This will be the last one for a while, so soon I'll be into more cheerful things. :]

Written August 23, 2012:

It's hard to fathom what life will be like without you, for so long I've used you for advice and a shoulder. Such a strong-willed and fantastic man with a stern code of honor. You always desired the best and you instilled a strong sense of morality in me. I wanted the best for you, I wanted anything and everything that you could have had. It's hard seeing such a thing happen at such a young age--and I mean yours, not mine. You raised me and brought me up to be who I am today. Taught me what to do in the event of this, and taught me how to be the man/boy/thing I am today. If Batman is my favorite Superhero, then under that mask, he is Michael Wayne Loyd.

..Remember when we were in that trailer and Mikie and I would play "Bingo" and you said "MIKIE, NICK. GO TO BED!?" Or even when we lived in the house, and our dalmatian Cody was running around the house, you went to go change and then shut the door--he hit his head on the door hard and then decided to keep running. Remember how mad you got when Mikie and I opened up Christmas Presents before you and mom had woken up? Oh you were pissed. You said you wanted to take the presents back and mom said that you shouldn't. Haha. Remember when you lived in Wisconsin in the apartment and we had lots of fun? You never stopped loving mom, you told me that. We did a lot of things... the summers in Omaha were great--I remember sitting on the couch and watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and other cartoons and shows during the summer. And I decided I wanted to go to school in Omaha and never left. I loved being with you, Dad. We had such fun times. Remember when you said "Let's go to the zoo" on one of the days I had school, in Elementary school. And you called me in sick?

Remember when we saw the George Bush, Al Gore election, and you said I'd never see a race so close in my entire life. You stayed up all night watching it and I watched with you. Every Christmas you got me great gifts. Every birthday you made or got me Red Velvet Cake. Every birthday of yours I'd try to make Sloppy Joes and Chocolate Milk. "I always had that every year since I was young" you said. You helped me feel better when I was nervous about school. You helped me through my first breakup. You helped me when I felt suicidal. We got Spike--and you said that I couldn't have picked a better cat. That he was the best cat you've ever had.

My first concert was Kiss and Aerosmith in 2003, and you said "don't tell the kids at school that it was too loud, because then they'll think you're old." We came back and the apartment smelled like paint. Remember the birthday you got me a Game Boy Advance. You got me the game, and you showed it to me, and it was Mario Kart for the Advance, and you had that one carrying bag? You put the Game Boy in there and when I saw the game, I told you I didn't have a Game Boy Advance, and you said "But it goes with the gameboy you have now." And I was sad--then you gave me the bag and told me to open it. And the Advance was in there? You surprised me. You introduced me to the band Everclear with their album Learning how to Smile Vol. 1. We had almost the same taste in music. I remember when you introduced me to Rush when I was younger, who would have thought that we would go see that on your 50th birthday!?

Throughout High School we went to various concerts. Motley Crue, Aussie Floyd, Eric Clapton--you gave me that bet that if I didn't smoke til I was 18 (and invariably later than that) I would get 100 dollars. And you gave me the 100 for doing that--and I didn't smoke and didn't want to. I felt so bad for leaving Omaha to live in Kearney for college. I felt so terrible that I couldn't see you all the time. I moved and it seemed like we got more distant, but we actually got closer. I called you often, talked about problems I had. Listened to your problems. You cried because you missed me a lot... and that made Finals week hard--but you know what? I came back that Summer and we had fun, through the arguments. We went to the Olympic Trials and saw Michael Phelps break the world record for the first time, in 2008.

You supported me in everything I did--even though sometimes you'd give your opinion, and I wouldn't listen. You gave me everything and it was a lot to ask for but you gave me whatever you could. You did the best for everyone who asked for help. Remember when you got a PS3 for yourself because "It plays blu-ray movies, and I also got Rock Band." Haha you said you monkey'd around on the Drums, and you weren't half bad. You said I was the "best guitarist" in all of Rockband, and haha you are wrong still. But you know, we got through Green Grass and High Tides and damn that song was hard. You were amazing on drums, and remember that time you beat me at the Madden game? Oh man you beat me and you asked if I was going easy on you and I wasn't.

... you liked Howl's Moving Castle and didn't like anime, but that's fine. You liked the movie. You and I saw every 007 movie that came out, and we saw the Batman movies, too. You always wanted me to date Devin, because "She's a nice girl" haha you liked her. You liked a lot of my friends. Oh man, there's not enough I can say about you, you were the best thing in my life and it's hard to believe you are gone. The first thing you said to Ann when she said "hello Mr. Loyd" was 'Call me Mike, Mr. Loyd was my dad.' And that's exactly what I think when people call me Mr. Loyd now. When you were upset it was apparent. I remember the bad times we had, and you had. I remember all your stories. I hate that I don't get to hear anymore. I find it so stupid that I wasn't so close this last year and we had lots of little arguments. We talked a lot and still it doesn't seem like enough. And you wanted me to get you Flowers on Father's day--and I didn't. I mean.. I had to fix my car and didn't have the money otherwise to get them but damn it I could have gotten you some.

I got you Green Bay Packer Crocs that you never took off and you never wore another pair of shoes after you put those on. I got you lots of Packer gear, you loved them. I hope they go to the Superbowl this year. Angels in the Endzone haha. I mocked your PJs but you loved them and they were nice. People like your PJs. You had such stupid little songs you sang when you were talking to Spike--and the plants, and they were funny. Man I wish I could hear them again. Remember when we saw Avatar on blu-ray? How awkward we were? Yeah, then we got over it. I gave you that big present, and you said "HOLY CRAP." Hahah you were hilarious. You gave me such great advice about lots of things in life, when I got upset and had to ask you for things you were listening to me through my rants. You were giving me exactly what I asked for. You were proud when I graduated high school--we fought when I had a hard time getting through College because of a Professor--we bitched about that for weeks but you know what. We got through it. You know, when I was younger I always had dreams of Arnold Schwarzenegger being my dad--haha and you know, you were a greater dad than anyone could ever be.

You made me work for what I had. I felt like I could never live up to your expectations, I felt like I could never BE you--and that's good and bad. When we went up to Grandpa's funeral--we talked about a lot of things. You let me drive the MUSTANG up there!? What were you thinking you crazy old fart? This year I really wish I had spent more time with you. It's 2012... and it feels like the world is already ending. You asked me for Flowers for Father's Day--and I laughed at you because "who gets their dad flowers" and now I don't get to get you flowers. You said you've never gotten Flowers as a present when you were alive--and now we were supposed to meet up on your birthday, August 25th, 2012. You got me a Breadmaker, and you said "well you have to come up to get it I won't send it to you." And of COURSE I would come up for your birthday. And we planned on seeing Batman, we planned on going to Outback Steakhouse--we planned on all of that. Movies, fun, and combining the weekend to be a Dad/Son birthday--since I wouldn't be there for September 8th to have Red Velvet Cake.

I got you two nightlights, both Packers. One was a Football night light... and the other had the G logo on it. ... it wouldn't replace the nightlight you already had, remember--you said "that's the best damn thing I've ever bought it's never run out!" Yeah you're right. I was gonna get you a chess set--haha good thing I didn't. I'd have to play a Packers Chess set by myself and that would suck.Well I don't know what else I'd have to say. I wish we had more Thanksgivings together, and Christmases, and more lots of things together which I can't do anything about. You were a great father, you still are. People say "He's watching from heaven and he's your guardian angel." Jesus man--don't do that. Seriously, you spent a good chunk of your life helping me out, please just enjoy yourself wherever you are. I hope it's just green and yellow, and I hope you have your Green Bay shoes... because I know that it'll suck wearing anything but.

I'm trying to feel better, and I'd rather people think I'm an emotionless prick for not crying all the time--but you know every time I think about things and how I won't get your advice. Won't hear you. Won't get anything more from you like phone calls or anything. It just hurts. Dad... when the police came to my house and told me you had passed away. I lost it. I was gone, anything that I had, had been shattered and lost because I didn't think that you would go this soon--we had plans. I didn't want to do anything but wallow in sorrow. But I didn't. I called people I needed to call. I waited a day to do other things, but I did what you told me. "Remember to call Grandma, your aunts and your mom and Patty." And I did. When they told me your liver failed, and that caused your death. It hurt so much--I was sad and angry and just didn't want to go on with socializing. I wanted to shut down. When they told me it'd failed two weeks ago. I was frustrated and pissed at you because I thought you would have known. I talked to the coroner and she said "No way would he have known unless he went to the doctors, and there's no pain. And the only thing he told his friend was "I'm tired" and he was a little shaky. And then went to sleep, and he died in his sleep." That's what you wanted... that's what you would have wanted. You didn't want pain.

You were so excited for me coming up to see you and so was I. You wanted me there and I wanted to be there. The first thing I thought was "well shit, how is he gonna try this bread?" It's been hitting me harder and harder every day. I called you the night I found out, to make sure you weren't just joking. To make sure it wasn't a dream. God I really hope that it is, and I wake up and you call me and say "Heyyyy Nick, this your dad." Just tell me something. I have a hard time living now, I want to be able to talk to you and to see you, and to hear you--and to hug you. I want to hold you. Don't worry you're not gonna be seen, you're getting what you wished... you'll be cremated. And I know how you looked in the Superior obituaries every day and you know what--I'm getting you in there too, I'm getting you in Omaha and also here in Kearney. I'm doing everything I can just like you asked. But you were only 51... going on 52. Well at least you outlived Maurie--you looked better too. He was walking death, remember? I don't know what else to say I'm trying to keep on going... I'll be in Omaha soon and I'll try to enjoy every minute but I probably won't I'll try.

I know you'd want me to be happy. No matter what you or anyone says, you were and are the greatest father. I wouldn't want any other one. You lived up to all my expectations and I just don't want this to be true. I want to write more, I want to do more. Everything I'm doing doesn't feel like anything the only reason I got through college was because and for you. The only reason I am where I am is because of you. Anyway--I love you still do, always want you here. And I can't feel anything but sorrow when I think of you being gone. I want to be the best always and make you proud wherever you are. I love you.

Love,

Your son