These Christmas will not be good.

I've known that for a long time already, due to various reasons. Unfortunately, as it is with life, things can always get worse. Nearly always.

7 years ago (or maybe it was 8? I don't know, I don't count) I was... younger. Duh. Obviously. I was barely 16, maybe 17, when our old, really old dog died of age. Was I moved by it? Of course I was. She was in family ever since I remembered. Unfortunately, I don't remember her that well anymore. She was just "there". Nothing more. So my family found themselves in need of a new pup.

I've found one. Not only found, but also pushed against the family's will and paid for it by myself (If I was to compare the price, I'd say it'd be around 300US dollars, but in my country it would nearly be an equivalent of monthly minimum wage). That's how "Lena" was brought into the family (We actually had to drive 100+ miles to get her, because Newfoundlands are rather rare in here).

Was it 'my' dog? Certainly not. I've trained her when she was a puppy, I've played with her every time I was in home, I fed her... in general, I did everything around her, taking care in every way possible.

Did it pay off? Certainly yes. The amount of laughter and positivity this dog has brought into the family is unaccountable for. I can most certainly say that I wouldn't be so positively set towards the world, I wouldn't be so happy in general or even sometimes smile to a bad game when life decided to kick me in the guts. Words cannot express how grateful I am for having this dog in the family.

People say it's only natural to create a bond with such animal. I call bullsh**. There's much more to it than just a typical attachment. If not for that dog, it is entirely possible that at some moments in my life I wouldn't be smiling and standing up to the challenge, but I'd rather sit in the corner and pity myself. Obviously, it takes a giant ball of fur to motivate and restore faith in myself sometimes

Then there were my friends, who absolutely love her. I'm still not sure how to address this, but my dog obviously has a FB page, administrated by a couple of girls I know. Sad part is, I believe, that this page has more friends than I have myself... *Shrugs* Sometimes I just prefer to "not even..." .

The bottom line is that all the memories I have of her are... well... positive. Hell, she never even dared to growl/bark at me no matter how annoying I'd be for her. The most patient, grateful and friendly dog I've ever seen in my entire life. Cross my heart yadda yadda...

So yeah, imagine my reaction after learning that she had a slight case of flu. Yeah, I was home last Monday, and she was coughing lightly. I literally melted above her. 'twas "my" little doggeh who was sick, and I didn't really ever had that many occasions to see her past few years. Unfortunately, my parents did not seem to share the same care for her. "She'll be fine. It's nothing serious." they said. Nevertheless, I asked them to take her to vet and get some medicine for her. Because come on, why should she suffer when we can pay a few coins?

Five days have passed since then. Not even five, I believe. But my parents heeded my advice. Thanks to that, I've received a text msg that it's not a flu and she's a *bit* more sick than they initially thought. The *bit* part consisted of: ascites, renal failure and heart arrythmia which were caused by a liver cancer.

I'm a calm person on a daily basis. I rarely allow myself to be led by emotions. But today?

Fuck this world. She should be alive for 7 more years at least. While she's being put down to sleep on Monday, on my own friggin' request. I already hate the loneliness and emptiness. And I can't even get angry at anyone, because it was impossible to discover this earlier...

These Christmas will not be good.