Give me feedback please!

[♞RedLotus♞ 360]

I am writing a story about my OC. Could you guys please read this small excerpt from the story and give me your feedback? Criticism is needed! 

 

This is a work in progress! So I shall edit this and make it pretty so it can be published later on this year.

 

Here is the plot: 

 

Ocelot cannot go on the PonyVille express train unless he is granted a citizenship ID card. The only way he can get this card is if he sends ten individual scrolls, all written by different ponies. The scrolls must contain a couple of paragraphs that state positive feedback and opinions about Ocelot. He really needs to be granted access to the train, so its up to him to get ten scrolls as fast as possible.

 

The epilogue: 

 

 At the edge of PonyVille, there was a home that was just a few yards away from the Everfree Forest. The house looked like a mini castle with two small towers, one at the left and another at the right. The entire home was about the size of Fluttershy’s cottage, built with magical wood from the forests outside of the Everfree. It was cool afternoon, the sky was a vibrant orange color, and the surrounding area was decorated with green plants and lush forest trees. Off the distance, Ocelot made his way up the pebbled path that led to his home. He had just come back from a shopping trip to the local market. The pockets of his red hoodie were stuffed with tiny blueberries. As he made is way inside, he was greeted by the head of a timber wolf that hanged in decorative plaque made out of black stone. With a cocky smile on his face, Ocelot looked up at the timber wolves’ head and said, “Hey there buddy, how’s the weather up there?”

 

Today had been a rough day for Ocelot; he had been outside all day doing his weekly errands. As soon as he put the berries in a kitchen bowl, he threw himself into a fluffy beanbag made out of fur. “Let’s see what’s new today,” Ocelot grabbed the newspaper that sat beneath him and took a look at it. “Vinyl scratch nominated as the best DJ for the Pony Music awards?” He blushed for a moment, as she had always been Ocelot’s all time crush. It only took a matter of seconds for him to start having his typical fantasies about meeting the famous pony DJ. After a few short minutes, the day dream began to get slightly inappropriate. Soon enough he would have to snap himself out of it. It was for his own good. “Stop it Ocelot! She is a celebrity… it will never happen.” Ocelot always accepted the fact that Vinyl was too popular for him. There are tons of stallions in the music industry; it was obvious that at least one of them had something going on with her. Despite his good looks and talents, he wasn’t a musician. That would almost make it impossible for him to meet an actual celebrity.

            Vinyl’s body slowly evaporated from Ocelot’s head. The loud knock on the door killed off any last thoughts about her. Ocelot’s first instincts were to pounce at a nearby pillow, just like a lion attacking its prey. “Who the hell would be knocking at my door at this time?” He made a quick run for the door but opened it cautiously. The door squeaked at high pitch sound, slowly revealing the friendly face of a middle aged mare. Her brown mane was professionally tied into a bun with a fancy silk ribbon. “Hello there sir, I am here to discuss the issue about an ID card?” The mare casually fixed the position of two fancy chopsticks that decorated her mane. “Are you serious? I made an appointment two weeks ago; it’s a bit late dontcha think?” Ocelot did not want to sound rude, but he made a valid point. “Oh I’m so sorry sir; our citizenship offices have been extremely busy at the moment.” Despite Ocelot’s scorning, she still kept a neat smile on her face. “Well… I still need my issue to be attained, so I won’t make such a big deal out of it. Why don’t you come in?” Both ponies walked toward the dining room, and sat at the fancy wooden table. The mare couldn’t help to look at the strange, beautiful, and exotic decorations that filled Ocelot’s house. “Let me start this off by saying that I really like your home,” she said, “I haven’t seen these kinds of furniture pieces before.” Ocelot replied, “Well thanks; these are all handmade by friends of mine from the Everfree forest. They use the finest materials only.” The mare had a right to be amazed at the sight of Ocelot’s home. City folk hardly ever get to see art from the Everfree. Ocelot has a taste for using small decorative totems, skulls from different animals, and other pretty works of art. Every artifact was shown off in small glass display cases. His home often felt like a museum, but strangely wasn’t too creepy of tribal; somehow it felt a bit fancy, with a touch of class.

 

“So what’s was the problem you wanted to discuss?” Ocelot slightly raised his voice, “Last month I wanted to go aboard the train for a trip to Manehattan. I had been contacted by a police officer who needed my monster slaying skills in order to get rid of a pest that roamed the city every night.” The mare took notes on a clipboard as Ocelot explained his problem. “I was denied entrance to the train because I did not have a citizenship ID card.” The mare reluctantly looked up at Ocelot, “Well in order for you to get an ID card, you must get the mayor’s approval. However, first you need ten petition scrolls. These scrolls must be written by ten different ponies that are indeed citizens of PonyVille.” With curiosity written in Ocelot’s face, he stood up and asked, “What do they have to write in these scrolls?” “Good question, these ten ponies need to write a couple of paragraphs that give positive feedback about you.”

[Revolver Bobcat 45]

I am writing a story about my OC. Could you guys please read this small excerpt from the story and give me your feedback? Criticism is needed! 

 

This is a work in progress! So I shall edit this and make it pretty so it can be published later on this year.

 

Here is the plot: 

 

Ocelot cannot go on the PonyVille express train unless he is granted a citizenship ID card. The only way he can get this card is if he sends ten individual scrolls, all written by different ponies. The scrolls must contain a couple of paragraphs that state positive feedback and opinions about Ocelot. He really needs to be granted access to the train, so its up to him to get ten scrolls as fast as possible.

 

Good wording and very descriptive, so far i like it, thumbs up to you!

 

No complains from me but a side note, just in case:

 

Your dialoge, although i find it easy to read, it might not be properly spaced, both caracters are speaking in the same space, here let me show you.

 

How it should be:

 

"Good morning" said jon.

 

"Good morning jon" said tom

 

I said "might" becouse i really don't know if this is some kind of rule, but most people write this way and some fics are rejected if you don't write it like that (or at least that's what i heard)

 

Anyway, great writing.

[♞RedLotus♞ 360]

Good wording and very descriptive, so far i like it, thumbs up to you!

 

No complains from me but a side note, just in case:

 

Your dialoge, although i find it easy to read, it might not be properly spaced, both caracters are speaking in the same space, here let me show you.

 

How it should be:

 

"Good morning" said jon.

 

"Good morning jon" said tom

 

I said "might" becouse i really don't know if this is some kind of rule, but most people write this way and some fics are rejected if you don't write it like that (or at least that's what i heard)

 

Anyway, great writing.

Thank you!

 

And yeah, I struggle with the dialogue sometimes because I just don't know how to shape it without it sounding too repetitive.

 

I just don't want it to be like this:

 

"So what are we going to do today," said Mary. "We have to attend the family reunion this afternoon," said Steve. Mary said, "Can we stop for lunch first?"

 

You get what I mean?

Edited February 18, 2014 by ♞RedLotus♞

[Revolver Bobcat 45]

Thank you!

 

And yeah, I struggle with the dialogue sometimes because I just don't know how to shape it without it sounding too repetitive.

 

I just don't want it to be like this:

 

"So what are we going to do today," said Mary. "We have to attend the family reunion this afternoon," said Steve. Mary said, "Can we stop for lunch first?"

 

You get what I mean?

 

Well, if it helps, when 2 people are talking and they are not doing anything in particular you can skip the names (just when there's 2 people talking that is, 3 or more can get confusing)

 

Here:

 

"Good morning" said jon.

 

"Good morning jon" said tom

 

"See you later, alright?"

 

"Sure, see ya"

 

---

 

Also, just to be on the safe side, what i meant was that every caracter must have their own paragraph when talking so it doesn't get confusing to read (though i didn't have that problem here), which may or may not be a rule when writing, you will probably want a second opinion on that