I have to say that my run in the brony fandom has proven quite interesting and to be quite frank, I can't help but wonder how I'll look back on this part of my life years, even decades from now. Of course, there's more going on now than just being part of this fandom. It was the beginning of the second year of college when I got into the show and subsequently the brony fandom. I feel like I'm repeating myself when I say that it's been a peculiar ride but it's just as true now as it was when I spoke of it at earlier points in time. But I ramble.

Well... In essence, I've been experimenting on myself and my laboratory was the fandom. I could ramble on about what led me down that path but I'll spare you. I've started to attempt being more open and less suppressing with my emotions and my thoughts. What I hoped to accomplish with this was to bring out the best in myself and triumph over my shortcomings and I even hoped to do the same in others when lending a hand. (To those I've depended on for support, I must salute you all for having the patience for having shouldered all my emotional baggage all this time.)

So after three years, what conclusion am I ready to take? What have I learned from all of this?

Firstly, you can't help everyone and not everyone can help you. Some people simply don't have the answer or are simply lost on how to lend support to your particular predicament. While everyone has something they can offer, that doesn't necessarily mean that they have what you seek.

Another hard lesson was that not everyone can be trusted -- whether at the individual or community scale. Honestly, being open arguably to the point of doing so dangerously vulnerably, I was going to bump my nose at some point or another. That said, I've no regrets.

For this next point, it's relevant to say that the optimism that led me into the brony fandom with such open arms was that at the time of entry, I had also been informed of a much brighter side to human nature but that it wasn't the full picture. The part I was shown dealt with the development of individuals. We know that human cells are different organisms from the bodies they make up and in that sense crowds or aggregates of people are different organisms from individuals. Crowds have their own behavioral patterns. If you try to judge groups of people as you would an individual, generalizations are going to be inevitable where you'll either end up very naive, very cynical or very confused (perhaps even in that order).

Two blogs I wrote not long ago explored the shortcomings of the brony ideal. We as bronies have tried or are still trying to be the most supportive community out there and usually this is done through accepting a person as they are from deep inside -- the good as well as the bad. One memory that rings particularly loudly was how one brony described how his ego "felt validated." Validating people's egos is pretty much what happens when they receive support and acceptance but very unfortunately, they might start to crave it. This craving can become insatiable or unsatisfiable where if they don't receive the attention that they crave, they'll start to feel ignored or worse yet, they may respond destructively. This addiction may or may not be an epidemic in our fandom.

Finally... all that put together, it has led me to believe that I must at least be able to rely on myself just as much as being able to rely on my friends. To rely on oneself too much is to be a loner and to rely on friends too much is to be dependent to the point of ineptitude. I believe it is up to each person to find their point of equilibrium.

All that said, recently I realized how my craving for attention has led me again and again to haunt forums (including this one) hitting the refresh key in this vain hope that a notification will pop up, be it a quote, a brohoof, a reply or even a PM. That being the case, I've been putting effort into liberating myself from this craving (and to prove my point, I've disabled comments on this blog. If you do have honest criticism, though, PM me).

With that, I think it's best I take a break from most forum activities, only visiting to stay in touch with specific people but other than that, I'm going to be walking alone in hopes of becoming more self-reliant and to find that point of equilibrium mentioned earlier. Is this goodbye? Sort of but I'm sure at one point or another I'll be active again. Maybe I'll come back a new person or maybe it just means that I've succumbed -- if momentarily -- to the craving of attention. The latter sure is possible if not outright probable.

Take care, everyone. I wish you the best in your struggles.