Sort of a vent/lore dump on everything that's happened since the last time I've logged on here. 

So much has happened. Too much. Graduated high school in June. Cried. Saw extended family for the first time in years. Cried. My Grandma is now in a retirement home and her house is sold. Cried. Replayed Arkham Knight. Cried. Got a job at a donut shop and started packing for college. Cried while replaying Arkham city. Didn't collect all the Riddler Trophies before I had to leave. Didn't cry about that, but cried about other stuff.

I am in Oregon now. Everything else is in Washington.

In the days leading up to moving, I tried to hang out with everyone as much as possible. My friends, my BEST friends, and my dogs. As move-in day crept closer, I felt a sinking pit in my stomach when I packed. The night before I left, two very dear friends and I went to a Chinese buffet, which probably didn't help said stomach, but one of them gifted me a friendship bracelet and a beautiful cat bag that I now carry around campus whenever I can. I stayed up all that night playing Arkham City and crying. All I could think about was the fact that none of my friends are going to out of state colleges, and some aren't even out of high school just yet. Everyone is staying here and I'm leaving. I was so so scared. I couldn't think about anything else. Worst of all, I was going to spend most of my birthday alone.

So move-in day comes. September 18th. It's quicker and easier than I thought. My mom brought these nifty blue bags that could fold up really small, but hold a TON, plus I was only on the 3rd floor so I didn't need to wait for the elevator. Everything goes smoothly, and the next few days are a blur. My parents take me out for breakfast before they leave to go back home. I'm 19 now and I'm all by myself. I go back to my dorm and cry for a little bit (that was pretty much all I've been doing lately). 

School starts

And everything is going...better than I thought. I'm doing well in my classes, I like my classes, campus is beautiful (scroll to see pics), and the dining halls are DELICIOUSSSS. I spend most of my days wandering around, attending events, doing homework, and studying. My headphones become an extension of my body and I have 1 friend. But as time goes on, there seems to be another growing issue.

I am so lonely.

My 1 friend and I occasionally do stuff together, but we're both busy so it's not always easy or regular. My roommate is nice too, but she seems to already have her own social life and sometimes it's awkward trying to make conversation or ask if she wants to go somewhere. I try to go to events to meet people, but something feels wrong. With me, I mean. It feels like there's just something wrong inside me, something that stops me from actually meeting people or making connections. Every time I try, the result is always the same, awkward small talk and an instagram handle at best. Trying to message is weird too, it feels like no one really wants to meet up or talk. I know if I just try a little harder then maybe - just maybe - I can really connect better with people, but it just never comes naturally. 

I know it's probably all in my head. I know that everyone else probably is acting normal and nice, but I'm too anxious or uncomfortable to just relax and be myself. But THAT'S weird too because being myself hasn't been working either and- ugh! Why is it so hard to be a human? I miss my friends at home, I miss talking to people, I miss my mom and dad, and I'm trying not to cry while typing this because I don't want to ruin my face right before class. I feel so childish, like the first day of every year of elementary school when I would always stand aside because I was too shy and scared to talk to the other kids. 

I guess that leaves me with some more free time to draw and post here though. I even made a little redesign of my sona, not sure if it's permanent though.

Sorry I've been gone so long, I might try to post here more, I've missed it a lot.