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Long Read - Good Vs. Bad Insomnia


Miles

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Disclaimer: The first couple sentences here started out as if I was just going to make a status update about this. Then, of course, I realized I had a lot to say. So, I decided to make a blog.

 



Whoa. Uh... This is hard to describe, but... This song just gave me a sort of "situational nostalgia" - I remember listening to it a long time ago one night when I had insomnia. And this feeling I have... makes me kinda want to be able to remember what I was feeling when I had insomnia. Yeah, I know - that's weird. But, even though insomnia sucks, there's something ironically pleasant about the odd flow of neurochemicals after being awake for way too long. And as time goes on as you stay awake, feelings start to change.

 

Note: This might get confusing. Don't worry, it's not your fault. I tend to go overboard in my explanations sometimes. But just keep reading, the last part isn't so bad.

 

For clarity’s sake; what is insomnia, in layman’s terms? The inability to sleep that causes you to stay awake. For some people, their insomnia is a repeating illness; legitimate, diagnosed insomnia. There are probably many causes of this, and so it may differ from person to person. For other people, insomnia is random. It doesn’t happen all the time. And then, all of a sudden it hits them.

 

Discrepancy clarification: “Staying up all night” is not insomnia. If one chooses to keep him/herself awake, for whatever reason, but yet still retains the ability if he/she so pleased to fall asleep, that is not insomnia. Insomnia necessitates that one is under some kind of stress that disables them to fall asleep. Insomnia keeps people awake that truly want to sleep, but cannot.

 

I have the pseudo-insomnia, as it would randomly occur in college some nights. I wanted to sleep, but my mind and body just wouldn’t shutdown. Luckily I haven’t had insomnia for a long time.

 

But anyway, as someone who has had… Oh, if I were to guess, I ‘d say around 10 to 15 instances of it in college in the past two years, give or take a little… I can tell you, (whether or not the insomnia is random or reoccurring), there is one good and one bad type of insomnia; this is because, there are two kinds of numbness sensations, one good and one bad.

 

Here’s where stuff gets tricky. I can describe those two forms of numbness, but I can’t tell you which of the two is the good one, and which is the bad one. I’ll explain more about why momentarily.*

 

One. The textbook, literal numbness – a lack of feeling and sensation. You can’t tell that you are numb because you can’t tell that you are not able to feel.

 

Two. The paradoxical numbness – a sensation that mimics the normal numbness, except, you can feel it. Somehow you can feel a feeling that isn’t real; a pseudo-feeling.

 

*The reason why has to do with the relations among “Mental/Emotional/Physical” states of being.

 

Which category does insomnia stem from? Or, does it stem from multiple? How does it work?

 

The answer is: it depends.

 

Now, I will tell you that when you are stressed out, all of the categories are effected. However, there must be a special reason beyond stress alone to initiate insomnia. You can be stressed out in all categories and have the opposite effect of insomnia – a fatigue that makes you even more able to sleep because you have no energy. So you see, insomnia’s special reason for initializing is that something happens with the neurochemicals in the brain that gives you too much energy to be able to fall asleep, despite being totally exhausted. A reserve of energy that seems impossible because you think that you should be out of energy. You think you’ve used it all up. But yet, like magic, you just can’t fall asleep.

 

With that being said, let me now dive further into speculation, based upon my own experiences.*

 

*I’m not an expert; I’m not a doctor. I can only tell you how my own insomnia experiences have worked. Therefore, my explanations below may or may not be how others feel about their insomnia experiences.

 

I’ve said there are two kinds of numbness, and I’ve said that the categories of “Mental/Emotional/Physical” are related in some way. I also said that this gets tricky to understand once you dive further into how it works…

 

What exactly do I mean by that? A paradoxically reversed cause and effect.

 

One of the kinds of numbness is caused by the physical category [via physical stress]. The other kind is caused by the mental/emotional categories [via mental/emotional stress]. Their effects are upon their opposites; physical stress causes mental/emotional numbness – and mental/emotional stress causes physical numbness.

 

Now getting trickier: How do those two versions of stress-induced numbness relate to whether the numbness can, or cannot be felt?

 

It is possible to only have one – it is possible to have the one other – and, it is possible to have both versions of stress-induced numbness at the same time. Yet, despite that meaning there are 3 possibilities, there are only two versions of insomniac numbness – good or bad.

 

Remember how I said I can’t tell you which version of numbness – inability to feel, and ability to feel – is the good one, and which is the bad one? That’s because of this:

 

3 possible instances of cause, but only two resulting effects…

 

Therefore, we have a problem.

 

1. Physical stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad?
2. Mental/Emotional stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad?

 

3. Both physical and mental/emotional stress induced: Felt or not felt; Good or bad?

 

And so, in order for me to be able to tell you for certain which version of numbness I originally referred to when I said I have situational nostalgia – the one that I like (ergo, the good one) – I would have to figure out this:

 

If A. 1 and 2 are felt; if B. 1 and 3 are felt; if C. 2 and 3 are felt; if D. only 1 is felt; if E. only 2 is felt; if F. only 3 is felt.

 

That is 6 cases. Only one case may be true – the rest must be false. And, each case has an unwritten inverse truth – that the numbers (1 through 3) not described in that case are not felt.

 

Then, I’d have to figure out if that one true case is the case I am referring to as the good one, or if it is the bad one.

 

Do I think I can figure this out? Maybe.

 

But to do so, I can tell you right now that I would have to take a shortcut based on a mere whim, and that I would be figuring out the above questions through backwards logic – finding the answer before the question, rather than after.

 

My whim is this:

 

I know that during both instances of insomniac numbness, I am either functioning consciously, or I am “autopiloting” – ergo, functioning subconsciously. (Functioning as in, being awake).

 

I believe that the good version of insomnia is where I am conscious, and thus not autopiloting. Therefore, I believe that the version of numbness that is good (because it is the effect of the good version of insomnia) is the version of numbness that you can feel. The pseudo-sensation of numbness that can be felt; can be perceived. Hence, the version of numbness that is bad is that which cannot be felt; a lack of feeling.

 

Why do I think that?

 

When one is conscious, one can feel. When one isn’t conscious – when one is subconscious (“in autopilot”), one cannot feel.

 

I think that the good version of insomnia is where you can feel the pseudo-numbness because I know that whenever I have had insomnia, there has been a predictable pattern of consciousness; a predictable pattern of subconsciousness. The pattern is this: As time goes on while one is staying awake due to insomnia, one continues to use up sources of energy to remain conscious. Once those sources have gotten to the point where they are near depletion, one slips into the state of his subconscious. The brain causes this “slip” from being conscious to being subconscious because it is trying to keep you… alive. Yeah. I know. That’s a scary thought. Insomnia disables one from sleeping, and once a person becomes deprived of sleep long enough, the mind/body starts using alternative sources of energy to stay not only awake, but to stay alive.

 

Additional information: Normally, there are certain neurochemicals that flow during wakeness, and then there are certain ones that flow during sleep. In a healthy person that is not suffering from insomnia, the neurochemicals for wakeness will stop flowing when the neurochemicals for sleep start flowing. Basically, if one switch is on, the other is off. This may be a surprise to you, as you may have figured there was only one switch that if on it meant awake, and if off meant asleep, but that isn’t so. There are two switches, and that is what enables insomnia to exist. Remember, when I say “switches” I’m referring to the flow of wakeness and of sleep neurochemicals. Insomnia occurs because the wakeness “switch” doesn’t turn off when the sleep “switch” turns on. Insomnia, therefore, means both switches are on. And thus, as time goes on, insomnia can eventually turn into a state of being where one feels as if one is both awake and asleep at the same time. When that occurs, one is functioning subconsciously “in autopilot,” and that means one’s overall health is greatly at risk. It is quite possible that a person could suffer some substantial issues if sleep cannot be had soon once the “slip” from conscious to subconscious occurs.

 

Luckily, of all the times I’ve had insomnia, only a couple have I went into the subconscious, “autopilot” mode. And even then, I was able to fall asleep quickly enough after that to save from having health issues.

 

Well, this was a long ass blog. Lmao. Thanks for taking the time to read it, if you got this far. If any of you have similar feelings; or if any of you have had insomnia before, please comment your thoughts on what I’ve said. I’m interested in seeing what you have to say. :)

 

Thanks,
~ Miles

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