(not an advice blog this time around, needed to vent today)

I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore, the same face, same person who has the same personality. And in that, I discovered myself again.

For too many years I cared too much about reputation and damaged my own trying to be someone I wasn't. For too long I took myself too seriously and acted too cool to hang out with others. With my endless pursuit of trying to gain acceptance and grow my circle, I went through a lot which caused some sleepless nights full of emotional breakdowns and stress. It was the year of 2014 where I first looked into my mirror and saw an empty reflection of a past self that no longer was. Sad eyes matched with a less happy look. To this day, a lot of those events are things most of my friends don't know about because its a hard topic for me to bring up and just makes the day worse and I wish I was better at telling them, because it still gets to me somedays and while I feel I should be over it sometimes, I never had many to vent to and these thoughts get stuck in my head a lot because of it.

2015 was a hell of a year, quite literally. Change was constant and quick, I gained confidence issues because of how I looked at the time and I focused too much on relationships thinking that it was all that mattered- "I'm single because I'm not good looking or cool" was a thought that crossed my mind multiple times through the year. But as the year went on, I grew up quite a bit and learned a lot about myself and where I was going. I started to identify less and less with the personality and reputation I had built up around others and wanted a way to change desperately. The thing is, if I ever dared doing something different, my "friends" at the time would mock it and make jokes and they haven't changed a bit for years. I became content with the feeling of not being myself thinking this is how everyone was, but I was trying too hard to fit in, and I cared too much about what other people thought of me.

2016 was more or less of the same, but I got into the relationship that I have written about before on this blog. It got bad. I had some nights where I stared in the mirror asking myself what I became because deep in my core, I did not identify with the changes I adopted via the relationship. Going into it, I thought it was the change I needed, but it wasn't. Instead, it taught me the most valuable lessons thus far in life. I learned to take care of myself, knowing when to walk away, and that you should enjoy being young and free. Although, the breakup was September of this year, the relationship did start in 2016. I struggled balancing who I wanted to be and trying to be likable, but something everyone learns at some point: Not everyone will like you, and that's a good thing, be yourself and don't change for anyone just to be liked by them.

2017 has been the year where I finally looked in the mirror, saw the person I didn't identify with, and let myself really be me for once. While a lot of changes were inside, I felt like I needed some physical changes to give myself that full feeling of a reset. Earlier this year, I cut my hair, getting rid of my "emo" cut and now style it in a hard to describe taper-ish way. It really personally helped me change for the better. This school year I've gotten the opportunity to go to games with friends, try new hobbies and hang out with new people who are actually good friends which has been a huge help in becoming a better person and letting my true self show. Before I got to do those things though- I left my ex, which sparked me wanting to let go and really find myself again, because I was tired of pretending after everything I dealt with. I've had blonde hair all my life, but in October, I dyed it a shade of red which made me smile looking in the mirror after it was done. Seeing changes inside and out really proved to myself that I've changed and it's possible to be liked without forcing myself to act a certain way. And for once, I knew exactly who was in that mirror.

A changed person, and that person was the person I always was deep down, and I let it free.

I've never been happier.