Whenever I'm alone, the same thoughts run through my head. Thoughts like, "What are my friends doing? They always have things to do, why don't I?", or, "Why do all of my YouTube companions leave me? Am I condemned to a life of loneliness?", and sometimes even, "Will I ever find someone who will stay with me?" All I can ever do to help overcome this, however crazy it may sound, is to imagine a dialogue in which someone assures me that things will get better. Unfortunately, these thoughts tend to work their way into my imagination, causing me to fabricate some depressing scenarios. Not even music, television, or movies can help much, as the plots for such things are either too sad, or so happy that I can't help but remember the loneliness and lack of happiness in my life.

Now, contrary to how I sound, I'm not depressed. At least I don't think I am. All I am is deprived. Deprived of social interaction, trust in people, and a lasting friend or companion. I am fairly happy with what I do have, which is loving parents, plenty of things to keep myself occupied, and YouTube.

Interesting...as I typed the word YouTube, I felt much different than I used to. The word used to bring so much joy to my heart. Now, all it brings is confusion. I often wonder why I make videos for YouTube. The initial answer is, "I do it because I have fun doing it." Then I think about it, and my answer changes to, "I do it because I've worked so long and so hard that I need to finish this." Both are true, but in the end I can never choose which one I believe in more.

There's a few lines of dialogue from Doctor Who that can explain my feelings on this:

Amy: Then why am I here?

The Doctor: Because! [lowers his voice] Because I can't see it anymore.

Amy: See what?

The Doctor: I'm 907. After a while... you just can't see it!

Amy: See what?

The Doctor: Everything! I look at a star and it's just a big ball of burning gas and I know how it began and I know how it ends and I was probably there both times. After a while, everything is just stuff! That's the problem. You make all of space and time your backyard and what do you have? A backyard. But you, you can see it. And when you see it, I see it.

Now to edit this to fit my case:

Some Companion: Then why am I here?

Me: Because! [lowers my voice] Because I can't see it anymore.

Some Companion: See what?

Me: I've done this for 7 years. After a while... you just can't see it!

Some Companion: See what?

Me: Everything! I look at a video and it's just some person doing something and I know how it's made and I know how it's uploaded and I've done both far too many times. After a while, everything is just stuff! That's the problem. You make all of YouTube your backyard and what do you have? A backyard. But you, you can see it. And when you see it, I see it.

That's what it really is. Every time I get some new companion on my YouTube channel I suddenly get really into making videos. We'll both get so excited and talk about ideas nonstop. Then they leave, and I lose it. I lose the motivation to create. Occasionally I'll get back in it, but only for a short time. This isn't helped considering I also don't have too many viewers which could probably motivate me even if I'm alone.

So yeah, that's all the depressing stuff I feel like writing about for now.

See you guys next blog!