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How To Be a Good Trans Ally


NonbinaryDuck

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(Disclaimer and Warnings: This is not a rant-- I repeat, this isn't a rant. This is advice for those who're curious to see how to support us trans people more. If you dare try to argue with me about anything said here, I'll simply block you and call you out as transphobic if that is if that's you're questioning what offends and oppresses us trans people. I'm always more than happy to answer legitimate questions other than so, so go ahead and please read!)

 

#1: Do not ask for the person's birth name if they've changed it.

 

There's a reason why we changed our names in the first place, is because our birth names made us uncomfortable. It'd be one thing to be curious, but please try refraining yourself from such questions. This also includes trying to be sneaky and asking that person's friends if they know. Don't invade our past lives-- it's invasion of privacy and highly disrespectful.

 

#2: Don't ask us if we were "born a boy/girl".

 

In fact, don't ask us at all what we were born with or designated with unless if you're 100% sure the person who you're talking to is a-okay with discussing of such subject. Also, when you ask if we're born a boy or a girl, you're further pressing on the fact that the person is transgender. Your worries shouldn't be on whether if we're transgender or not, let alone our genitals, it should be what we DO identify as, not who we pretended as who we "were".

 

#3: Don't call trans people= transgenders, transgendered, trans*/transgender*.

 

Transgenders don't exist, however trans people/transgender people do. You make us sound like a species, also in general this is grammatically incorrect. Don't say or call us transgendered. Being transgender isn't a choice, a disease, a illness, etc. You can't be ""transgendered"", you're just transgender or not. Now, on the asterisk part-- the asterisk hurts actual trans people. No, this isn't inclusive of nonbinary people, if you're nonbinary you're transgender already, whoever thought of this must of been smoking some good shit because buddy, wow.
You're now including those who AREN'T in the LGBTQ/transgender community such as cross-dressers, drag queens/kings, or basically anything along the lines of transvestites. Transvestites aren't trans people, they just wear a wig and makeup and have specific personality traits to said character they make up possibly for shows or just for fun.

 

#4: Don't make yourself a victim when misgendering someone.

 

Alright dude, I get it, you're sorry-- now shut up. I understand sometimes people who are very conscious of how others think of them may be prone to over-apologize when using the incorrect name/pronouns when referring to someone, but keep in mind we hate you more when you make yourself look like you're the innocent one. Stop crying, stop whining, we get it. You're not the victim-- just apologize, shut up, and continue on with your life.

 

#5: Don't-- and I repeat-- do NOT speak over trans people on transgender issues/topics.

 

You could be Barack Obama himself for all I give a flying fuck, do not speak over trans people's experiences, views, opinions, etc. on transgender topics/issues. For example, if a trans woman tells you that what you said/did is transmisogynistic, do not fucking question them-- instead ask questions such as:
"Oh, I'm sorry for being rude. Can you please tell me what I said/did was wrong?"
"Okay, I won't joke/do something like that again."
"My bad, thank you for correcting me!" etc.
You do NOT say:
"Stop being a crybaby, you know I meant nothing by it!"
"I don't hate you and other trans women, in fact I have you, a trans woman, as a friend right?! That must mean something!"
"Okay, but how is a guy dressing up as a girl not funny?" or along other fucked up and sarcastic remarks.

 

#6: Trying to make "cisphobia" more of a concern than actual oppression against trans people.

 

Let me first explain to you what oppression is-- it's prejudice and power. Trans people cannot be oppressors (unless if we overpower someone for something different other than transgender,) because we're the oppressed. We do not hold power over cis people. We do not have strong prejudice against cis people.
Also keep in mind, being prejudice means you hate for a group for invalidated and unjustified reasons. Usually trans people's reasoning to hate/belittle cis people are for justified reasons. Trans people don't kill, murder, rape, torture, etc. cis people because they're cis, in fact we don't do this at all when it comes to cis people!

 

Certain trans people dislike/hate cis people for reasons being: they're oppressors, there's a chance they could get beat up just by walking around a grocery store, there's literally laws trying to be fucking pass to kill trans people for a non-justified reason other than the fact we're transgender, they don't stand up for trans people, and so on and so forth. I personally don't hate let alone dislike cis people, but other trans people do, and it's not in my place to tell them what's wrong or right-- especially when trans women express their hatred.

 

Overall what I'm saying is cisphobia doesn't exist, if you ever see shit online like "trans person beats up cis person just because they're cis!! uwu!!" it's fake as Hell. Most of those articles/fake ass stories (such as one from foreverhonest on Tumblr,) are made to harass and belittle trans people, making us seem violent and bewildered. These are basics to sociology, look it up if you don't believe in me when it comes to understanding what's oppression and what isn't.

 

#7: Do small things to support us!

 

Seriously though-- from calling out on people's bullshit to making huge campaigns, we will seriously appreciate you! :D Small things like this add up, and further makes others want to contribute as well. Also donating to those who're trying to transition will also be neat. Just, don't be a jerk and help out, really. You'll make a huge difference and you may not have a clue how much you may change someone's life, or even every trans person's life.

 

 

Thank you for reading everyone, and have a wonderful day!
Hit me up if you have any questions, I'm always willing to answer! :)

  • Brohoof 2

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I recommend being calmer in giving all those advices, because Your post might only scare people away from You.

 

I know it can be a true pain when someone acts like a dick towards You, but best way to get people to support You is explaining things calmly and kindly. It especially applies to part #4. I have to admit I tend to misgender and I don't like the way You referred to it.

I understand sometimes people who are very conscious of how others think of them may be prone to over-apologize when using the incorrect name/pronouns when referring to someone, but keep in mind we hate you more when you make yourself look like you're the innocent one

 

Hating for such mistake is pretty pointless, don't You think? If someone apologized then who cares about it? You too have to understand that for some people it is hard to suddenly call You out with different gender when they knew You for years as guy/girl. It's not as easy as it might sound to You. It is hard for me even. When I see my transgender FTM friend with his profile picture in extremely girly outfit with makeup etc it is hard for me to refer to him as "he". Am I evil for that? Shold I get instahate when I mistakely call him "she"? I don't think so. Also, he doesn't think so neither (yes, he saw Your blog and cringed a bit, sorry).

And since when apologizing is "trying to look innocent"? 

If someone apologized that person clearly regrets it - hating someone for regretting mistake is as stupid as hating someone for being transgender. 

 

 

By all means I am not against what You wrote here, but please, use different words. The ones You've used just shout for needless conflict. 

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I support this 100% I really wish ignorance and oppression would go away, but I know there is a difference between a transgender person and a transvestite but what do you feel about a transvestite that insist they are an other gender but to afraid to get the operation or other reasons?  

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I support this 100% I really wish ignorance and oppression would go away, but I know there is a difference between a transgender person and a transvestite but what do you feel about a transvestite that insist they are an other gender but to afraid to get the operation or other reasons?  

 

Then that person is transgender, not a transvestite. There are some people who can't or don't want to go under operation, and all reasons regardless are valid. If you identify as other than the gender you were designated with at birth, then you're transgender. :D Hope this helps!

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I recommend being calmer in giving all those advices, because Your post might only scare people away from You.

 

I know it can be a true pain when someone acts like a dick towards You, but best way to get people to support You is explaining things calmly and kindly. It especially applies to part #4. I have to admit I tend to misgender and I don't like the way You referred to it.

Hating for such mistake is pretty pointless, don't You think? If someone apologized then who cares about it? You too have to understand that for some people it is hard to suddenly call You out with different gender when they knew You for years as guy/girl. It's not as easy as it might sound to You. It is hard for me even. When I see my transgender FTM friend with his profile picture in extremely girly outfit with makeup etc it is hard for me to refer to him as "he". Am I evil for that? Shold I get instahate when I mistakely call him "she"? I don't think so. Also, he doesn't think so neither (yes, he saw Your blog and cringed a bit, sorry).

And since when apologizing is "trying to look innocent"? 

If someone apologized that person clearly regrets it - hating someone for regretting mistake is as stupid as hating someone for being transgender. 

 

 

By all means I am not against what You wrote here, but please, use different words. The ones You've used just shout for needless conflict. 

 

*sighs* Alrighty, well let me first off explain how if you're intimidated by someone being mad and aggressive from what they go through, you shouldn't consider yourself an ally in the first place. That's like a huge slap to face, because what I hear is: "Even though you guys are basically raped and killed everyday for your identity, you shouldn't yell at people, mmkay? uwu" I apologize if I did come off rude, but there's always a reason why someone's expressing their feelings for something so strongly.

 

And what I mean for #4 are those who OVER-apologize. Those who keep begging for forgiveness for their transphobic behavior. Also assuming someone's gender based off how they look is transphobic. "But if a guy is in a dress wearing makeup, then how can I not mistake him as a girl?!" Just remember that clothing and makeup are materials. That doesn't define gender, nor does your body shape or what you look like overall. I really do hope if you go to a LGBTQ parade you don't yell at a couple who looks like they're both opposite genders, because their sexuality may be on the lines of being not hetereosexual and let alone their identity may differ from what society expects that person with noted identity to look like.

 

It actually becomes disrespectful and obnoxious to hear someone keep on begging for forgiveness. Just say "Sorry" and use the correct terms and we're fine. Over-apologizing also makes us trans people look bad. Seriously, like my mom keeps doing this to me and everytime my grandparents always complain about me using a different name and using different pronouns because it makes my mom frustrated. That's bullshit. If you think it's hard not misgendering someone, try being transgender yourself and see if you'd complain then. 

 

You also shouldn't compare that transphobia and getting hated on for misgendering someone as being equally ridiculous. People are actually tortured, raped, murdered, etc. for being transgender, not for misgendering someone. I assure you, the short time of hatred we feel for you is nothing beyond comparison of what we go through. If a person is mad at you, they're mad for a reason. We just don't go around yelling at people for no reason, then that'd be a different story, but in this case our feelings are valid and should be treated as such.

 

Thank you though for addressing this! I hope this clarifies it! :blink: If I confused you, once again feel free to contact me!

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First I forgot to add - I live in Poland and my country still is far from western world. Hatred towards homosexuals etc here is greater than in for example USA, not to mention places like The Netherlands where it slowly becomes a tiny part of country and soon will probably be gone for good. Sadly - it too affects my perspective, because as much as I never accept views of my nation regarding those matters I have it harder to get proper informations regarding LGBT people.

 

Now...

 

Thanks for clarifying, now it looks better. But I still have few words to show how all it looks from perspective of friend of such people: You are right to say that those are not clothes what define us unless we decide otherwise. Problem is - when seeing random person on a street it is impossible to guess if the person is transgender or not in some cases. That's where apologize might be necesarry, but it seems we agreed on that. 

Of course I don't yell at anyone like that. In fact I am too shy to even approach strangers for other reasons than "how can I get to X" so even if I wanted I'd still be unable to do that XD 

 

It can be a true pain, I agree. But sometimes it is necesarry to look at problem from perspective of that person. I for example am always overly scared about offending people, making them angry due to events from my past. It reached the point I attend a therapy myself. Sometimes that fear is hard to control for me and then I too might apologize... a lot. I never do it to make myself look clean, if anything I always am the first to admit making a mistake if I did one. 

 

That's bullshit. If you think it's hard not misgendering someone, try being transgender yourself and see if you'd complain then. 

 

Here I will be stubborn - whole gender change thing works in two ways. I have to respect, for example Your decision. But You have to get patience to tolerate Your friends misgendering You first. It's uneasy thing to change for us too. Of course difference is when someone does it on purpose. Then it's best to kindly block person or do whatever else to avoid contact. And sadly it's not that easy.

One can't "become" transgender, because he/she wants to. You either are different gender inside despite Your biological appearance or not. The fact that I for example can't suddenly switch my gender already says a lot. 

 

You also shouldn't compare that transphobia and getting hated on for misgendering someone as being equally ridiculous. People are actually tortured, raped, murdered, etc. for being transgender, not for misgendering someone. I assure you, the short time of hatred we feel for you is nothing beyond comparison of what we go through. If a person is mad at you, they're mad for a reason. We just don't go around yelling at people for no reason, then that'd be a different story, but in this case our feelings are valid and should be treated as such.

 

But what's the point for hating ALL the people who are not transgenders? Not all people offend, rape etc transgenders. I'd never do that. It's like hating random German for holocaust or random Russian for Ukrainian crisis. Hate solves nothing and if anyone should be blamed - people who really hurted transgenders should be. By hating everyone transgenders can only make more people despise them. Sadly being mad for example on me, because someone else who is cisgender killed transgender is not a legitimate reason. I am all against stereotypes so I will never support cisphobia in any way. Even more, I put it in same closet as homophobia or transphobia. 

I'd put people who hurt You because You're transgenders to prison myself. I'd ensure they rot in prison cell for their lifetime. But transgender people should really think deeply if by cisphobia they aren't slowly walking same extreme path. 

 

 

Like I said - Your reply clarified the matter a bit, but if You want to discuss stuff further we can for sure move to PMs. 

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First I forgot to add - I live in Poland and my country still is far from western world. Hatred towards homosexuals etc here is greater than in for example USA, not to mention places like The Netherlands where it slowly becomes a tiny part of country and soon will probably be gone for good. Sadly - it too affects my perspective, because as much as I never accept views of my nation regarding those matters I have it harder to get proper informations regarding LGBT people.

 

Now...

 

Thanks for clarifying, now it looks better. But I still have few words to show how all it looks from perspective of friend of such people: You are right to say that those are not clothes what define us unless we decide otherwise. Problem is - when seeing random person on a street it is impossible to guess if the person is transgender or not in some cases. That's where apologize might be necesarry, but it seems we agreed on that. 

Of course I don't yell at anyone like that. In fact I am too shy to even approach strangers for other reasons than "how can I get to X" so even if I wanted I'd still be unable to do that XD 

 

It can be a true pain, I agree. But sometimes it is necesarry to look at problem from perspective of that person. I for example am always overly scared about offending people, making them angry due to events from my past. It reached the point I attend a therapy myself. Sometimes that fear is hard to control for me and then I too might apologize... a lot. I never do it to make myself look clean, if anything I always am the first to admit making a mistake if I did one. 

 

Here I will be stubborn - whole gender change thing works in two ways. I have to respect, for example Your decision. But You have to get patience to tolerate Your friends misgendering You first. It's uneasy thing to change for us too. Of course difference is when someone does it on purpose. Then it's best to kindly block person or do whatever else to avoid contact. And sadly it's not that easy.

One can't "become" transgender, because he/she wants to. You either are different gender inside despite Your biological appearance or not. The fact that I for example can't suddenly switch my gender already says a lot. 

 

But what's the point for hating ALL the people who are not transgenders? Not all people offend, rape etc transgenders. I'd never do that. It's like hating random German for holocaust or random Russian for Ukrainian crisis. Hate solves nothing and if anyone should be blamed - people who really hurted transgenders should be. By hating everyone transgenders can only make more people despise them. Sadly being mad for example on me, because someone else who is cisgender killed transgender is not a legitimate reason. I am all against stereotypes so I will never support cisphobia in any way. Even more, I put it in same closet as homophobia or transphobia. 

I'd put people who hurt You because You're transgenders to prison myself. I'd ensure they rot in prison cell for their lifetime. But transgender people should really think deeply if by cisphobia they aren't slowly walking same extreme path. 

 

Being transgender isn't a decision. You also use the word "transgenders" when I specify in this entry not to use that word because you make us sound like a species, also it being grammatically incorrect. Cis people oppress trans people, if other trans people dislike/hate cis people for experiences they go through it's not in your place to say what's right or what's wrong. Just because EVERY cis person doesn't do it it still doesn't make you any less guilty. Especially if you're too scared to stand up for trans people, you're really out of your place to say what's good or what's not. Stop saying cisphobia exists! It doesn't. There's no oppression against cis people-- did you even bother to read the whole entry, I'm just curious at this point.

 

If you honestly think cisphobia exists you and I should probably stop having this discussion. Because if you still are on that situation, you'll never understand other things having to do with sociology and understanding oppression vs. prejudice. 

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Being transgender isn't a decision. You also use the word "transgenders" when I specify in this entry not to use that word because you make us sound like a species, also it being grammatically incorrect. Cis people oppress trans people, if other trans people dislike/hate cis people for experiences they go through it's not in your place to say what's right or what's wrong. Just because EVERY cis person doesn't do it it still doesn't make you any less guilty. Especially if you're too scared to stand up for trans people, you're really out of your place to say what's good or what's not. Stop saying cisphobia exists! It doesn't. There's no oppression against cis people-- did you even bother to read the whole entry, I'm just curious at this point.

 

If you honestly think cisphobia exists you and I should probably stop having this discussion. Because if you still are on that situation, you'll never understand other things having to do with sociology and understanding oppression vs. prejudice. 

I already stated it is not a decision.

 

Yes, I do, because my words refer to transgender people, not to cisgender people. How else am I supposed to call them... 

 

And sorry, but no, I am not guilty of that. I never offended anyone, I support my friend who has it same as You and did it openly. Does that make me guilty of what random dick does to LGBT community? Don't blame a person of something the person hasn't done. Ever. Because right now You actually offended me. 

 

I did not read carefully regarding cisphobia in Your post, my fault. 

And for future - it is hard for others to understand things when instead of getting explanations they get judged. Just think about those words. 

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On 2015-06-19 at 11:35 AM, Sir Hugoholic said:

 

 

I did not read carefully regarding cisphobia in Your post, my fault. 

And for future - it is hard for others to understand things when instead of getting explanations they get judged. Just think about those words. 

How To Be a Good Trans Ally

Key word there. It already tells me a  it’s all take, no give, as usual :mlp_icwudt:

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