I can't believe in heaven. There are math errors (and a dozen other reasons, and even more so, is they make sense where the bible does not. I can try disproving these things and fail, and I refuse to cherry pick and confirmation bias etc).

 

But I can't get over what happens when I will die.

 

I want transhumanism and that medicine they found which may reverse and slow aging.

 

Then I want reinforcement to not die so easily from accidents like altered genes or such from an altered virus to make it so my body produces the strongest fibers in existence and properly, like spider-silk proteins, especially for the materials in my brain to prevent brain injury.

 

But also I feel like I lack purpose. I'm a nobody, no nothing except some immediate family and random interests I pursue always on the computer.

 

I am not a brave person.

 

Half of this is prolly the unhealthy food I had last night, and also just life reminding me of my inevitable deterioration and demise lol.

 

What even matters in life? Just my own interests? Making the world better? Both?

 

Then I wonder how much I influence the world with my rants, and youtube comments, and tumblr r34 reblogs and blurting random facts here n there, and being a creeper at times and scaring people, or having a shitty OC so no one EVER wants to fucking draw it lolll.

 

I like my OC tho, I like turning the dial to 11 (tvtrope/google it), I grew up with dbz mortal kombat final fantasy megaman digimon etc etc. Besides, its not a mary sue or gary stue. Its just OP as fuck lol.

 

But, others operate on a ohhh cute pony sorta range of strength scale, which is like a magnitude 4 and my magnitude is like, 11 kek. But I mean, my magnitude is not 100, so people should relax lol.

 

But my character got toned down since then anyways. Its silly, and no one likes that kinda silly. That was more when I was into Hellsing Ultimate, Naruto, and One Piece.

 

But cool thing is combining the powers of Alex Mercer, and Alucard, that stuff is cool, it exercises my creativity in ways others can't appreciate. Because of how differently I grew up perhaps, or because I am not afraid of turning it up to 11, and combining and copying stealing inventing abilities.

 

Abilities are like music, you can't have enough, some are objectively lamer than others, but if its your thing you still want it.

 

But can you blame me, Megaman plus [Prototype] alone help give the idea of ability gaining, and I love it, I am greedy for abilities. Envious for abilities. I don't even watch full metal alchemist lol.

 

But its like this.

 

Flying. Being a pegasus is special.
Magic, being a unicorn is neat.

 

And then when you factor into it all the psychology changes, its kinda objectively superior for sentience.

 

So of course I would choose Alicorn vampony crystal changeling draconequees (kekkles).

 

And then branch out also, to everything I think is cool or worthwhile.

 

My shitty OC is a shapeshifter, I wanted them to be colorful, but I got shit for it, but the people handing the shit out couldn't take shit themselves. Makes me think they are just selfish. People also called my OC a mary sue, well thats not true, my OC sure does whatever the fuck it wants, but it never gets its way and is prolly borderline paranoid. Like me.

 

Ever since I was little, I kept changing which OC I wanted. Back then it was pre-internet, parent said I could invent an 'Alias' like that tv show that I didn't see more than one episode of.

 

Iinvented multiple characters, powerful because I watch MK and DBZ etc of course they had to be powerful, why wouldn't they be?

 

And I played with action figures for hours and hours growing up. I could imagine stuff like, oh this guy has purple glasses, those become a purple beam! *dbz influence* And these guys can karate chop, throw, stb, decapitate.

 

And I wanted the action figures to show their damage. So I put one on a manual treadmill (non electronic) and put it in the rotating thing and ran on it to give him a black scar sorta deal.

 

Later we took pliers so we could take certain toy's heads off and swap them around for more variety and creativity.

 

And I saw the Tree of Might when I was little, rented it from the library. So needless to say I imagined incorporating that sorta calamity and power struggles into it.

 

Like that guy only took one bite of the fruit, like a total noob, what if he instead, ATE ALL the fruit, and better yet, like carnage or venom absorbed itself into the tree for even more energy?

 

That guy was an antagonist, a spiderman action figure with black instead of blue and taller than the majority of my action figures.

 

I had this other C.O.R.P.S. Space dude, with the paint chipping from his helmet, and I imagine, he died in space, then came back to life, so he is an alien zombie thing, and eventually after literal hours of toy play he absorbs the absorbing sorta deal and the tree stuff etc. I imagine this guy had powers like a straight lazer beam he could direct cuz of the black dot on his helmet/space cap. Also when he flies dbz style through the air, the black lines on his glove things, cause a sparkly lazer thing that happens to his left n right that can slice through most opponents.

 

Then some other character, was a badass kinda like snake if snake only got into super deadly fist fights and I gave him abilities that were ridiculous too.

 

Always plot twists, people turning into robots, enemies being recycled and numerous.

 

Some guys dying left n right brutally (MK remember? lol)

 

 

 

But what made my daydreams more violent and younger, was the bible.

 

I was allowed to start reading it when I was 6. When I did I read about knives and killing. So I folded a piece of paper and painted it red at the tip and pretended it was a knife and running around pretending to be chara basically lol.

 

Mom said that was demented (how ironic her being christian and the bible giving me influence to do this)

 

Then I got salty, because, tantrum stage of childhood development. So I invented a salty character.

 

This character was too ridiculous, and I would periodically develop him more. He was an anti-hero who was first a villain, then a protagonist. Now anti-hero.

 

He is the strongest character but he has to take his time for his schemes. He eats heavy metals to gain mass quicker, and can produce atomic bombs biologically and survive. He even invented an almost steam-punk robotic version of himself that has dozens of hidden weapons and explodes atomically when it dies, and he produced it biologically through his abilities.

 

Then we got this guy with a mental case who can basically move as fast as quick-silver or the flash, but is wearing a helmet that stimulates his brain constantly so he acts crazy and eccentric. He is super weak but resilient and makes clones of himself, and this was before naruto.

 

I also had a character sorta battle like GrimJow vs Ichigo between two characters of mine, before bleach existed. One guy wanting to beat the stuffing out of the other, but I had them more evenly matched. And more plot oriented.

 

But GTA influences, the salty oc who is the strongest, prolly had some hulk influence too, would just go and punch civilians and brutally murder them for venting.

 

I was getting bullied in my childhood, but when I changed schools and moved out it mostly stopped, and it took me a little bit to realize I was being the jerk.

 

I was that tall kid back in class always quiet but would interject now n then based on what i thought was true.

 

I was a christian fundamentalist, I thought if our soul is on the line why not take it more seriously?

 

That thought alone brought me closer to atheism, because I started to ask questions, and then the answers would confuse me, I would ask more, get unsatisfactory answers.

 

In college, a very left leaning one, it quickly explained to me why god wasn't real, between philosophy class and world history (which covered the church).

 

Between that and my schizo brother giving me evasive psychology up in my room all the time, plus insomnia because I was introduced to the net late, and was SUPER gullible due to envy and wishful thinking. I literally lost my mind.

 

Eventually I move out of that toxic internet community I was at(schizo 'spiritual' people and conspiracy theorists trolls and people who attend vampire parties and drink actual blood), and gaiaonline gave me an outlet for testing if my ideas were correct or not, they were not. Eventually I learn to recognize fallacies (leaps of logic) and biases all that stuff.

 

I research more and more thoroughly, double checking to see if any religion is actually real or not. I noticed a basic pattern.
Nomadicism existed with non-humanized deities. They had tall tales more than dogma.
Then, sacrificial religions existed, due to early farming surpluses, they sacrifice people animals and food. Even pre-christianity culture did, and theres proof in the bible god suddenly saying you dont have to sacrifice your kid when he asks.
Then, due to farming and territories etc, nomads who didn't adjust became raiders.
Then, religion fought back and loved battle, think ancient celtics, just loved warfare.
Then modern religion, think rome.
Then subversion culture due to christian martyrs bringing a strain to rome causing rebelling slaves n such.
Rome falls.

 

This is why people should take the immigration stuff more seriously, and the marxist subversion.

 

Anyways, there is one exception tot his religious pattern.

 

If you don't develop a surplus, because you live in a region with like, too much desert or something. Then it changes the economic structure and how much people really wanna start conflicts, because why cross a desert for desert lands and commit battle to that it'd be suicide right.

 

So some religions were different here n there, or entirely different.

 

But none had what I was looking for.

 

Because technically, if a god was real, its chosen people would have super technology super fast. That never happened. People claim divine inspiration for the piano invention and such., Thats just an epiphany they had from working so hard on related topics their brain came up with something far better than their previous tools of the trade. Its just an epiphany about efficiency, the brain was just pretty much imagining man oh man if life were easier/superior this is what it'd be like lol.

 

If divine inspiration was real, why stop at one person a decade or so, why not just give it to everyone all the time who had resources? The number one cause of crime is boredom, if a god replaced boredom people wouldn't have a significant portion of the violence that exists today. But that barely a logical argument.

 

And because of how I was bullied, when I got bullied in gaiaonline's debate section (trolling) I developed a method I had used when I was younger when I was getting bullied. Nearly pre-emptive responses.

 

So I was like, ok, I am just going to KNOW all their counter-arguments so I can stop them before they start, to filter out any dissenters who might wanna yank my chain, or people who wanna not read the entire thread then post, when ia lready countered their argument before. This kills three birds with one stone.

 

Eventually I get banned for impersonating cupcakes hd pinkamena when I found the edgy part of the fandom lol. I didn't spend a dime, but I spent two years playing their pixel item markets and got over a thousand items.

 

I felt a huge sense of loss.

 

http://www.gaiaonline.com/profiles/cupcakes-hd-on-youtube/27985157/

 

I left my second account, it was a waste of time.

 

I look for mutiple sites to retake debating.

 

First site, called debate, was full of elitists, trolls, crazy people, rude people. Couldn't argue with em, not one. It was cancer. The strongest level of PG cancer I have ever felt.

 

Then I make my way here. Why do I get kicked from the debate forum here, because I was being too consistently anti-christian, beating a dead horse if you will.

 

I just wanted the world to be more logical. My thought process was this,

 

1. Make a statement
2. preemptively counter their arguments
3. provide evidence for claims
4. illogic is bad

 

I got banned for saying stuff like 'no christian is intellectually honest'. Which I said because, there are facts, and just ignoring them *froths at the mouth and seizes*

 

So yeah.

 

But the truth is, I wish heaven were real. Scratch the rest of the bible.

 

Later I read the Art of War by Sun Tzu. It explains some of the dishonesty of the bible imo. For example, it advocates lying to your troops sometimes for strategic reasons. It advocates harsh discipline, so there are no dissenters. It explains alot of biblical 'injustice'. It was strategy. Just like it was a strategy for 'peace' which helped bring rome down.

 

In any case, now I am dwelling on, when I die I want to be dreaming something pleasant.

 

I just cant handle much stress, I lost my marbles before, stress easily gets to me at times. Its psychology, and biology.

 

And youtube has a stupid notification system, and I made too many comments, now I cant find half of what i really want to reply to. Wake up to 30 notifications most of which are not even replying to me.

 

No outlet for intellectual thought. But at least I am getting into cartoons and fiction again, my imagination has been improving.

 

But, the edgy material plus poor diet yesterday is making me a little existential today. Well that, and I am not the healthiest person, not obese tho, but I have some skin problems. And I feel like no matter what I do its not going to make a difference.

 

And pursuing just my interests, what good is that?

 

 

 

Anyways I have a philosophy that anything can be understood. But some things are prolly not worth understanding. Not advocating for ignorance, just saying, time efficiency and psychological health wise lol.

 

Like hotdiggedydemon had an interview with someone where he was quoting a slightly altered dialogue from a serial killer's interview. I think it was charles manson but IDR.

 

Eventually I get around to researching serial killers. They tend to be spiritual individuals more often than not.

 

Now I feel like sad Alphys.

 

The internet has shown me some depraved things. Others have seen more depraved tho for sure.

 

 

 

People say to shoot for the stars to land on the moon. I made platinum in Starcraft 2 as zerg. I am an OK spy in TF2 (not against a team of 1k hours individuals tho, they spycheck so hard) In Overwatch I was good with DVA before she got buffed, but prolly against noobers. Devil Daggers I have 310 seconds for a record on if I recall.

 

But I am not motivated to do anything. Was working out well recently, but another health problem, why bother. I should starve myself til I am lean. I am barely not overweight tho. Too much fat ratio tho. I have pretty decent legs, if it were not for all those damn ingrown hairs. Raised mostly by a single mom, she had a boyfriend for a bit of it, I obviously wasn't taught right, or have super bad skin genes.

 

Others have it worse, at least I am 6 foot 5. At least I have disability income. At least I have free time.

 

Doesn't change the fact I am not happy right now. I blame diet, because I had antioxidants one day, none the next day plus a bunch of salty fatty carbs, of course its diet, thats pure oxidation after I had alot of antioxidants, my body is trying to cope with the reduced oxygen flow to my brain from oxidizing veins.

 

Imma go take some anti-oxidants.