I can’t sleep tonight. I just have a lot on my mind. Primarily, I miss my friend. It’s kinda complicated but it goes a little something like this.

A few years ago, I meet this girl in New Mexico. We didn’t get the opportunity to talk much but we added each other on Facebook. About a couple months later, we start chatting and it turns out we have a lot in common. So we hit it off as pretty good friends for a while. Then about a year later, we fall out of touch. I try to talk to her but my texts and phone calls go unanswered. We drift. I was pretty upset about that. She was one of my best friends. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t talk to me. I thought I had done something wrong. But I just chalk it up as another failed attempt at keeping someone in my life and move on with my lonely self.

So sometime in January, she finally says hi to me. I was reserved toward her first. I didn’t want to end up getting close again just to fall back out of touch. You see, when I lose a friend…well I don’t losing friends. The emotional toll it takes on me…I just can’t put it in words. I don’t have a large group of friends so each and every one of my closest friends are some of the most special people in my life and I love them like family. On the flip side of the coin, I have trust issues that stem from being physically and verbally assaulted throughout my entire childhood. If you earn my trust that’s a big deal. If you break it, you just can’t imagine the kind of pain it causes me. It hurts more than you think.

So of course I’m scared to talk to her again. I don’t want to fall out of touch. She didn’t stab me in the back. She just quit talking. So I was kinda excited to hear back (finally…after about two years) but at the same time I was nervous. For the first few months I didn’t really say much. Then she invited me to do something. I thought about it carefully for about four or five hours, weighing out every possible outcome I could think of. I came to a point where I didn’t know what to do. So I just decided to go with it.

So we get caught up. The reason we fell out of touch was that she was going through a rough patch in her life and she didn’t really talk to anyone during those couple of years. Understandable but I really wish she would have said something to me. We talk that afternoon. A lot. It only took me one afternoon. I decided I was going to try to date her.

Now I pause again...I had just finished my undergrad program. I was ready to try it again. I hadn’t dated in 4 years. I wanted to try it again. So after we finish at the science museum (because it was her sister’s birthday) I ask her out to the movies. She was gonna get her own ticket, but I made sure I was first in line so I could buy both of them, but I did it in a way that didn’t totally give it away. It left her room to question what was going on.

So I see her for a couple months before I finally just get it out. She admits that she has feelings for me too. Jackpot! And I was happy again. I thought I actually had hope of a love life.

I was wrong.

So we start dating. She was actually awesome despite constantly talking about how much she sucked as a girlfriend. Of course, any girl who will voluntarily pay for dinner from time to time is awesome in my book. I’m a strong supporter of equal rights. I’m also a strong supporter of equal pay. And equal responsibilities. If I buy you dinner, I don’t expect you to get me back next time but if you do, that goes miles with me.

And then we spend the whole 4^th of July weekend together. This is where it starts to go downhill. We kissed a few times. No naughty business though. That’s not the way I roll. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t think “Man I would like to see my girlfriend naked” a lot. Because I did. But I have standards and so does she. No naughty business without being married. And we were a long way from that. So the 4^th of July comes and goes and it was probably the best weekend of my life. Little did I know that was the turning point in our relationship.

So things start to slow down between us. I would try to say hi to her after I knew she was off work and I wouldn’t get anything back for a few hours. It was odd. It wasn’t like her to just ignore me. But she does have a tough job so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. And her summer was pretty busy. So I just chalked it up to busy work life. But it doesn’t get any better and I start getting tired of being pushed aside so much. I mean…I had felt that way. Like I was being ignored. And I would get really upset with that from time to time. But I just told myself she’s busy and I’m overreacting. But it finally did come to a point where I was tired of it. I was tired of being ignored by someone I loved. So I started contemplating a breakup.

But I didn’t know if she was going to be ready for it. So I waited a few weeks. I had decided that if she hadn’t done it by mid-September, I was going to dump her. I’d had enough of the being ignored. I was done.

It was the first weekend in September. She calls and says we need to talk. So we meet at a Starbucks and we break up. Amicably, of course, since we had both wanted to get out. I ended up being funny to try to lighten the mood by making some stupid joke about friendzone prison and how the frienzone police were cuffing me…I just wanted to let her know that I had forgiven her and I hoped we could be friends thereafter. And even if I was hurt, I would be okay in time.

That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. The week after was pretty dark. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to see anyone. I couldn’t believe it. I’d been duped. After all those times chalking it up to her busy life…she had just been ignoring me?! What the fuck did I do to deserve that? I poured my heart and soul into it. I wanted us to go places…and I legitimately ignored….But the week does move on and I come to terms with it and now I’m a cynical asshole again when it comes to dating. I was right to be cynical.

I mean…I get tired of waiting…but when I get tired of waiting and I decide to actually do something…I get reminded of why I’m tired of trying. There isn’t anyone out there. Not for a weird nerd like me. That’s fine. I can deal with that. I’d hate it if I die without ever knowing what having a family is like but if that’s how my life is supposed to play out, I’ve accepted that fate.

So after my week is over and I come to term with it and I’m not hurt over the breakup anymore, I initiate a conversation with her. We talk about life, jobs, school, etc. I was actually pretty excited to have a friend again. I hoped it would make things simpler.

Was I wrong again or what?!

She just doesn’t say anything. And here’s what bothers me most: she even said she wanted to remain friends. That she still thought I was cool but just didn’t want to have a romantic relationship with me. At least, not right now. I was fine with that. I’m over that. What’s got me bummed is that I was told we could be friends again. I, unlike many people, am able to pull that off. I know when I’ve had my chance and it didn’t work out. But I can still have a connection with people and keep it completely platonic post-breakup. So I was excited to just have my best friend back.

Nope.

She doesn’t say anything. If she was at all interested in maintaining a friendship with me, she’d say hi periodically. I wouldn’t be the one trying to establish a connection with an old friend.

So this is it I guess.

I just don’t know that I can trust her anymore. I don’t know that my heart can take being cast aside like that again. I don’t know that I could bear to be treated like this anymore. I miss my friend. That’s all I want. I just want my friend.

So I’ve decided that this week I’m going to try to tell her how I feel: bummed. I feel awful that we don’t talk anymore and that she never says hi. Like she tells me that I did nothing wrong and that we can still be friends…yet she doesn’t even sneeze in my general direction. What did I do to deserve that? If you don't want to be my friend anymore, just tell me. But don't lie to me. That's just low...

So...

If she talks, there may be hope. If she doesn’t, then I’m calling it dead. If she tries to talk to me again after the fact, I’ll probably give her a piece of my mind. But I’m sick of being ignored. The buck stops here.

Maybe I’m just too forgiving.

I don’t know…