SPOILERS ABOUND, YOU SILLY GOOSE.

So, we come to it at last. The great shitstorm of our time.

My reaction to Equestria Girls has probably mirrored many of yours. There was the initial rumor, and then that concept art, and we were all like "EW, GROSS", and then it was confirmed, and we all exploded from massive amounts of frustration and disappointment, and then that even uglier concept art circulated, and we exploded twice [sEE WHAT I DID THERE, LAWL], and then the first trailer came out. At that point, we seemed to diverge onto different paths: there were some who were unconvinced that it would end up good, those who would always think the movie was gawd awful no matter what (even the fact that they hadn't even seen it), the few indifferent parties, and then those who actually found some hope.

I was in the latter party. I mean, yeah, some stuff was still stupid. Spike being a dog was absolute anus, and the fact that this was the first FiM movie felt bizarre and unclean.

But the animation was pretty decent looking, and it seemed fun enough. And the second trailer and leaked images only made it look better. Spike would be able to talk, there was that incredibly catchy Ingram song, Sunset Shimmer would end up being an awesome demon queen person, and it looked like the movie was going to have some fun with its ridiculous premise.

I wasn't psyched, but I was optimistic. I mean, either way, it's FiM. Same characters (aka the single best part of the show), but with fingers. This movie deserved a chance, and I was fully willing to give it one.

And so was a lot of other people, apparently, because outside of the people that were obviously dead set on hating EQG, I was hearing fantastic things about it from everybody. "Best movie I've seen this year" was not a rare statement to hear, actually.

This was going to be awesome. More proof that you can make a solid piece of entertainment out of anything if you tried hard enough. At the very least it would be a fun romp that offered something great to those who were willing to watch it for what it was.

This was going to be sweet.

And I watched it...

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...I watched it...

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Okay, look, is it the apocalyptic butt bomb all the neighsayers said it would be upon release? No. For a movie that was obviously mandated by Hasbro in a bid to compete with Monster High, specifically with this premise, I think we could all agree this could have been much, much worst.

But that said, with all things considered, each individual piece of this movie judged both in a vacuum and as whole, and with careful consideration that takes into account the legacy that this movie is tapping into...

...it was meh.

I didn't hate it, but I certainly wouldn't really consider it a movie that was truly successful. In fact, to be frank, if this wasn't a FiM movie, I would probably be a lot harsher. Please don't hurt me. I'm trying to be as nice about this as possible, but I'm sorry, it just doesn't work as well as it could.

I'm having a hard time writing this review, which is odd, because I actually have a lot to say about it. I chalk it up to this being a touchy subject, what with a lot of you here actually really liking it and I don't want to come off as a baseless hater, and I just suck at forming my thoughts into thoughtful scentences unless I'm gushing over something, like I did with the Iron Man 3 review (man, was that review badly written). But I have a duty to inform the public how I felt about this movie, despite the fact that most of you don't really care. It's a charmed life I live.

Okay, most unfair complaint out of the way first: I wanted more ponies in my Pony movie. Yeah, again, I am fully aware that Hasbro was probably all like "make Equestria Girls, with high school, because girls love that shit and Mattel is kicking our collective corporate asses", so DHX had no choice but to make this as good as it could possibly be. But the fact that it remains that this movie exists instead of an awesome one that actually has a basis in FiM. Just imagine what they would have done with 72 minutes and a teensy bit more liberal license to do a darker tone and an epic story they couldn't possibly fit in a 44 minute two-parter.

But I just have to accept that this is what we have, at least for now. But even if I accept that and judge it on its own merits, EQG doesn't work within the realm of its own dumbness. As weird a premise as it is, it's one that you can work with and get some clever or interesting stuff out of. How would the Mane Six react to the various social cliques at the school? Would they take on roles you wouldn't think they would, like Fluttershy is inexplicably popular because of her looks and new age-y interaction with animals and nature or Dash becoming part of the nerdier or lower rung groups (like the 21 Jump Street movie, which is great, by the way)? How would Twilight react to the internet, aka unlimited knowledge about this universe? What if they find the human version of a pony they have issues with in Equestria, like Trixie or whoever, and they learn something interesting about them or see a knew side of their personality, and they go "holy crap, this pony wasn't who we thought they were, maybe we judged them wrong"?

Okay, maybe that's a bit much to fit into 72 minutes, but the point is that you can't say you can't do anything interesting, unexpected, or fun with this premise.

But the movie kills a lot of that early on by making it so that Twilight is the only one going through because of some dimensional stuff. Spike comes through and does his talking dog thing, but nothing really worthwhile comes out of that, so his being a do here is pretty pointless. And in the end, it all comes down "OH LOOK, TWILIGHT IS PICKING UP A THING WITH HER TEETH BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HUMANS, HAHAHAHAHA".

And then there's Sunset Shimmer. Such a fascinating backstory (she was Celestia's former student, was probably being considered for princesshood, went rouge), and she's wasted as the stereotypical high school mean girl villain. That is until the end, when she does the whole demon thing, but it's over so quickly that it felt really pointless and forced. Defeated the exact same way as Nightmare Moon, but this time with less thematic meaning.

And if you thought Trixie's apology was rushed and out of place, this movie was hell bent on out doing that. I get that Twilight is merciful and everything, but the movie seems to think Sunset's problem was that she didn't know how to make friends. This may have been just me, but I thought her problem was that she was a power-hungry jerk who took pleasure in destroying friendships and striking fear into others.

I don't really have anything to really say about the HuMane Six; they're basically the ponies we all know and love, but as homo sapiens and without the three years worth of friendship and development that make them special. However, can I just say that they were straight up idiotic for falling for Sunset's head games. Seriously, you guys didn't actually talk to each other at all after those incidents and realize that you were manipulated by text messages? You just assumed that your friends were suddenly horrible with no explanation at all?

I just really hate the trope where friends are tricked into hating each other by the villain and all it takes is them realizing they were bamboozled and everything is all hunky dory. If you want to introduce drama via a rift between the characters, fine. But if you're going to do that, just freaking do it, and feature an actual resolution where the characters have to actually figure things out and learn something. Having the plot being drawn to a halt because the characters were dumb enough to fall for the villain's tricks, meaning the drama isn't actually there and you're just wasting my time, is annoying and lame.

Unfortunately, this underdeveloped-ness extends to the romantic subplot. Actually, it's not accurate to call it a plot of any sort, because that entails something of substance actually happens. All it is just Twilight and Flash awkwardly talking to each other and running through the most cliché tropes possible. We've got it all: the stuttering, the hands accidentally touching when they reach down to pick up something the girl dropped, the awkwardness do to them being oh so into the other one, and the blushing. Gawd, is there a lot of blushing. I was afraid Twilight was going to pop a blood vessel, because all her dialogue with Flash boils down to blushing.

I've said that I'd support a romance on the show if it was done well. Not like this. There's literally no basis for this at all besides them both being attractive. No shared interests, no bonding, no reason for that initial interest in the other. To be frank, this is probably the worst possible way to handle a love interest in this show. It was cringe-worthy, even. Seriously, I hope this doesn't carry over to FiM.

Then there's a bunch of little, somewhat nitpicky things that add up to a huge wad of "what?". What was the point of that soccer game scene? What's the point of using the "dimensional imbalance" excuse if that never factors into the plot at all? In fact, why was it stated that Flash is Sunset's ex-boyfriend if that doesn't affect anything at all? What was Sunset's long term plan, and why did it take her so long to go back to Equestria to take the Element of Magic? She seemed to be much younger when she first arrived on Earth, roughly the same age as the human CMC, which makes me believe that she was a filly when she left Celestia. What's up with that!?

And the mythology is just so loony here. Where did this magic mirror come from, why doesn't anyone know where it goes, and how hasn't a human accidentally stumbled through it before? Why 30 moons, and how long is a moon anyway? A week? And I thought only the Element bearers could use the Elements. Why does it turn Sunset into a demon with zombie powers, and why does wearing it in another universe matter? Why would that happen in any universe at all?! Can the other elements do that? If so, should we be worried?

As for the music, it's passable. It's mostly really generic and forgettable, to be honest. Such is the case when you have only this to work with. That all said, "Helping Twilight Win the Crown" is pretty great. Catchy as heck.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=DznQg08lMDc

Aw yeah, that's it right there. Man, I hope Hasbro doesn't take down that video, making this really awkward.

That seems like a good time to mention what I actually liked. The best thing the movie had going for it, just like the show, is the characters. Like I said, the whole rift in their friendship thing is balderdash, but when they actually do their thing, it's entertaining and there are some genuinely funny moments here and there. Not all of them are clever, and not as many jokes or gags are used in the movie as I wanted it, but when they were funny, they were funny.

The animation overall is nice. Not as good as when they're ponies (this ends up being really noticeable whenever the equines show up), but still expressive and fun to watch. The designs for the humans aren't really that awful either, for what they are.

There's some individual moments that I enjoyed sprinkled throughout: the CMC reading the comments on their music video, the smear campaign against Twilight, Trixie's amazing cameo, Spike the Dog hitting on Rarity, the unintentional hilarity when the doctored photos were revealed to be altered by hand (I guess Photoshop doesn't exist in this universe), Dancing Derp.

Speaking of which, besides Dash doing the wub face, which felt forced, this wasn't the panda tossing competition everyone made it out to be. We could have all complained if there was something like Lyra wearing pony cosplay. Actually, everyone should shut up, because that would have been bucking awesome.

In conclusion:

I really don't want to sound like a Negative Nancy, but EQG just doesn't hold up, both as the film debut of FiM and as its own movie. It's basically the show minus the a lot of what made it beloved in the first place. Yeah, you still have the characters, but the movie doesn't give them anything interesting to do, so even they can only carry the movie so far. It kept my attention for its duration, but how much that is due to its quality and how much is due to me being a brony is debatable.

Was it awful? No. Is it a harbinger of the show's decline. Probably not. And again, given what DHX had to work with, it could have been worst.

But given the series we're talking about, that's not good enough.

But that's just me.

5/10

P.S. Why is Fluttershy eating a burger?