I have depression. My terrible, depressive feelings are only compounded by the fact that I tend to hold all of my emotions inside, sharing them with no one. This has built up over the years and caused me a lot of grief. However, I've decided to work on dealing with this problem, so I made this blog to vent my feelings whenever I'm feeling bad in an attempt to beat depression.

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Recently, I've been even more introspective than usual, and I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after college. I think this came from the need to choose a major by next semester. Whenever I think of this though, I've quickly realize that I honestly cannot conceive of a future in which I would be happy.

I cannot think of a job where I'd be happy except being a novelist, but to be truly honest with myself, my writing career is never going to take off. I thought about becoming a history or English (literature) teacher, but the market for those jobs are so oversaturated that getting work would be impossible. Really, it doesn't matter what route I go in life because the economy's going down the tank so fast that soon enough we'll all be out of work. I feel like I'm doomed to work at a job I hate, getting underpaid and harassed the rest of my life.

Socially, I'm a mess. I don't really have any irl friends, and I don't have many good internet friends either. I guess I'm not a particularly likeable person, and I don't really stand out to people. This is only made worse by my melancholic disposition, which makes people think I'm a bummer, so they think I'm boring, so they ignore me. Romantic relationships for me are out of the question because I can barely even make acquaintances. Speaking of which, I do have a lot of acquaintances, because I've been working on being more social for the past couple months, but none of my relationships with other people ever make it past that stage. I've always been like this, and there's no chance that it will ever improve. Most of the time, not even my family has my back.

Worse, I fear once I'm out of the school environment in which people are forced to socialize me, I'll be even more alone than I was before. Worse yet, part of me wants to be alone. I have this constant inner struggle between my loner personality and my need for friends and socialization.

Also, my grandmother and mother, who were living together until recently had a fight so now she had to move back in with my dad, which is bad because my parents are always bickering, and my brother and half-brother hate eachother. So I'm worried about that too.

Artistically, things are crazy for me right now too, and I fear it's just going to get worse. I've had writer's block for a while, and I'm slowly starting to lose interest in many of the things I enjoy, even video games. I can't focus on my art or schoolwork or anything.

Overall, I've just been feeling sad and hopeless lately. I try to focus on the short-term, but this kind of stuff just keeps cropping back up. Hopefully I'll feel better when I go to visit my family and pets in a week.