As the title suggests, I'm about to tell you how NOT to get over a break up. I will do this by simply explaining what I'm currently doing and why it sucks. Tbh it may just be a rant.

My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago after he kissed another girl on Halloween. We were together for just over two years. He explained why he was breaking up with me (other aspects of the relationship) and that was it. I then spent the next couple of week obsessing over why such a seemingly lovely boy would do such a thing to me. I couldn't understand how my lovely lad had suddenly changed. I cried a lot. This sort of stuff sounds pretty normal I guess, at the time it was like being in one of my nightmares.

Being as obsessed as I was I did a bit of fb stalking and found the girl on fb. That was fun. <<SARCASM.

He ignored me for the first few weeks, saying we needed some space from one another. That was really bad too. He said he wanted to be friends but not quite yet. Now that sounds pretty reasonable, back then it sounded like hell on earth. So we had break from each other, well... he did. I spent a lot of time with his Facebook profile and his Xbox live account. Btw before I even carry on I know how desperate and crazy I already sound, but I don't really care.

So after this break we slowly started talking again as friends. Turned out he missed me and I was so happy when he wanted to give it another go. We tried for a week, kept it a secret from our friends. At the end of the week he kicked me in the face with a "I thought I missed you but I miss the person you were at the start of the relationship, not you anymore. I have no feelings for you at all." Which is just lovely. Still at least he is honest.

Well that felt like breaking up all over again.

We continued to talk this time though, tried to be friends. And it worked, for a little while. Then one day I was round his, we were watching tv and we ended up going to bed together. So now we are friends with benefits. It's not a situation I would like to be in really but it beats not having any of him at all. I like to convince myself that I'm getting over him, that this really is no strings attached, and to some extent it is. If I find someone else while doing the whole friends with benefits thing I won't hesitate with the new person. But I find myself still feeling a bit too attached to the ex.

He is seeing this other girl atm, nothing too serious but she doesn't know about us. Nobody does. And while I feel a small pang of jealousy about this new girl, I am actually pathetic enough to be okay with it. I feel like I should be angry with him, like I should have been when he kissed the other girl on Halloween. Turns out my friends were angrier than I was. I can't seem to stay angry at him at all.

I don't know how this is all going to turn out but it doesn't feel like we are out of the woods yet. I have a feeling it's going to get a bit messy again at some point but for now I'm enjoying what I do have and attempting to get my self esteem back up again. In fact, that is really one of the great points about the arrangement. I felt ugly and awful after he broke up with me, now I feel slightly better about myself. Probably not a good thing to rely on other people for that sort of thing but I guess that's the kind of person I am.

I didn't write this for sympathy or advice. I wrote it to try and make sense of it in my head and hopefully when everything starts to get easier I can look back on this and remember the bad choices I made and why not to make them again. Life is confusing and tricky atm. It feels like every day there is something new going on and dealing with this along with a new job really isn't easy. Sorry if I rambled. But yeah, if you want a smooth break up, don't do any of that. Trust me, it isn't fun.