While thinking about some of my mental issues earlier, I realized I can postulate where some of them came from. In this blog, I'll look at them one by one, and their possible origin.

Note: These are hypothetical, and my memory of the past can be sketchy, being based largely off emotional recollections and memories of certain moments. Keep this in mind.

My sister is around 8 years older than me, and my brother around 12 years older than me. Also note, I was pretty jerk-y myself during the timeframes usually discussed below.

-Uncertainty In Regards To Attention Seeking

I often hesitate admitting to issues I have, due to a feeling they may be superficial, or attention seeking.

Possible Cause

I believe I was accused of both by my siblings on more than one occasion as a young child. 'Stop pouting' was a common command given to me. Also, even today my sister gets mad at me if I act down, due to feeling SHE is the one with a right to be upset ( perhaps she does;why can't we BOTH be down? )

-Difficulty Around Cliques

Hoo boy, I'm a mess with these things. First, I seek acceptance into a group often, and stress out in regards to whether I'm a part of it. And then, I often suddenly turn my back on them, only to turn back a day later. Even just seeing a group makes me feel sad and excluded. Also, the clique can really be as small as two friends. Even when it should be clear if I am or not, I doubt I am counted amongst them.

Possible Cause

My siblings are both much older than me. As a result, I was rather distanced from them; they had an established relationship( and seemed pretty close, too, ) and naturally I could not do everything they did. I seem to recall both of them not wanting to spend much time around me even separated, either. Usually, I would watch them be friendly with each other while feeling excluded.

-IRL, Lingering In The Background

I find it hard to speak up in social interactions.

Possible Cause

Linked to the above, but my siblings also would banter constantly, and I was at times unable to get a word in edgewise. At times, I may have spoken during a lull in the talk, only to be covered up ( this happens to both me and my sister these days around my mother. )

Fear Of Judgement

I have quite the crippling fear of silent judgments, making it hard to relax around people.

Possible Cause

My household as a whole is pretty condescending and judgemental. I was not exmept from somewhat harsh remarks in the past on mistakes, or laughed at for misconceptions or stupidity.

Emotionless

There is a mask over my feelings sometimes, due in part to the issue above. However, I also find it hard to express emotion IRL.

Possible Cause

There was a time in my childhood I was VERY affectionate, lots of uncalled for hugs, etc. My siblings were the main targets of this. I don't remember them being discouraging, per se, but definitely not encouraging, either. Admittedly, I was acting like a freak, so...

Self Confidence

As demonstrated by some of the above issues, I lack confidence somewhat badly.

Possible Cause

There was also a time in my youth when I was pretty much bullied and accused of pouting nonstop.

Meal times where dreadful, because all 3 of us where together. ( Note that my sister was a more tolerable person when my brother wasn't around. ) Just about everything I said was laughed at or ridiculed, in my memory, and I also had to listen to them talk to one another about things I didn't have much interest in on top of it. Not much of an ego boost.

Just to be clear, I don't blame my family too harshly for their mistakes. My siblings are a lot nicer now, and my sister has actually apologized somewhat for the past, though that dosen't make much difference now.

Thanks for reading. I want to apologize for the inconveniences these issues of mine have no doubt caused you in the past.