ARM YOURSELF BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE HERE WILL SAVE YOUUUU

Yeah, I am kind of a fanatic of the music used in the James Bond movies (Quantum of Solace's theme was horrible...but the rejected them was amazing just saying.) Plus James Bond is kind of a hottie...I don't know what it is about a guy with a gun...

So anyways...my life..

It seems like every night, I have some sort of mental breakdown or I'm on the top of the world. It's what reactive depression is all about, ups and downs. I am too much for a lot of people to handle. even my parents don't understand me, or my math teacher. On the ADD questionnaire he had to fill out for me he said yes to "mood changes quickly or drastically" Which is very true, I don't even know how it goes. It usually happens when I think. My mind tells me great things that work me up than there is always some sort of demon that pushes me back down so within two minutes even without anything happening at all I can become a total happy go lucky freak to a complete emo monotone person. at home i'm usually pretty monotone for a lot of things, which at school I am nothing at all like. To be honest, I'm nothing but a train wreck. I don't understand myself at all, and I'm still trying to discover who I am. To be honest I don't know who I am. am i this happy go lucky human being? Or am I the quiet, i don't care, everything sucks human? Or am i the overemotional everything is against me let's spam text my ex boyfriend girl? I don't know who I am. None of them seem like me.

The only time I really do feel like me is when I'm well dancing, but that's only because I get to escape who I am for just a little bit. All of the things that are eating me away inside are gone, all the people that are driving me to the point of breaking (one psych i've had said I am very passionate, but another says I am very resentful..logic.), any sort of drama, anything at all that may be bugging me is gone. I become a character. Someone who is mentally stable sometimes, sometimes I become someone who is completely back-crack crazy (one dance I made to the song Paper Heart is about being heart broken to the point they are in the asylum, I actually have a lot of fun with that one. Another to the song Killing Time is about woman accidentally killing her husband) no matter who I act as none of them are me. I have never acted as myself in any of my dances but that is the best part. I'm not me anymore, and it feels amazing.

Lastly, I am allowing one human being control my life, someone I cared way to much for and somewhere in my head I thought he would always be there but he wasn't. and now he is the demon in my head breaking my down. He is everything still too me. And I know that it is killing me. I have a bad feeling I won't make it past this year, and it disappoints me greatly that I became such a wuss where I am allowing one human. One. Single. Human. Being. Control everything I am. Allowing him to decide whether or not I live, but it's not really that way anymore. I am getting almost physically sick from this. It's horrible. It's painful. yet I don't mind dying at all. I am sick of waiting for things to get better, and waiting for me to discover myself I have tried so hard. Too hard.

......Great way to start my new blog on here. But i guess it was the purpose I made this blog. To rant.