit?usp=sharing

 

 

Bear in mind that this is the first thing i write ever, so dont cut me any slack. I need the feedback to improve, so whatever you think i need to look on, just tell me.

[Night Shine 769]

Hello there! :3

I'll focus on writing style for now, and tell you what I noticed in a positive or negative way while reading it.

 

-All of the important words in the title should be capitalized.

-"It was pretty late at night, but James was feeling restless. Lights were out on the room" Avoid using "to be" verbs whenever possible (is, are, was, were, be, being etc). While removing these words can be difficult, it usually forces you to write better.

+"the relatively silent ambiance [whoops spelling mistake] of the suburbs found company of a soft, soothing melody coming from the computer." THIS. Do this. I love it. While it is possible to have too much imagery, I'd say that 95% of the time imagery is a problem, it's because people have too little.

-"At some point, James stopped rolling on the bed knowing he could not get any sleep like this." Here's a huuuuge thing to keep in mind while writing: show, don't tell. If you give the readers hints, they can figure out what's going on without you directly telling them. Try describing how James struggles trying to go to sleep then gives up by using imagery and/or other descriptive stuff.

-"“This is stupid” - He muttered" Minor nitpick: the format's off. "This is stupid," he muttered. would be the proper way to format that sentence.

-"This was not the first night...he did not do anything productive" Again with "to be" verbs. Try to show the reader the situation instead of telling it. This is difficult to do, but hey, learning to write really well is difficult.

+"The nerves were consuming him." I can see what you're trying to do here with imagery, and I like it. However, it's phrased a little awkwardly. Better phrased: "His nerves were consuming him." Next, try to remove "to be" verbs and add moar imagery.

-"The room was big...lots of books and practices martial arts" Try to remove "to be" verbs. Also, that last sentence is extremely unnecessary, and it's actually a pretty good example of show-don't-tell: the last line was telling; everything before that was showing.

-"he had to tire himself out if he wanted to sleep that night. He got dressed with training clothes, and walking as silently as possible, he got out of the house. Once he got out" Another helpful thing--try to remove "get" words (get, got, getting, etc) because the word "get" can almost always be replaced with something more specific and/or better.

+"Full moon on the sky made the night a bit brighter than others." Same thing as before with "the nerves were consuming him", except I like this one a bit more. The phrasing "Full moon on the sky" feels like it could be stylistic, which is cool. All the same, this is something I would love to blow up with imagery. For example... "A brilliant white glow shone down from the peak of the sky, washing the ground with milky light far stronger than on prior nights."

 

As far as general advice, I think it can be summed up with a few key points:

-Show, don't tell

-Remove "to be" verbs

-Remove "get" words

-Moar imagery

I will say, though, that you use imagery much better than most writers for whom I have proofread. I especially liked that one sentence at the beginning. Use moar of it!

 

 

I hope you found that helpful. Have a nice night! :3

[Kowaiser 30]

Thanks a lot Night Shine. This reviews will really help me to keep up improving my writing skills.
I will try to re-read this chapter and correct what you told me. I will provide a new link once i finish with that, so i have the different copies of the chapter. I would like to preserve all my writings so i can look back and see how much i improved.

[Kowaiser 30]

Alright I have a new link with the revised version.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1mk3m1R_RUJV0pZTGNJUXEtXzA/edit?usp=sharing

I have corrected several things you told me, but i still have a doubt:

-"“This is stupid” - He muttered" Minor nitpick: the format's off. "This is stupid," he muttered. would be the proper way to format that sentence.

 

is this for thoughts only or is this also for speaking aloud aswell?

[SharpWit 2,711]

Dude I want to read this. You actually know how to write in a way that doesn't make you sounded like an uneducated moron. Keep up the good work and post more

[Night Shine 769]

Alright I have a new link with the revised version.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B1mk3m1R_RUJV0pZTGNJUXEtXzA/edit?usp=sharing

 

I have corrected several things you told me, but i still have a doubt:

 

is this for thoughts only or is this also for speaking aloud aswell?

 

Thoughts leave slightly more room for stylistic changes in format, but here are the usual formats for speaking and talking:

 

"This is stupid," he muttered. (speaking aloud)

This is stupid, he muttered. (thinking)

 

Hopeful that helped to clarify what I was trying to say x3

[Kowaiser 30]

Thanks a lot. I will register tonight to fimfiction.net and fanfiction.net and publish this. I will try tonight to write chapter 2.

[Kowaiser 30]

If i would, may i ask for a bit of advice?
I'm writing chapter 2 of the fanfic, and i wonder, would it be bad if James is not treated as a sole protaginist? Would it be confusing if sometimes the focus of the narrator is centered in characters that are not around james?