I have been gone for quite some time. There has been much on my plate, and it has been extremely overwhelming physically and mentally. Believe me when I say that life has taken it's toll on me harder than I ever imagined it would. I'm tired. Tired of the vicious cycle that is depression and anxiety. An endless fight against my own head to just fucking function. Stress has become my life. Misery is the only frame of mind that I have lived within for some time now. Pressure formed mountainous walls that blocked off any chance for me to move forward. I had to give up a lot to make it through some of the worst months I have had as of late. Over the mountain, the horizon and sky have been slowly clearing again after violent storms that robbed me of the stable footing I worked so very hard to gain. Slowly, I am getting back up. But, my descent has been disastrously difficult and long.

Quarter 1 of school was easy, and free-spirited. Going into eleventh grade was anxiety-ridden, however. Nearly every senior warned my friends and I of the difficulties. It just so happened that my first semester would be full of difficult classes mixed with teachers that made core classes much harder than they need to be, and long, arduous assignments that weighed heavily on my shoulders until my spine snapped under it. Despite this, the first quarter of my school year went by with ease. Grade-wise, it will probably be the best quarter of this year. Right as Quarter 2 began, the success and happiness I had achieved crashed down on me.

A few days into the quarter, I lost the girl who was my entire world. She brought joy and new perspectives into my life, and ultimately made me a better person. After half a year with her, we were forced to split for reasons that I will not speak about. For a couple weeks, my mentality was a mess. Even though my mind was scattered between increasingly larger work loads, emotional stress, and my own home life, I had to push on. Although we split, we continued to be friends up until recently, which I will discuss later on. November was already a month that I absolutely despised due to significant emotional trauma I have associated with that time of the year. The Holiday season has never been kind to me. Our relationship's abrupt ending had impacts that rippled through the next two months of my life.

It was in December that I made the tough decision to drop from the extra-cirriculars I had been a part of to focus on my schoolwork and mental health, that was at the time crumbling. At that point, I was using after-school practice to catch up on the overwhelming amount of work I was dealing with. During December, we had a two-day tournament. I had competed the first day, but overslept the 2nd. After that day, I slowly stopped showing up to practice. Those over-sleeping incidents would continue due to my body's chronic fatigue rooting in the constant anxiety that chains me down.

Finally, Christmas Break arrived. Having a near two week vacation from school was a great way to reset my sleep schedule and clear my head. Apart from working a lot due to late-Christmas shoppers, I was able to rest up quite a bit. A few days before we had to return to school, I spent an evening with a friend from school at our local mall. Doing so was a mistake that led to me cutting ties with her. She spent the night talking badly about a really close friend of mine and insulted me to my face. I told my friend about that after the night was over. Getting back into school, I hinted about it during class, which sparked a long argument over text with her. Based on her social media, she is still quite bitter about being called out for being toxic. She would befriend people, talk bad about them, and then victimize herself when they called her out on it. Needless to say, I cut her out and started hanging out with my close friend a lot more.

With school back in session, finals for Semester 1 were coming up. My stress levels once again spiked, and I am not proud to say that my depression caused me to think some dark, unsettling thoughts that I have not thought since beginning anti-depressant treatment. Due to this, my dad called the clinic and raised my anti-depressant dosage. Unfortunately, I started the new dosage during finals, which disrupted my focus as my stomach was in a state of discomfort for a couple days. Semester one ended. I was very afraid of my grades and avoided looking at them out of feeling as if I had completely failed. Eventually, I was forced to look at my transcript. It was not bad, but could have been better.

Semester two is now here, and my work load has been significantly lightened. I am in easier classes, and I get out of school an hour early. With these improvements, and a sense of relief over last semester's grades, things are once again looking up. I am climbing back out of the deep and dark hole that I let myself fall into over the past few months.

I am still pushing forward. Giving up will never be an option.