Ack, this blog post was supposed to be fun and interesting -- instead it took an intense turn. Might rate it R for "restricted" to those who are okay with getting heavy in such topics. 

Hello, lovelies

And happy June the 1st! Almost 6 months since a beautiful turn in my life but I would like to actually share some of it with you since I know several people have been wondering why I have been more on a hiatus mode when it comes to public engagement. Generally just.... less engaging, less adventures and less shenanigans. For why???? Well, mainly distracted with more beautiful things, positive changes and a "rebirth" of sorts.

And that is quite the story in and of itself but it involves my own self discovery and reset as well as several challenges and plot twists. :v 

While a lot of these challenges were happening, someone dear to me decided to give me a nudge on the topic of The Power of Vulnerability I did appreciate it but took it too lightly. I was so sure that I had learned this by simply being open and honest with my best friend but for some reason... I would still close up in general and push people away. How strange...

I find that whenever you think something has been resolved but the issue continues to emerge as a reflex... that simply means that something has not been resolved. So, I had to go deeper. This time... on my own. As much as I love having help from lovely people, it gets to a point where no one can "reach you" until you decide to plunge in by yourself. And it has been quite the journey to self discovery.

I did struggle with being vulnerable especially when placed in positions of power -- both irl or online -- where people are counting on you to be as impartial as possible. To do something in their favor or to assist them regardless of your own personal sentiments or thoughts on the matter -- simply because you have power. And with power you hold responsibility.

Having to always be there for others, assist others, listen to others while trying to unite everyone despite their differences, petty conflicts or inner demons -- rather caused me to lose a bit of touch with myself. Not to mention the confidentialities that I have to keep. When you have friends or even a simple acquaintance but you know many people -- something can potentially leak -- even a small detail like that someone owns a pet poodle but they do not want strangers to know any detail or such about their lives: Boom! Yet another layer added to the vault of habit I developed. If I am too honest or open -- something might slip! And then that would betray a friend behind their backs.. no no.. best to just completely shut off and say nothing. Helps as well when you have to be impartial or you sense a quivering confession on the horizon of yet another person who wishes to confide in you some delicate details. I needed a break. To flea the other direction and take more time to myself.

Less and less I became honest with myself. I was too tired yet caught up in the chaos of so many other people's energies, sentiments, etc.

During my solitary hikes, I would often find myself looking towards the mountains and trees to wonder what beautiful secrets are not being revealed to the open. Where the secret homes of foxes are hidden. Where birds hide away their nests before adorning the wind with their music. The trees will not tell. Nor will the mountains. They have to be strong. Silent and provide such a sense of security while being as graceful, neutral or as poised as possible. Sadly, for a mortal, I do have my limits and I felt myself cracking as more people tried to push my buttons and even bait me into their personal biases like political stances or scandals. This is where I draw the line. I literally have no time for that. And when I see boundaries trying to be pushed because they seem to imply my impartiality means I am not supportive of their stance -- hence -- "evidence" that I am against them -- ehh.. it is tiring. And quite frankly, while I want peace and always strive for it, I am no saint. I will happily snap back with snark. And then suddenly the "pristine caricature" that such people like to have as illusions of me will crack and then there goes their cheap thrill for fleeting drama.

As a forum observer here once said -- which certainly got a chortle out of me: "They claim to be busier than me cause I have A LOT of free time on my hands yet even *I* do not have time for that." 

So, with that said, I shall attempt to be more open about myself and my own feelings on things. Even if people might be disappointed because it may not align with their personal biases. I would like to try to be more authentic. Losing touch with myself caused me to lose touch with the reason for why I would surrounding myself with people in the first place -- I love people! I simply want everyone to exercise more mutual respect when engaging with each other. And if that is not possible -- simply stay in your lane and focus on your own passions and interests, etc. Without hyperfocusing on the other.

I was not being authentic with myself on many occasions. And being authentic is the first step to the lesson on being vulnerable...

I realize that.. during a time when everyone gathered in masses from all over the world and groups of diverse cultures, beliefs, etc-- everyone was happy to unite and I was happy to mend or resolve old conflicts or wounds into a proper resolution. Seeing the unity despite the differences, the principles of friendship actually working whenever the attempt at friendship was authentic, etc was very fun and made the adventures well worth it!

But sadly, not everyone had the best of intentions. And.. as much as I hate to say this because I always do my best never to judge a single living being -- I do have standards. My tolerance for "fake kindness" or "manipulation tactics" has withered so greatly that I will feel swift to evade the presence of such people (or in the case of the forums: ban them) simply because ... I have no time or tolerance for it any longer. These are preferences that I have and after having encountered beautiful gems who glow with an authentic light... I cannot go back to the mimics that try to lure and entrap others into fake friendships via conflicts or imaginary non-problems.

This blog post is not directed towards anyone in particular on the forums. Trolls or troublemakers will and have been banned. So, it is definitely nobody you will see around here.

Yet these are normal conflicts that occur when managing mass groups of people and the details are not often pretty, which is why I have remained so silent in my exhaustion. The soft ones are okay, misunderstandings happen, culture clashes, etc. That is fine. But when it comes to toxic division... you might wonder: why do people do it? Well, the reasons vary. Can be to obtain power, attention, attract someone they find attractive or to isolate them with a sense of urgency and "conflict" provides exactly that. Bonding over said drama, using the "enemy" target as leverage, etc. (this is not real bondinig, btw but we shall get to that one day). Whatever the reason... anything that can cause needless division and pain is something I would rather not feed into or entertain. In forum matters, for example, if somebody has a "conflict" with another user, unless it is an actual potential threat to anyone -- just ask to remain a neutral party who wishes not to partake in any gossip. The ignore button is right there for a reason. No need to divide into "teams" or "groups" against each other over some petty disagreement or misunderstanding, etc. If they think it can be resolved, great. Involving an impartial party to observe can be helpful (and staff is always on standby to provide exactly that if needed) but just to gossip or slander other people? Eh...  it is too tiring and needlessly problematic. I tend to gravitate away from these sorts. Again, unless it is an actual matter of severity. (aka not petty).

For example, people who pretend to be kind but treat it as more of a transactional thing -- they exasperate me. Am I not authentic for choosing not to tell them what I feel? Honestly, I could not even if I wanted to. Because: What if they simply do not know any better? What if they simply had a hard life and cannot learn to improve as people? What if they simply were misunderstood? And my calling them out or addressing the issue just makes them feel aggravated, judged or worse? What if ? What if ? What if? 

Just be kind. Expect the best and smile. But when you stand in a position where you can clearly see other motives due to the Eagle's eye view you hold.. and someone confuses your kindness for cluelessness then tries to pull the wool over your eyes... it becomes more difficult to feign patience. And they are .. walking on... thin ice with me.

I am not one to live in the "what ifs" so I think I shall place Silky under some kind of "Ice Breaker" mode and make some boundaries perfectly clear. 

I do plan to be more authentic and more open. Because I realised that there is power in being yourself and being seen -- even if others try to mold or change who you are due to your impartial stance.
You get to stand your ground, stand in your position and that which does not matter will simply fall away. 

So, prepare yourselves in more lessons of healthy friendships and how to exercise them. >:D 

You shall learn the basics of healthy friendships and you shall like ettttt -- whether you like it or not !! >:000

(last sentence is a joke, btw. Well ...kinda. )

Until next time.

- Ice Breaker Silky c:<