So I have to take Health II this second semester, which basically amounts to don't have sex EVER and don't do drugs MOST OF THE TIME. I love living in Hicktown, USA.

Anyway, our first assignment in Health was taking a "color test" so we could figure out our "color trait" personality and learn how to work together as a team. Before I continue, this is my ideal team: me, then all of the subordinate workers. But I digress.

So I took the test ("Take me! Take me! Take me!") and found out that I am a Green. What does that mean? In a nutshell...

I am conceptual. I have an investigative mind, intrigued by questions like, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I am an independent thinker, a natural nonconformist, and live life by my own standards.

 

I like to do things that require vision, problem solving, strategy, ingenuity, design, and change. Once I have perfected an idea, I prefer to move on to a new challenge.

 

I value knowledge, intelligence, insight, and justice. I enjoy relationships with shared interests. I prefer to let my head rule my heart. I am cool, calm, and collected. I do not express my emotions easily.

Which, for the most part, totally fits me. Except for the "emotions" bit.

I like making people laugh, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. More than that, I HATE seeing people angry. I hate being serious unless the situation directly calls for seriousness. And I HATE HATE HATE it when people are sad or depressed. I hate that so much that I've sort of covered up that part of me.

A couple of years ago my sister and I were at a meeting at my middle school with many other parents and their kids. About half way through the presentation, my sister got a call. My great-grandmother, who the entire town of 10,000 people loved and respected, had just died. So my sister is sitting there in the middle of a crowd of people, choking back sobs, while I'm sitting there (and looking back I hate to admit it) a disinterested and, frankly, embarrassed expression. I had a so-so relationship with my great-grandmother, but I also knew that in her last couple of days she was in a lot of pain.

...I just remembered that last time I saw her, ever. I didn't expect this post to go down this route. Bleh.

She was laying on the loveseat out in her living room. She was hooked up to all kinds of machines and covered up in blankets and looked like you would expect an old, dying woman to look. And I was sitting on the opposite side of the room, too afraid to go anywhere near her. I don't like interacting with people unless they are a peer or I have a specific reason to interact with them. Family included.

And then she let out this little strangled cry. Geez, I'll never forget that sound. It was barely above a whisper but I heard it because the room was empty except for me and her and I was sitting there and I was too damn scared to go near her and what did I do?

I left. I left the room because I'm a big coward and I hate attachment and fuck it I'm crying now.

And I actually had a reason to this post, too. Damn damn damn. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Sorry if I ruined anyone's evening.

- K