I’ve started and reworked this post quite a few times over the past few days, and I doubt I’ll ever be happy with it, so I’m going to go with this revision and be done with it. As many of you might be aware, I was granted a reader position in the Golden Oaks Library Revival club here on the forums.  I consider this a high honor, and a duty that I will not take lightly.  I never expected to be granted any type of staff position here, so being accepted was a complete surprise to me.  I’d like to publicly thank all of those that were willing to give me a chance.  I am doing everything I can to not let your trust in me go unfounded. 

I’ve been given chances to prove my worth in the past, and been met with mixed results.   In many cases, I was simply brushed aside, simply because someone else came along that people liked better, and I was relegated to a minor role, if I was utilized at all.  To be given trust, and to have that trust suddenly yanked away, really hurt me, and made me reluctant to take on greater responsibilities for fear of such events happening again, or being judged incompetent and being cast off permanently.  Even now, in my current role within the company I work for, I tread carefully, cautiously.  Yes, I’ve done this job before, and yes, this time around I am a bit older and wiser, with more knowledge about what is expected of me.  Yet, I can’t seem to shake the persistent nagging doubt that all of this could come crashing down around me and I, once again, will be cast aside. 

The only thing I seek is the satisfaction of a job well done, and occasionally the acknowledgement of the higher-ups that, in fact, I am doing a good job.  Constant praise is not what I am after.  All I ask is to make my contributions, and hopefully be acknowledged that my efforts made a positive difference.  I greatly fear being pushed out, or marginalized, or under-utilized in any position I hold.  That, to me, reveals a lack of trust which I find very difficult to reconcile.  Am I not doing well enough?  Do they just not like me?  Was I the only option available and now that they found someone better, am I going to be released from my duties without so much as a ‘good riddance’?  These thoughts plague my mind at times, and I have to do my best to make sure they don’t creep into my work.  This is why I put so much effort forth, and keep my head down and just do what I am tasked with.  I offer input only when I feel it’s relevant, and can only hope I won’t be ridiculed too hard if it turns out to be a bad idea from the start.  Probably not the best way to do things, but for now, until I grow more comfortable, this is the way I’ll probably be.

If you read this, thank you, it’s something I’ve been trying to get out of my head for a little while now.  Maybe I can sleep a little easier now and not worry about personal fears that have no boundary in reality.