I guess there has been a part of me that has been hiding from all of the pain and the anger that is my every day. I have been hurt and in so many ways that the pain has just been eating at me for years. Then I have these weeks that all of it just comes back up and it just feels like a big knot it my stomach and I don't want to eat, drink, sleep, do much of anything really.

I also feel like I am part of the problem. Like if I were different then maybe thing would be different.

There are days where I can't even look in the mirror because I am so angry and hurt that I know that I would just tare myself down even more. I just feel like I am basically nothing in this great big world of such beautiful and amazing people. Almost like I don't deserve the kindness of the world, that I should just hide in a hole.

But I want to change this, I want to change my anger into a positive, I want to change my hurt into love. I want to be happy with myself and know that I am deserving of love and of happiness.

That all begins with forgiveness. I have to be able to forgive, those who have hurt me, those who have picked on me, those who have kicked me when I was down. And most of all I have to forgive myself, because it is, and was not my fault that any of this has happened.

I have realized that by me being angry and resentful it is only hurting myself more. I need to let go of all of the negative emotions and I can only do that by forgiveness.

One day at a time, one week at a time, I will get better, I am determined to get better and I am not going to do that for anyone but myself. I am going to be happy because I want to be happy. No one is going to be getting in the way of that.

It will be a journey, but I am willing to trek through the mud and snow and ice to get there.

It's been one of those weeks....