I'm at least going to be involved enough in this community to have a public journal. Not only a public journal, but a journal where I smack that devil on my shoulder telling me I should reword something for artistry or restructure a paragraph for better flow. And also preclude myself from verbosity for the sake of verbosity. I find that as a writer, learning and remembering new words is can be achieved for me through using more complex words in my writing for the sake of word flow and artistry...but not here.

This right here this my journal.

I'm STILL fighting sobriety...I'm closest to being sober than I have since almost a year ago. I feel as though I'm overdramatic. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and I've at least tended to my fitness somewhat, but I feel like my heart truly gave up in so many ways, and I feel like I lost everything. A collection nearing $3000 in value (Including my MLP collection, but at least I've built that back up). My enrollment in grad school (I'm supposed to return next fall, but that's a whole year and I'm afraid of between now and then). And I've had issues with immediate family with reached a boiling a couple months ago, and these issues had been building up for years. I made a decision...and now I'm having to not go back on but tweak that decision...I have to get better.

I'm clearly neurodivergent and most likely mildly autistic, but I've also been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. That really sucks. I wasn't allowed to explore myself in high school because of problems at home, and it created a very dysfunctional problems. I've become self-aware about so many things these past few months as a result of selling my collection and coming to terms with the person I have to deal with when I have nothing to turn to. So much of that collection were things which truly didn't represent me, I didn't use them, and I simply wasted space. So much of it though...you've heard it before, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I'm 6'0," and I weigh 160-165 pounds. I've said its a problem before that I'm this height and weight. "I'm six foot tall and I wear a small! That's a problem!" No, I'm clearly proud of how small I've become. I both recognize how impossible it is stay at a calorie deficit like I do (often by replacing food with substances), as well as recognize I can't go gaining weight to get off of substances...well, I'll just say alcohol. That's my only substance vice right now, and has been for a couple months. Alcohol, and I've used the experience of alcohol hitting harder when my stomach's empty as a motivation to not eat many days.

I've become self-aware of how atypical of a young man I truly am, and you know this "male loneliness epidemic" we hear so much about? Well, it sucks, but its even more isolating when you can't relate to those men. I don't resent society for allegedly (and it doesn't) disparaging men. I resent being a man, and feeling like I have to "be a man." I like ponies, Buffy, Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, I like being small, I like being silly. Women don't make me feel insecure. Even if a woman puts me down, it just makes sense to me? I don't know how to explain it, but I've always been more comfortable around women than men. Men make me feel insecure and unsafe. And while I'm not denying being gay, I don't feel gay? I've dabbled with it, sure, but all-in-all, being in a relationship (and things which would be inappropriate to discuss on this forum which obviously accompanies relationships) just feels icky. I feel totally isolated from other "lonely men" because it seems like my issues come from a totally different place. Which I guess is a segue into the next stressor I know most of us are feeling...

The sociopolitical climate. I'm American. It's getting worse. International affairs are worsening. The economy is worsening, and everyone is losing their rights. The common worker is losing rights. Women are losing rights. And as someone who has left a digital and social footprint of being both left-wing and queer, I'm constantly scared of suddenly becoming a target. It doesn't matter I don't date (and haven't in ages) or sleep with anyone at all. It doesn't matter if my left-wing politics are absolutely sequestered by a lack of courage to express or act on them. I'm afraid of being a target.

When I say things are looking up...it doesn't feel like I'm saying much, and to be able to return to a life where I have good days, I'm going to have to chin up and face some music. 

I want to become more involved in this community SO BADLY. I want to be seen for the person I believe I would have become if I had have been allowed to explore myself when I was growing up. 

Eh. Signing off for now.