So, I'm hopefully going to dedicate this blog entry to just explaining some things,maybe you people might understand some things after this, maybe not, thats really up to you I guess.

Warning, I'm probably not going to edit this much, so you guys may have a quick insight of how my brain works with it's steps and such.

So as some of you guys know, I have schizophrenia, and it is one of the hardest things to spell for me. But really, even though I don't act like it much and nor do I bring it up unless I feel the need to inform someone of it, it affects me quite the bit.

I don't usually have episodes, since I'm able to keep up with them, but of course the side effects of keeping my episodes down and just having my mental condition are a pretty big part of how I run my day.

I have trouble pronouncing words, while most of the time I'm pretty good and can do better than some people, when I'm having a bad day, my speech goes down the drain. Simple words take about a minute to say, and very complex words take much longer, and even just my accent and all that attributes to speech just goes blop. And even my writing is affected, I start to miss words and entirely misspell words.

Another thing with it, is my walky talky thing that I do, to stop episodes. Now, you know when you think of people who are nuts, you think of the homeless guy who talks to himself and has arguments and all that while he's walking down the street?

Well, instead of a homeless man, put a kid in a highschool uniform with a hat and shades, and you have me. I do a lot of talking while I walk, and I know that I talk and that talking to yourself/things in your head isn't right, it's the only proper means that I have to stop my episodes. Medication doesn't do much, and since I have so many complications with them and my other meds, I've had to stop taking my meds for my head.

But talking to the things helps, it keeps me calm enough to do my school work, and it keeps me somewhat sane enough to go on the computer and bloody use one.

But my episodes, I haven't had one of those for a little while yet, though I've been feeling one coming on as of late and I've been trying to prevent it the best I can. I don't want to hurt anyone, since in my episodes I can get very violent, and really it just screws me up even further.

And you know what? Because of what I have, I actually feel like less of a person, I don't like to partake in things where I have to state my opinion, and most of the time I won't, because I don't know if I can even trust my opinion. I know that I'm somewhat clever, the classes I'm in, the conversations I like to have, my passions, and really many things about me show that I prefer talking about Hitler's political strategy than talking about tits.

If anything, I don't think I've gone through the childhood era, and maybe thats why I like mlp, but the fact that when I can have a mature conversation about something that would make other's laugh, I think it shows.

And it's also hard for me not to see things, this is probably something else people may not know about me, but I'm actually quite observational. I see things, I take them in, and then I use the information. I make decisions on the info I collect, and it seemed that I have learned to not tell people when I've done this to them. Because each and every single time I do it, people call me weird, a freak, a prick, you know all that stuff. Sometimes I just do it without thinking it through, it just happens naturally, and then I get called names and get a whole shower of abuse for it.

It sucks, but I think it's the more normal side of me so I don't quite mind.

Also, something else that you guys may not know, but I do hate religion. Really, please don't talk about it to me, don't take me church, don't say I just need to believe in god and then I'll get better, don't say what I'm seeing or hearing is just the word of God or something from the bible, or any of anyone's bible.

I see it as stupid, and other than the really obvious ones that I'm not going to say, I'll tell you a couple personal reasons why I'm not into the whole religious scene.

Now, I'm not the only person in my family with schizophrenia. Both my Aunty Rosemary, and my now Dead Grandfather had it, and you know what? Both of them were christians/Catholics, crazy scary nutters, one of which fought in a war and the other took drugs to help her voices out, and they were religious.

Rosemary thought that she was talking to angels, so many times did I hear her talking about Angels while she was putting a cigarette in her mouth and being high as a kite.

While I barely saw my Aunty Rosemary, and Grandpa I only saw when I was two and when he was dead, I knew that drugs were bad for you and religion was bad for you, because look at what it did to my own family members.

I could possibly turn out like my Aunty, she was an amazing artist before she started to take drugs, she had a really bright future ahead of her, just like I have now with my school work.

And other than everything else I have gotten from religion, you could probably sourced my utmost hatred for it from that experience I had gotten from Rosemary.

Another thing, remember a little bit above how I said I observe things well? Well this kind fits in with that.

Like I said I notice things, and sometimes the information I happen to collect hits me really hard. On these very forums, I can see people just totally dissing art that people spent quite a bit of effort into, and that stops me from posting my own art here. But then, when I do post my own art, all I see are post grinders, surfing through the section trying to raise their count.

And then I see those same people give a more thought out post to others, while my art just get the grinding posts. And I know this may not be possibly just by chance, because I've done several different ways and all I get are grinders, when I observe I do get extensive with the research.

People may not know this, but I do need some kind of praise. I put a whole lot of effort into things, and when I put them anywhere I use a lot of my courage and my other emotions to just press the post button, and then when everything I do is ignored or not even acknowledged, well there goes almost all of my self esteem and self worth.

And of course, I get a lot of shit from people. Not from real life, since I'm able to stay away from people like that, but on the internet I get a lot of shit.

I don't know, it could just be me, but people always seem to pick fights with me. Over the last two weeks this one person has been picking immature battles with me and I haven't been able to get rid of him. Only about 2 days ago did I finally lose my cool with him, since me called me a pretentious prick for liking Math and for helping a friend out.

But of course, he's just the most recent fella, I've had a few pick on me and for months I couldn't get away from one man's constant abuse, and then not long after that another kid came along and started to get on the bandwagon.

It's constant stress, and the most recent heart attack I had was actually caused by the stream of hate and abuse that I've been getting from the most recent fella.

Actually, all the main buggers are from here, the forums, and while I know that one of them is banned for ever, the other two are still here and posting.

I feel as though I've written a tad much for people to read in one take, and I believe I'm halfway through my little explaining rant thingy, so I may come back to this when I feel the need too.